AIBU to ask how it’s affected your life if you didn’t have a father or had one that didn’t care?

[TheMasterplan23]

Just that really….

I’m just interested to see how people like me have felt growing up and what impact it’s had on you as an adult?

My Dad gave zero fucks about any of us. My childhood memories of him are very few and far between; the most prominent is social services coming round to talk to him and he'd moved his arm chair so they could only see the back of it, and carried on watching TV.

My mum was pretty awful too, so we were in and out of foster care, but she was at least mentally unwell. Dad just felt trapped into a life he didn't want, with several children he also didn't want.

I'm not sure how much it's impacted me. Not having parents is a bit strange. There are moments that I miss what the conventional idea of parents would be - going places with their grandkids, having someone to ask for help sometimes, for example. But mostly I am used to life as it is.

I'm fiercely independent, but I may have been that anyway, it's hard to say.

I chose a husband who I was sure would be an active, involved father. He is. I am very aware of how he engages with our children and that the kids know that they have two loving parents. I suppose it'd be nice to be a bit more relaxed about that, but it's not a big thing... he doesn't feel watched or got at, or anything. I don't commentate on what he's doing with them. I just make sure that he does fun things with them too; and they get time with both of us.

I have no idea if any of that helps. Happy to answer questions if you've got any more specific ones?

My father left when I was a few months old. He didn’t want contact and barely paid maintenance. When I was young I kept thinking it was my fault, I was to blame. Obviously I wasn’t. I contacted him when I was in my late twenties, more to find out why he left. He expected me to forget it all and just forgive him and even call him dad after a few messages. When I told him how I felt, he turned it all around on me and said it was my fault I don’t want contact, he’s done all he can, and he doesn’t want to talk anymore. Effectively walking away again.

Honestly when he did that a few years ago, it felt like a weight had been lifted. It felt actually amazing. It showed me that it was all him, I was never to blame. How could a tiny baby be to blame.

I find I don’t care, he is not and was never my father. I was very lucky to have the best mum and a set of fantastic grandparents. He’s nothing to me. It doesn’t affect me at all. Looking back it didn’t really affect me as a child, I just thought it was my fault. I had the best childhood. I never missed having a father, never wanted one. The best thing he did was leave. I hate him for how he treated my mum and my grandparents. They treated him like one of their own, like family and he didn’t care about anyone but himself.

it doesn’t effect me. I would say I’m better for him not being in my life. I don’t need him and never did. I would say I do avoid men who have children and don’t see them and I don’t believe them when they say the mother won’t let them see the children, majority of the time the men are lying. Personally in my experience, I would say you don’t need two parents. One good one is worth the world.

You first.

I don't have a relationship with my father. It's been that way for the vast majority of my life. I have made my peace with it.
I'm trying to decide if I will go to his funeral.

Deliberately chose a partner nothing like him.

It was a wise decision.

My father, long deceased, was physically present until I was in my 50s but was always distant and completely disengaged from family life. I honestly don’t think it has affected me - you can’t miss what you’ve never had.

My dad lived a parallel life to me and my mum. I think he was surprised I was there at all. No input whatsoever. I did meet up with him in later life a few times… didn’t really know any different, I did have a much older, married half sister who gave me an idea of family life but I do think back now I’m in my 70s and wonder how I made it through… I guess lots of dads back then were distant or feared, my neighbours kids were really scared of their’s

Never knew my father. Never even seen a photo of him. I can't remember ever being bothered by it.

My DF died suddenly when I was 6. Not sure which parts of the subsequent years wrecked my childhood and MH the most - loss of a parent to death, loss of the surviving parent to grief / severe MH, parentification by DM from 6 years old (responsible for her and the younger children), no opportunity to grieve or even mention DF. Don’t remember him or can even comprehend what a DF would have brought to our childhood. So not clear if the shambles was him missing or my DM imploding.

I dislike and distrust all men around 20 years or more oldr than me

My Dad left when I was 11, youngest sibling was 4. It left us in very difficult financial circumstances and my 3 younger siblings were bullied at school for being poor and different (in those days divorce in Ireland was pretty much unheard of). I think they were affected more than me, although I did push boundaries as a teenager. I was certainly affected by being poor - to this day I struggle with waste, especially food waste even though we are financially comfortable.

It made me strong and resilient. We all had to learn to do stuff that would have typically been in the male domain such as diy and decorating. It also made me completely intolerant of any form of unfaithfulness and thankfully have a pretty strong marriage.

I still see him occasionally. I accept him for who he is and recognise that my parents had a very unhappy marriage and they could never have stayed together. I just wish he had done it differently and paid to support his children. He has been an amazing support to me in recent years as I have been facing a very difficult situation and he really stepped up.

