AIBU to ask how it’s affected your life if you didn’t have a father or had one that didn’t care?

[TheMasterplan23]

Just that really….

I’m just interested to see how people like me have felt growing up and what impact it’s had on you as an adult?

I only wish I hadn’t had a father or he had buggered off so it is all relative.
The only good memory I have of anything related to him was when he died.
I drove home (I had been looking after the abusive old fucker partly because I wouldn’t leave anybody alone who had terminal cancer, partly to take the moral high ground and partly to publicly prove his decades of making me feel I was a worthless nothing wrong) playing my music and singing along.
It was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders at last.

Never had a dad. I’m sure it’s affected me in many ways I am fully not aware of .
But more obviously in ways like choosing deadbeat partners and having low standards for relationships and being desperately clingy to any man that shows me attention etc .

it also left me not valuing the relationship my own children have with their dad. Quite sad really.

My dad left when I was about 8 and my brother 6. My step dad made it difficult for him to see us so it tailed off until I sought him out as an adult. My step dad was violent and abusive. In adulthood both expect me to do all the work to see them and I had to draw a line under it.

I became the kind of parent neither of them was.

I’m disabled and my father made it abundantly clear to me at a very young age that I would never be good enough no matter what I did, I was tainted by my disability. I haven’t spoken to him in 20+ years

He marred my childhood and has given me classic Daddy Issues

People have also across the years called me immature for not wanting a relationship, like the abuse didn’t happen and I’m just being difficult

Never met or seen my biological father. Hasn’t impacted me at all. I occasionally wonder what his medical history was and how this will impact my kids, but that’s it. He left my mother when she fell pregnant at a very young age and she hasn’t seen him since. Best rid in my opinion.

My Dad loved us but he wasn’t present unless it suited him. He had constant girlfriends and would be at the pub all the time. He left when I was 10’ish, I didn’t really notice.
He was basically extremely selfish.
However, he was good fun and he was never mean to us. He never told us off or had any expectations of us. It was like he had the ‘fun uncle’ role. When we were together we would laugh and have a great time.
I dont think it adversely affected me but that was, I think, because I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing Mum. She has only ever been loving and kind. I was never told off, shouted at or guilt tripped my whole childhood.

My Dad wasn’t someone I ever respected but I still think I preferred him as Dad than someone who was mean or strict. My Mum could easily have been sour about him and bad mouthed him. I’m really glad she didn’t.

🫂 💐 xx

I had two mentally ill parents.
Mum had BPD (obviously we didn't know what it was back then) so was either acting like Mary Poppins kissing us and telling us how amazing we were, but then at the flick of a switch she would be screaming and raging and blaming us for things we had no control over.

Dad wasn't abusive on his own but was depressed. He didn't want me or my little brother (and my mum took great delight in telling me he tried to get me aborted). He was abused by my mum too and just obviously couldn't cope with his life. That said when my mum abused us he enabled/supported her to save himself. He was very hard working (in fact couldn't really sit still or relax) and was clearly a tormented soul. He himself told me not long before he died he didn't love anyone except my mum. I said 'you don't mean that dad' and he said quite sincerely 'I do, I do mean it'

So me - I ended up pretty messed up but didn't really piece it together till later in life. I became a perfectionist and really hard worker so nobody would be angry at me and because if I was 'useful' people would like me.

I married someone stable, kind and patient and treated him badly. Stable people felt boring like something was wrong with them. The lack of drama or fighting or abuse felt hugely unsettling to me and made me anxious.

(Very glad to say he is happily married to someone else now)

I made impulsive decisions which took me down bad paths and affected me financially and health wise (chucking in good jobs, overeating, not thinking things through)

Had lots of nice, kind men who tried to love me and I couldn't love any of them back (presumably because they didn't act like my dad who's love I spent my whole life trying to win)

Two men I fell for were selfish and not very into me and treated me badly. So of course I adored them and ran about trying to make them love me.

