Advice please! Child arrangements with ex who works abroad

[Teleporter]

Evening all,

Bit of a background. Two DDs aged 5 and 7, we have been seperated for two years now. Has not been amicable, ex was having an affair and has made life a living hell in so many ways. Finally getting to a point where I have moved out of the family home, got back into work and feeling far more content.

Now the problem lies in that their dad works in a job that takes him away for usually months at a time. The schedule is completely inconsistent and is all about when he feels is a good time to show up again. He uses work as an excuse to also go on holiday and do as he pleases too. All under the guise of working.

I have to admit I am struggling with the sporadic showing up and upping and leaving again with two then upset kids. How do we work this? Do I need to just accept this is it, the best I can hope for?

Ex does pay maintenance and the kids clubs but I feel it’s used as leverage over me. Like he is paying his way out of responsibilities.

YABU you need to accept this
YNBU I should aim to get a proper child arrangement order?

ediiting to add - ex probably is away 8 months a year

how would a court order work if he’s out the country 8 months a year?

Are you getting all the csm you’re entitled to? Assuming ex has a well paid job as you mention holidays?

he sounds like a dick so I’d focus your energy on yourself and the kids and boundaries around his contact to minimise the disruption

@Bigtreeesss
i have absolutely no idea what going to court would do at all.

I just find whole situation sad. I don’t understand how a person is not rushing home to see their children when they hardly see them.

For me it’s the absolute exhaustion. I do not feel I have a person to co parent with. But maybe it’s better that way.

Totally heartbreaking, but you can’t change him you can only waste energy trying ime

A court order would put formal arrangements in place so he would have to take the kids at certain set times/dates/holidays. This would mean he has to arrange his work commitments and holidays accordingly. I find it maddening that we women make professional choices (say no to opportunities) all the time, but it is somehow considered inevitable that the men won't. Don't buy into that misogynistic nonsense. If it is not amicable, get formal arrangements in place - financial and in terms of visitation/holidays etc.

@fireandlightening there is no chance he will change his job or lifestyle at all. It’s basically his whole identity. He has other options but he just doesn’t want to. He likes living a nomad lifestyle of someone childless in his 20s. In his eyes the children are my responsibility, until of course he shows up to play super parent.

I can’t see how a court would be able to enforce anything? Perhaps I’m wrong or just have very little faith in the system? He would argue he is away because he pays for things. To clarify we are absolutely not living a lavish lifestyle. I just about meet my rent and life expenses every month. No holidays etc.

when he is in the UK, how much does he see the kids and how long for? a court order could say 'the kids are available to meet up on these 10 dates' but he could still not show up on the specified days.

it sounds like he is not going to be a good co-parent whatever you do. he won't help with admin or the thinking part of parenting.

so the best option is to do what helps the kids, which probably means fixed dates when they could 'see dad' and no surprise visits or uncertainty.

I would suggest you talk to a lawyer about this. You need to put formal arrangements in place - otherwise he will play fast and lose with you and your children. He has children and responsibilities. If he wants a role in their lives, he can't do it whenever he feels like it. And, yes, ofcourse court orders can be enforced. That is the basis of the entire judicial system.

Thank you all I appreciate the advice.

I know I should not listen but I guess for the last couple of years I’ve been repeatedly told by him that I am not a good mother. Nothing I do is ever good enough. It’s my fault he has affairs. I’m abusive or alienating his children from him because I have refused to just hand them over the second he returns. It’s exhausting. The worst part is it’s simply untrue. I would welcome more consistent involvement with open arms.

So he will see them for a schedule I have tried to follow which is every other weekend and an overnight in the week. But the problem is he does it, then all of a sudden he just has to leave to go jet off away with his gf or he decided to take on some more work somewhere. And then the kids are left confused after daddy said he was around for two whole month when he isn’t. He has lied. Again.

Bearing in mind I also am trying to work. I’m living in rented accomadation and I have limited pension. While he is paying off his mortgage, stuffing thousands and thousands in his pensions. But I’m the one taking on the entirety of the childcare and responsibilities which severely impacts my income. The lack of awareness on his part for all I do and the sacrifices I make is what really gets to me.

A court won’t make an order for arrangements that a parent won’t commit to. They can’t force people to see their children. So sadly if he’s determined to be a shit dad, going to court won’t change that.