Most of all I am in awe that my DM managed so well to raise us and keep her career. She wasn’t perfect, none of us are, but she was strong and determined and I am grateful to have been cut from the same cloth.

My mum was 17 when she had me. She never revealed who my biological father was. Just said it was an old boyfriend , he and his parents knew I existed and she couldn't remember their name. I suspect she knew but didn't want to say for whatever reason.

I don't feel I missed out on not having a dad growing up. I had amazing grandparents who were around and supported my mum and I. My grandad was my main male role model and someone I really look up too.

It was really important to me though that my children knew who their dad was and had a good relationship with him. Family is the most important thing in my life and I wouldn't want to be with DH if he didn't share those values. I have quite strong views on knowing who your biological parents are since the whole paternal side of my family is blank- that doesn't mean I would want a relationship with my biological father now. I have quite a dim view of him and his parents considering they left a teenager pregnant and offered no support whatsoever. If my kids ever became teen parents I would expect them to step up to the plate if not I would.

I heard this quote on TV & it really was like a light bulb going off in my head.

It was something g like "You can wait all your life for your father to tell you he loves you. Or you can just love yourself."

Really helped me with an emotionally unavailable Dad.

My dad was an abusive drunk who was also incredibly handsome and charming.
He was malicious and violent and we were terrorised in our home growing up. He blamed his bipolar but wpuld never stay on his meds.

we were constantly told by outsiders how "lucky" we were to have him as a father.

Like you i'm v independent i will never be financially dependent on anyone. ever.... and was VERY particular about who my partner would be and how he would be as a father and a husband.
My husband is kind and a very active engaged and hands on father, worlds apart from my own.

Very honestly I dont get the psychology of women who repeat the cycle...i vividly remember being aged about 7 and vowing to never become my mother and to never live like this when i wss old enough to have a choice. I went NC the week i finished uni.

My dad was a lovely kind man and a very engaged parent but he died suddenly when I was nine. It has blighted my life. I’ve found it very difficult to open up and make myself vulnerable in relationships because I’m terrified of being suddenly left alone again.

I don’t think I’ve ever fully emotionally connected with a man, despite numerous long-term relationships. I tend to choose commitment-phobes, probably because I am one too. I’ve never felt 100% settled in a relationship or like it’s a genuine partnership.

Dad left Mum for OW when I was 13. Mum tried to end her life (she was heavily pregnant, baby died) and ended up in a secure MH unit for months so my sister and I were left sofa surfing with relatives until Mum was released and was given a local council house. Only she was a shadow of who she used to be, and looking after both her and my sister fell on me... everyone else backed right off. I've got no idea how I passed any exams. Dad was busy with his younger model OW (she was about 8 years older than me) and we didn't see him for years. It wasn't until I met now DH and had our 1st baby that he really was a part of my life again - but def at a distance until my stepmum passed away young (cancer). In later life, we became really close again and I spent the last 8 months of his life as his carer when he was diagnosed with cancer. His death broke my heart and I still miss him like a physical pain. He wasn't a good Dad, no, but he was my Dad and I loved him unconditionally.

The lack of relationship never bothered me that much but I felt a lot of resentment towards his second family, who were financially comfortable while my sister and I grew up in near poverty (pre tax credits benefits were tight). He screwed my mother over in the devorce then went self employed and fiddled his books to avoid maintenance while we were cold and hungry.

30 years later he died and I finally met and got to know my siblings from the second family (They're lovely and not to blame), turns out they got a far worse deal being stuck with the abusive prick.

It gave me a a real low bar for men. Which is really difficult because so many men in life are shit but wow do they hide it. I may well of been affected by that one regardless if I'd had a remotely decent father figure.

I guess I never felt good enough growing up. The time inbetween my dad having girlfriends he'd let me tag along to say the shops or the cinema. Then dump me as soon as he found a girlfriend. He would ask me to wrap up gifts for them yet didnt get my any for birthday christmas etc he would date my friends mums so i lost friendships. I grew more and more isolated.
I got use to accepting crumbs. He was also violent and would throw me out the house or not buy food.
The strange thing about your parents they can treat you like utter shite yet you still have this longing for them to love you and be proud of you.

Growing up around toxic and abusive people that becomes your comfortable. In many ways you don't know any different so trust is a really hard one for me even now.

I had a equally emotional unavailable alcoholic mother who I didn't live with. So in many ways today I just feel like I don't and never did have parents. They are no more to me than a very distant acquaintance which is sad.

Even now there is a part of me that yearns for parents. I am very independent because I've had to be but I've missed out on ever being looked after or cared for. Thankfully my husband does a very good job now but it is still different. Seeing grandparents that are making their children's and grandchildrens lives better I find really hard I would love that for myself and my children.