Finally in my forties I realised this couldn't go on.

Nice men who loved me - I couldn't love them and would treat them badly.

Men who were like my dad I guess - I was mad for them and turned myself inside out trying to get them to love me.

So I stopped dating/relationships. It took another 10 years before I got diagnosed with complex trauma from chaotic, abusive childhood (on the NHS).

Getting schema therapy on the NHS in the near future.

Having a dad with no interest in me, who tried very hard to keep me away from him was soul destroying and left me empty and always trying to fill that void. I am painfully shy with men (I have trouble understanding why any of them would love me when my own dad didn't)

I looked after him in the weeks before he died and he was for the first time in his life 'happy to see me' as he needed me. I was so happy to be wanted by him I was practically floating. Unfortunately BPD mother was screaming in background about herself as usual so those few weeks were marred by that. She couldn't bear my dads attention to be on anyone except her even when he was dying.

My father was violent to my DM and she kicked him out when we were young. He chose to move hundreds of miles away and not acknowledge us at all. I spent years terrified of men because of him, and even longer being an absolute people pleaser toward my DM out of fear she was going to leave us too - not that she ever would have.

Therapy helped, and I've been married 20 years to a lovely man, but the scars are still there. I can't bear to be near shouty, aggressive men, and I really struggle with perceived rejection so am quite cool in friendships.

I found some things out later in life through a family member who would contact him occasionally. His story was that my DM stopped him from seeing us - untrue - and that he was waiting for us, his young children, to contact him, the adult. He would also travel the hundreds of miles to where we lived regularly for work, so was literally in the town where we were, but made no attempt to contact us. He found out he had grandchildren and didn't acknowledge them.

Before he died, we found out he was terminal and I came to the realisation that there was no point going to see him. He couldn't go back in time and be the dad I needed when I was a child, and I certainly wasn't going to turn up all smiles and forgiveness. I never went to his funeral and I don't regret that, he was a stranger to me and I only go to funerals of people I actually know and care about.

So I agree with a PP, it was his loss but it was also my loss too. I am lucky enough to have a fantastic DM who shows me every day how to be strong and independent, but it never needed to be only her, I did have two parents. And it's just sad that one of them chose not to be my parent.

Me too.
He was and still is a raging alcoholic who’s never been able to hold down a job and spends all his time sitting in the worst pub in town, somehow I didn’t realise he was a complete embarrassment until just a year or two ago when I was 18/19. Probably because I didn’t live with him growing up so any friends I invited home didn’t witness him. He’s also extremely judgemental and opinionated and impossible to be around because of this (maybe one day I’ll point out that the taxes I pay now support him more than he did my entire childhood so what right does he have to be moaning about every single thing other people do but I don’t think I can be bothered with the ensuing drama)

Probably a good thing

My father passed away suddenly when I was 8 . Over the years I wonder about him. I hold on to memories of him . He was a good dad and I had a strong good mother . She was 40 when he passed away and now in her 90’s she never had another partner. The only time I felt real sadness as an adult was the birth of my children and my wedding day. I don’t feel I missed out massively as I had a great mum . As a child I could see from friends around me I was lucky as I had one great parent and a lot of them had 2 crap one’s .

My Dad moved countries when I was 12. I'm in my 40s and have seen him twice since then. Before that he was very disengaged, workaholic. He never really acted as a dad so I don't think I miss what I never had. I am curiously fascinated by people who have a close relationship with their father, almost like I can't imagine it, don't know how that works. I also struggle to connect with men in my father's age demographic. I don't know how to talk to them and I probably assume they don't have interest in talking to me, as my father never did.

To add to this, my mum has also been quite disengaged and preoccupied throughout my life. I do think that having less involved parents is probably why I am stubbornly independent and struggle to ask for help when I need it. I feel like a burden and that I will inconvenience people. Flip side is that if someone does a nice thing for me or goes out of their way to help me, I am pretty much won over by them...which can also be a bad thing.