The thing that stood out from your post is that he genuinely believes he is terrific dad!

If he says he won't commit to set times or days, they won't make a court order.
The order will be for no more contact than he wants.

A court order can’t make him do his bit. What it can do is give you strength when he swans in to assume he can do what he wants. The decision has been made by a third party and that’s the decision you live by.

You get to say “Saturdays are my day. Court says you have Sunday”. And, as he has a habit of not turning up,
a) don’t tell the kids until and unless you have to
b) always have a plan b in case he doesn’t collect them at the appointed time or within a reasonable timeframe. If he is supposed to have them at 9.30 and he isn’t there by 10.30 say “right kids, into the car. We’re off to the beach for a run”.
c). Never expect him to do the right thing. Always treat it as a bonus.

A court order absolutely can't enforce that a parent takes the children when they don't want to. There's no point getting a court order in place here as all it will do it tie OP to a commitment to make the children available at certain times while he gets to choose whether he takes her up on that or not. That's not in the OP's interests and she may find he uses any such order as a means to further control her without actually spending any more time with the kids.

A court order would put formal arrangements in place so he would have to take the kids at certain set times/dates/holidays. This would mean he has to arrange his work commitments and holidays accordingly.

This isn't the case at all, unfortunately.

A court order will simply mean the OP is obliged to make the children available at set times, dates and holidays.

It places absolutely no obligation on her ex to actually take them at those times.

There is nothing the court can do to oblige someone to turn up for contact with their children.

It took me three years to have the EOW, every second Wednesday and the first half of every school holiday court order (that my ex went for) changed because in those three years he seen our DD an average of 5 time a year.

What you can do to install some consistency is tell him the notice he has to give you.

So when my ex swanned back in (usually if he was trying to impress a new GF by playing dad of the year) I insisted on two weeks notice for a weekend day, a months notice for school holiday days (as that was the cancellation period for holiday club) and a weeks notice for the weekday evening.

That way he couldn't just demand access the day before. Eventually it was also in the order that if we had plans already or DD had a party she was attending then it was tough (worded much more politely and with legal speak).

I’d very rarely say this, but I would go the other way and refuse access and contact.

I wouldn’t be rude about it. I’d probably send one letter/text/whatever outlining that it’s upsetting for the child(ren). I won’t be making contact due to the lies and abuse. CMS will be in touch regarding maintenance.

Then I’d stand back and let him escalate it and take you to court.

Did he have this job when you were together?

This sounds like it could be me, and my ex. We have been separated for 15yrs and he has been away for a lot of that. Currently just gone off for 4yrs. Whilst he’s been working the way up the ladder, earning double his salary and having a housekeeper, i’ve been left to look after the kids and have to rent as it’s an expensive area (finally moving back north next year when youngest goes to uni and can finally buy).

There’s little you can to force him to stick to any kind of schedule. Do the kids enjoy seeing him? Does he video call them etc when he’s away? My DC (21 and 17) are quite close to their dad and he can do no wrong. But they both know who did the hard work and who put their career first.

Sounds like your ex is not going to give up his job or change his ways so little you can do. But if he won’t commit to set dates and you already have stuff in the calendar then stick to that. Sounds like he will never change his flakey ways and not a lot you can to enforce it when he’s not in the country. A court order won’t work when he’s not around and no court can force anyone to stick to a schedule.

Not quite, a court order would put formal arrangements in place that meant you need to make the kids available for him to collect at set times. If you don’t, you can be punished for a breach. If he simply ignores it, and doesn’t collect, nothing can be done.

You're very wrong unfortunately.

No court can force a largely absent parent to see their kids, never mind rearrange work or holidays. It wouldn't be in the best interests of the kids to be with a reluctant parent, for a start.

I've been in a similar situation op. It's shit that superdad can drop in whenever he fancies leaving you to pick up the bits afterwards. Sorry.

They can only be enforced if op refuses access to the DC. Again, courts cannot force unwilling parents to see their kids

I guess a formal court order couldn’t make him actually have the kids when he’s meant to but it does mean he wouldn’t be able to turn up demanding them when it suits him. He’d have to wait till his next slot.

Can I ask. Have all of you who have commented been to family court?! Or did you feel it wasn’t worth your time?