Today is my birthday…

[BlueOrange99]

I am a FTM to a 4w old DS, so didn’t expect to go partying or do much for this year anyway.

For context, I did the 5:30am feed, expressed and didn’t get to back to sleep until about 6:30am. I was hoping to have a birthday lie in, but was up at 9am again as DH didn’t set an alarm for his turn to do the feed.

I then asked DH for a bagel for breakfast, but that’s as eventful as my morning was. I also suggested we go for a walk, but again, it was me initiating. Nothing was done FOR me.

All now, I haven’t received any gifts, or a card, or any sentiments. Nothing. But he hasn’t forgotten, and did wish me a happy birthday as the clock struck 00:00.

I’m not usually one to expect things and certainly wasn’t expecting much this year. Maybe I am being hormonal, but I just feel there was no effort from DH to even make today feel at all special - my first birthday as a mummy! It would have been nice to have had SOMETHING. Literally a Cadbury’s chocolate bar and a card would have made me happy.

When I told him how I felt, he said he didn’t consider a card as he’s “not creative”, and that what he ordered for me hadn’t arrived in time. I had no knowledge that he ordered me something, and asked him why he didn’t mention it. He replied “because it wouldn’t have made it any better”. He is now moping about, saying he knows he’s ruined my birthday, as if I’m supposed to feel sorry for him.

What makes this worse is we are both gift givers, and pride ourselves in celebrating each other’s special days, so for him to do nothing is highly unusual. I know we have a 4w old, but is that an excuse?

AIBU to have wanted/expected a little more from DH on my birthday? Should I cut him some slack?

Happy Birthday!
I hate when us women explain perfectly valid emotions and then say "I could be being hormonal", you aren't and you're feelings are valid.
Your birthday does sound a bit flat. I think I could get over it if it was a one off from my partner but if its a pattern it would be a different story.
Id express how I felt and then move on but yanbu for expecting more today.

Happy Birthday OP.

I think that's pretty poor behaviour by your H.

He could have got you a card. He could have told you your present was on it's way. He could have set his alarm. He could have made you breakfast. And made a bit of a fuss of you.
But he doesn't seem to have done any of that.
I'm really sorry he has been so thoughtless and lacking in consideration.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby son, and Happy Birthday.
You are not being unreasonable at all.
I would feel sad too about it.
He doesn't have an excuse.
Sometimes men can be thoughtless.
🎉🥳💐🎂

Happy Birthday!

It's my dh's birthday today as well and I have been run off my feet at work for the last 10 days (4am finish one night and back at 8am) and feel bad it was a bit of a non-event for him - although I did still manage to get him a couple of gifts from me and the kids and a cards to open this morning plus breakfast and a promise to take him out next weekend when life gets back to normal.
Not even a 'Mummy' birthday card for your first one is super shit. I'm so sorry, he needs to up his game so very much as you deserve 100x more.
Being thoughtless is a cover for 'takes for granted' and 'not creative' = 'can't be arsed'

Happy birthday!

I’m sorry to hear this OP. That’s so rubbish. And it can feel so hurtful especially when you have a new baby. No excuse for your DH not doing anything to make you feel special and loved.

If it helps today is my birthday too.

It was somewhat spoiled by my Mum having a go at me this morning by message because she had got my email address wrong.

But the thing that was lovely about my birthday was how lovely my kids made it for me. My 17 yo in particular made such an effort little with gifts that she could afford and keeping back the presents from others in the family to give to me this evening (when we were doing presents).

So my 17 yo who was once the reason why I didn’t get a lie in on any birthdays in the past, or any time to relax etc, was the cause of the birthday loveliness.

I divorced the former H who never made my birthdays feel special.

Happy birthday!

did you tell dh that even if a gift hadn’t arrived (? Be more flipping organised dh!) he could have made you feel cared for in other ways? given you a birthday hug and made some breakfast, popped out and bought a cake and flowers and ordered a takeaway or cooked dinner, even run you a bath and tell you to take time for yourself. Whatever.

Tell him this. And tell him that you don’t want to feel uncared for around any special occasions and that includes Mother’s Day, just like you wouldn’t want him to feel uncared for.

It’s normal to acknowledge/celebrate your loved ones birthdays unless the person has asked not to. You don’t have to be ‘creative’ to get a card and buy something you think the other person will appreciate, so he’s full of shit saying he’s not creative.