I ended up choosing to marry someone who also has emotionally unavailable parents and our dysfunctions fit like a glove. So we both have done a ton of therapy individually and together so we don't fuck up our children.
The scary thing is I had done therapy before dating and I would of sworn to you he was different than my dad (and he is in many ways) but he still had hidden behaviors (gone now) that were just like my dad. Subconsciously he was comfortable to me.

Whilst clearly you can still be successful (in whatever way you measure it) and have shite /non existent parents. But I have felt every aspect of life has been harder without that love and support. I wasn't nurtured I just survived. I remember just feeling exhausted as a child a teen a young adult. I didn't want to go and explore the world I craved peace safety and to be loved. When my friends were doing hobbies holidays and learning new skills. I was just trying to make it through the day. I didn't have the bandwidth to really excel at anything because I was always trying to navigate my own safety and bare minimum of making sure food was in the cupboard Or how the hell I'd manage to get sanitary products. I wasn't allowed to get a job. I was held back on so many elements of growing as a person. Things like learning to drive ( i still havent passed, i will at some point) I missed that window when it was easier because no one cared if it would be beneficial to me.

I now see the invisible leg up those that have supportive parents have in life. I always thought it was my deficit. Since becoming a parent myself wow do I not understand not giving a crap about your children. It hurts all over again that they don't want to be grandparents but then if they didn't want to be parents then fat chance of them being great grandparents. We have a golden child dynamic so they will for my sibling and they have been able to get ahead in life with the all be it dysfunctional support.

It's made me a better parent though or rather ive made me a better parent because it highlighted so much i didnt want to recreate. I am aware of my triggers and I have lots of ways to regulate myself and my children.

Short answer yes it fucked me up. I will always wish I had loving parents but I have accepted I don't and won't.

I last saw my dad aged 12 when he threw me out of the house, he actively disliked me. Toxic, horrible man.

He died last year, I feel absolutely nothing

I never met my Dad. I can't bring myself to message him because I'm scared of rejection. Been trying to bring myself to do it for the last 10 years. It has caused me to struggle.

Before you ask people to spill their guts on a fairly difficult topic, I’d say it’s polite to give more context to your own situation first.

@Ijwwm I’m sorry, I was planning on writing about my own experience but I’m abroad at the moment and the wifi is horrendous. I tried loading the page a million times.

Firstly, Thankyou to everyone that’s replied so far. I can sympathise with a lot of feelings people are describing.

I used to be quite close to my dad, apparently. Up until the age of 4 and then seemingly I became a nuisance. I can remember him always fussing over my friends but can’t remember him cuddling me or ever really doing anything with me. All of my childhood memories are with my mum.

It was obvious from an early age that he wasn’t interested in me being around. When he left my mum I didn’t really see him much. He made no effort to involve himself in anything to do with me. I remember being desperate to have a dad like my friends dads. It always looked so much fun do ‘dad’ stuff.

I definitely clung to the first man that showed me any attention. Fell pregnant a few weeks after meeting him and then that relationship fell apart. I was always drawn to older men, I suppose looking for a replacement for my dad. Money didn’t interest me but someone respected, powerful and in control.

I’ve seen my dad a handful of times in the last 10 years and realise now that he’s a narcissistic bully. His ego is unmatched and is only happy when he talks about himself. He has no interest at all in his children or grandchildren.
So, I made the decision to cut him off. Since then he’s been very unwell, got better again, got married (for the 6th time) and moved away. I’ve only heard about these things through the 1 sibling he’s still in touch with.

I’ve learnt about the horrible way he treated my lovely mum. The way he did everything he could to get out of supporting his children and the way he’s screwed over other women and their children since.
He’s a horrible, spiteful man and I’m pleased he’ll never be anywhere near my children.

My father never gave a fuck about me or my brother. He was awful to my mam and finally left when we were teenagers. He moved in with another woman (a family friend!) and her 2 toddlers. I’m in my 40’s now and I never see him. He only lives about 20 minutes away, still with the woman. He refers to the woman’s grandchildren as his and he has no interest in mine. I tried over the years with him but I found it too hard to get past all the things he did and said. When my brother died tragically a couple of years ago he was at the funeral crying etc and I just wanted to punch him. He hated my poor brother and treated him appallingly when he was young. That was it for me then, I never bothered again. I think the whole situation has really affected me even though I don’t talk about it much. I’d love to have a kind loving dad in my life and a granddad for my kids. People say to me it’s his loss but is it really? He doesn’t care, never did so how is it his loss. It’s definitely mine.

@Onefortheroad25 People always say that to me…”his loss” but it’s my loss too, and my children’s loss. Like you said, my dad couldn’t care less so I don’t think he feels any loss. As long as he’s got himself a younger woman to show off then he’s not bothered in the slightest about us.