My dad was with my mum until I was 18 then he ran off with her best friend.

He had 4 kids and honestly didnt really give a shit about any of us. All my memories are of my mum - mostly good but also she went through alcohol addiction for a number of years so my childhood wasnt amazing.

My mum has recovered and we have a great relationship now.

I dont speak to my dad. He sends money for my child (who he has never met) on birthdays and Christmas. I dont want or need the money but I put it into DCs bank. Thats the extent of our relationship and he only does that to make himself feel like hes "doing something for his grand kids" laughable really as he hasn't even met DC.

Im very independent and have a good job and career. I love my life and im very happy.

I do not miss my dad and I think my life is better without him in it.

My dad left when I was 4,he was violent and cheated on my mum regularly. He worked away a lot so I don't ever remember him living at home. I saw him occasionally until I was around 16 when I realised that it was all me doing the chasing and he never asked to see me. When I stopped ringing him I never saw him again, so that tells you everything you need to know about how bothered he was.
My mum has her issues but she was always there for us so I never felt I missed out massively during my childhood. I still feel a sense of sadness when I see the relationship friends have with their fathers and I realise what I actually missed out on but then the man that was my father was never going to be able to be that person so there is no point in dwelling on it.
My DH is a fantastic father to our kids and my lovely FIL was a father figure to me for many years before we lost him recently. I think my dad is still alive but I have no desire at all to see him and I think when he does die I will feel nothing.

My story is a little different because I did have what I thought was a great dad growing up. He was very much a Disney weekend dad which I see now but as a child, he meant the world to me. He would take me to nice places, on great holidays and buy me literally anything I asked for- however outlandish. As you can imagine, this made him very much a deity.

He moved to London when I was about 8 to become an actor but would come back up every weekend until I was about 12, then it dropped to monthly and by the time I was about 14 it was just birthday and Christmas.

When I was 18, I guess he figured his job was done and he dropped me like a tonne of bricks. No explanation, no real conversation, he just cut me out. I have had a long time to think about his actions and reasons, I think he’s a narcissist in truth. I served him as a child because it made him feel good thinking he was a great guy because I bought into this vision of him being incredible, basically due to him spending lots of cash on me. Once I became an adult and perhaps more independent and thought more critically, he didn’t want me around anymore.

I’ve seen him once since. My DH insisted we go visit him with DC because they’d never met him and he said I should make an effort to reconcile. He barely acknowledged my DC and spent the entire time talking about himself and how amazing he was. Told me all I needed to know.

He’s recently released a book and I’ve only looked through the preview but pretty certain he’s used chat GPT… I have a PhD and lecture in English Lit so I don’t know if he did this thinking he could ‘one up’ me since I have a few publications and this is my area of expertise if you life. No clue but it’s clearly AI generated.

Like @Weligama I am not sure if it was the sudden death of my Father (age 22, I was 3m) or the collapse of my then 28 y/o Mother that was worse. She'd left her husband & 3 y/o son to run off with my Father & had me (mostly to keep him, as he was married to a woman who couldn’t have children). When he died (RTA) she went back to her husband. She took me along but I was on sufferance & told I was a burden. I didn't know why. She'd forged her name on my birth cert (to be my Father's 'wife') but sent me to School in her husbands name. The whole village knew (& she was a pariah for leaving her 3 y/o son)
I found out 'my story' from kids at school (I went home & asked her what a 'bastard' was). Her husband was quite a nice guy but never stood up to her (he wanted to adopt me but she wouldn't let him). She wouldn't let us be close at all. For the rest of her life she praised my older half brother (who hated me then as I was 'the reason his mum had left him aged 3, & hates me still). She cut me out of her will when she died. My half brother & the man I called Dad for 12 years don't speak to me. I"ve met my Father's family. Its clear my life would have been entirely different if he had lived. Yes, it has affected me. His death was the catalyst for leaving me alone with a very damaged parent to 'Mother' me.