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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice please! Child arrangements with ex who works abroad

42 replies

Teleporter · 04/11/2025 21:28

Evening all,

Bit of a background. Two DDs aged 5 and 7, we have been seperated for two years now. Has not been amicable, ex was having an affair and has made life a living hell in so many ways. Finally getting to a point where I have moved out of the family home, got back into work and feeling far more content.

Now the problem lies in that their dad works in a job that takes him away for usually months at a time. The schedule is completely inconsistent and is all about when he feels is a good time to show up again. He uses work as an excuse to also go on holiday and do as he pleases too. All under the guise of working.

I have to admit I am struggling with the sporadic showing up and upping and leaving again with two then upset kids. How do we work this? Do I need to just accept this is it, the best I can hope for?

Ex does pay maintenance and the kids clubs but I feel it’s used as leverage over me. Like he is paying his way out of responsibilities.

YABU you need to accept this
YNBU I should aim to get a proper child arrangement order?

ediiting to add - ex probably is away 8 months a year

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/11/2025 07:39

Going to court or seeing a lawyer will not help. As previous posters have said, him failing to show up will not be punished. The court could theoretically say that he can’t have any contact, but that’s not going to happen and would be harmful to the children.

Are paternal grandparents on the scene? Could you have a consistent arrangement with them that Dad joins in on when he’s around?

Do you think he’s paying enough CMS?

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/11/2025 07:42

Does he definitely pay as much as he should? Have you checked cms? And you cannot make him have them, but if it’s ever inconvenient or not good for the kids to let them go with him when he turns up, I’d say no, very very comfortably.

TheBlueHotel · 05/11/2025 07:51

Teleporter · 05/11/2025 07:28

Can I ask. Have all of you who have commented been to family court?! Or did you feel it wasn’t worth your time?

I'm a professional who works in the family court and I would never recommend applying unless you absolutely have to. It is long, stressful, adversarial and can get away from you very easily

oforjceosn · 05/11/2025 08:09

Teleporter · 05/11/2025 07:28

Can I ask. Have all of you who have commented been to family court?! Or did you feel it wasn’t worth your time?

I’ve been to family court with the misunderstanding that a court order would bring stability to mine and DC’s life. What has happened is that ExH continues to not see the children unless it fits his schedule. (He requested EOW and has seen them 3 times this year).

The courts say they can’t force someone to parent, but they force me because I’m the default parent. If I don’t make the kids available for contact, I could be considered as breaching the order and if ExH takes me to court, there are consequences. If he doesn’t turn up for the kids, there is absolutely nothing that I can do.

The benefits I’ve found from our particular court order is that I only have to worry about him rocking up 26 times a year. The rest of my my life I do not have to give him a second thought as he can no longer just turn up and remove them from school as he sees fit.

Plus as I have a lives with order I no longer need to seek his permission to take the kids abroad. Because he would always give it last minute of threaten to revoke it.

MannersAreAll · 05/11/2025 09:05

Teleporter · 05/11/2025 07:28

Can I ask. Have all of you who have commented been to family court?! Or did you feel it wasn’t worth your time?

Our first trip to family court was instigated by my ex. I'd never once stopped him having contact, but he'd led his new girlfriend to believe I was incredibly difficult so off to court we went 🙄

The next twice were me going to have the contact order varied as he so rarely showed up. The first time was 18 months in and the judge gave him another chance (he'd seen our girls less than half of what he should). Then after 3 years I went back as he'd seen them around 5 times a year on average. This time the judge, thankfully, agreed that the court order was actually a controlling tool and removed it. It did allow me to have reasonable things put in place so he couldn't turn up one day after six months and demand I cancel all plans for the weekend, for example.

In terms of enforcing contact the family court is an absolute waste of time. They cannot compel someone to turn up.

TheSandgroper · 05/11/2025 09:11

I have supported friends.

It will not make him be the parent you want him to be.

It can be a backstop for you. You can get written into it the days you want to have the like Christmas, Mother’s Day’s, birthdays, holidays, whether you need his permission or not to take them on holiday, you can get the passport to reside with you.

It means that when he says “jump”, you can say “no”. You can’t control him, you never will, but you can get control of you and your children.

Gonk123 · 05/11/2025 09:16

Don’t bother going to court. It is a waste of time and extremely stressful. What’s the point in going through all of that to get an order that he isnt likely to stick to anyway.
save yourself the stress and maybe try and do your best to work with him for the sake of the kids. That’s hard to do but if you try and be better person sometimes it pays off. Maybe he can FaceTime the kids to ease the loss when he goes back to work. Try and facilitate what you can as ultimately it will be better for your children - and for you.
(he does sound like a dick btw)

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 05/11/2025 09:33

TheBlueHotel · 05/11/2025 07:51

I'm a professional who works in the family court and I would never recommend applying unless you absolutely have to. It is long, stressful, adversarial and can get away from you very easily

Show quote history

Same here, and I agree.

I would also note that the family court operates on the “no order” principle, that is they won’t make any order unless it’s necessary. So they mightn’t even grant you a lives with order unless you can evidence the reasons why it’s necessary instead of just carrying on as you are.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/11/2025 09:39

Teleporter · 04/11/2025 21:35

@Bigtreeesss
i have absolutely no idea what going to court would do at all.

I just find whole situation sad. I don’t understand how a person is not rushing home to see their children when they hardly see them.

For me it’s the absolute exhaustion. I do not feel I have a person to co parent with. But maybe it’s better that way.

Edited

The only thing you can do is use the child maintenance to buy in help- cleaner, babysitter regularly etc

VikaOlson · 05/11/2025 12:38

Maybe work out what would work for you OP and just offer it to him formally.
For example, you will make the children available for a facetime every Sunday morning between 10am and 11am.
You will make the children available to him 1 week of the Easter holidays, 1 week in Summer and 1 week in October.
Then he can either turn up at those times or not, and you don't have to deal with him coming and going the rest of the time.

Original poster

Teleporter · 05/11/2025 14:37

Thank you all for your advice. Lots to think about!

I just want calm and a touch of consistency when he does appear again and upset the balance. I am fully aware he would never willingly take up every other weekend etc.

I think attempting to make a proposal might be a start and I need to stand firm on it. I just feel like he doesn’t honestly give a damn how it affects the kids or I. It’s a sad situation. I do not understand some people.

OP posts:

Gonk123 · 07/11/2025 08:31

If the kids are upset then I would just bring that to the table. Just start gently (for your own sake) explain it’s sad to see them upset when he leaves them until next time, does he have any thoughts on how you can work together to help them. Unfortunately being a team is the best way forward. I don’t think you can accuse him of not caring about them as a lot of men just give up altogether. He may not be dad of the year but he is still seeing them - and that’s something. Perhaps if you both worked together, the ease of tension would make things better?

Beesandhoney123 · 03/03/2026 03:41

TheBlueHotel · 05/11/2025 02:19

A court order absolutely can't enforce that a parent takes the children when they don't want to. There's no point getting a court order in place here as all it will do it tie OP to a commitment to make the children available at certain times while he gets to choose whether he takes her up on that or not. That's not in the OP's interests and she may find he uses any such order as a means to further control her without actually spending any more time with the kids.

Show quote history

Agree with this. It's a waste of money the op doesn't have/ can't spare.

I would ask him to contribute more. Give him specific amounts to dd, such a ballet lessons or riding lessons. Purchase of decent car and pay its maintenance as he isn't there, he travels.

So its directly benefitting. If he has spare cash, ask him if he would buy a house, sign a long term lease you stay til death whereupon house passes to dc? He might even get tax relief.

He won't give you the money, so you have to think of a way to ensure the dc have the best life, and you can support them without directly benefitting ie money in your account.

Re rhe girls, just say he can't be relied on as he is always working. Don't end up sitting at home waiting. Get out and about. Teach them without being bitter not to wait around and put their happiness in anyone else's hands.

likewhatyoudo · 05/04/2026 01:47

Teleporter · 05/11/2025 07:28

Can I ask. Have all of you who have commented been to family court?! Or did you feel it wasn’t worth your time?

Yes, been through the court wringer. Not easy, and expensive but it got a framework in place. Ex still played funny buggars. But it would have been worse without the order.

You are free to arrange changes to a court order by mutual consent. And you can’t force him to parent if he doesn’t turn up, but you can turn him away if he comes up at the wrong time or tries to demand changes that you don’t agree with .

So you can make things steadier for your DCs. He comes when he’s supposed to or not at all.

If his work schedule isn’t regular, the court order will probably require the two of you to agree some dates three or six months (for example) in advance. And it could also say something like ‘reasonable alterations to be agreed’, or ‘only occasional alterations’ — depending on the dynamic.

There are loads of different points that can be covered in court orders. Even such things as, ‘bedtimes to be same as at mothers house’, if he’s causing problems by messing up their sleep.
Some points are harder to enforce than others. Because the judges lose patience with what they consider ‘bickering’ and ‘small stuff’

likewhatyoudo · 05/04/2026 01:54

oops - just noticed this is an old post

wombat1a · 05/04/2026 02:03

Court order may be worse for you, if he get EOW then you have to prepare the children for it and he may not turn up... but the kicker is if you are not ready for him to turn up you are the one in breach.

Court order are for access, i.e. non-resident to have enforceble access to their chilren not for the resident parent to have enforceble time-off parenting......

Pinkflamingo10 · 05/04/2026 03:37

Teleporter · 04/11/2025 22:26

Bearing in mind I also am trying to work. I’m living in rented accomadation and I have limited pension. While he is paying off his mortgage, stuffing thousands and thousands in his pensions. But I’m the one taking on the entirety of the childcare and responsibilities which severely impacts my income. The lack of awareness on his part for all I do and the sacrifices I make is what really gets to me.

Surely you must be entitled to more money from him ?!
if he is so well off
and you as default parent are taking the hit and financial consequences of having children

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