Tomorrow, I would have a conversation where you lay out very clearly your expectations for coming birthdays/Xmas/Mother’s Day etc. You shouldn’t have to, but if you’re going to spend your life with this man, have the conversation so this doesn’t happen again. Be explicit and make him aware that you don’t ever expect to have to speak about it again. Don’t be one of the many women on here who is sad and pissed every year because their partner didn’t bother to make an effort.

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to you!

When you say that you feel he hasn’t made an effort that’s not your feelings. It’s factual. It’s horrible and unkind. And having a newborn baby as well that makes it even worse that’s he’s behaved like this. And as previous poster said- don’t question yourself by suggesting it’s your v hormones and you not thinking straight. You deserve much more. I hope you can treat yourself to something nice and have a special day if not today then tomorrow.

I hope you can enjoy your birthday all week long!

He should have got you a card and a card with Mummy on from your DS. I think I would have cried if my DH had been this thoughtless when my baby was tiny. He knows you are not getting much sleep and he could have given you a lie in, bought you flowers and cards and took you to lunch. 💐Tell him to try harder.

Thank you all for your replies on this! Glad to know I’m not being unreasonable!! I’ll be having a conversation today - wish me luck!

I would find it extremely hard to move past this. You have a very young baby and your husband has witnessed you grow and birth a child and all the struggles that come with it. If anything this birthday should be more special than others.

I’m really sorry this happened to you. You need to have a clear and direct conversation about how you feel and what you expect from him as a partner and father.

When I told him how I felt, he said he didn’t consider a card as he’s “not creative” Is he confused? Does he think you were expecting him to get the crayons out and draw you a card? They sell them in every supermarket, corner shop and town centre. Even petrol stations. It isn’t as though he’d have to venture onto Etsy. And since when are birthday cards considered creative? Hasn’t he received one every year since he was born?

and that what he ordered for me hadn’t arrived in time. This old chestnut. The excuse of the crap (or non existent) gift giver. Ask him to show you the order confirmation. Or the on line banking charge. And I bet he squirms.

I had no knowledge that he ordered me something, and asked him why he didn’t mention it. He replied “because it wouldn’t have made it any better” What would have made it better is him telling you yesterday that there was a gift on its way but that he was worried because it hadn’t arrived yet. Assuming that he did actually order one, of course. Again, ask him to show you the order confirmation email.

He is now moping about, saying he knows he’s ruined my birthday, as if I’m supposed to feel sorry for him ‘Yes DH, you have ensured it has got off to a thoroughly shit start. So you can either pull your finger out, make me a lovely lunch and ensure the rest of the day is a bit better, or you can carry on sulking, make my birthday all about you, make it so I don’t even want to be in the same room as you and ensure that the rest of it is shit as well’

4wks pp is SUCH a hard time.

Take the baby and yourself (or just yourself if you can) and go somewhere DECENT and delicious for lunch... bring a book or play on your phone or just enjoy it.

Explain clearly he needs to get a fucking good cake and some kind of card before dinner tonight amd needs to set his alarm and feed the baby while creeping arpund like a mouse so you can lie in tomorrow.

Separately get yourself some earplugs. They have saved my sanity as i have a clompy dh and a 3 and 1 yr old

Good luck and happy birthday

Happy birthday!

And he has been selfish and lazy. Not good enough.

Have you had any birthday wishes from anyone else?

He could have taken the baby out for a walk, let you have an hour to yourself and while he was out buy you a bunch of flowers, bag of sweets or get something nice for dinner. He had plenty of opportunities to do something even if his main gift hadn’t shown up on time

No excuse at all and hormones or not it would definitely make me look at him differently considering what you have went through to give birth to his child a few weeks ago

You are not overreacting, and it does seem your husband has been both unorganised and thoughtless. New dads sometimes get baby brain too...but no excuses, he had better get his act together quickly.

If he is normally more thoughtful, put it down to a blip...most partners have them from time to time, I bet most women have experienced similar.

Give your baby a cuddle, count your blessings, and from me to you BlueOrange99 I hope you have a lovely birthday in spite of hubbies thoughtlessness.

I think he is jealous of the new DC.
He has behaved purposefully badly today as a punishment.
This is not a good start to Parenthood.
Not quite sure how you should approach this.
He is deflecting to you. Good Luck when you chat with him.

Happy birthday for yesterday OP. It’s an excellent date.

My DS was 3 weeks on my birthday. It was 12 years ago but I’m sure I’d remember if DH had been useless.

You could get shown what he's ordered, (when it was ordered) if it's thoughtful and just a bit late you will get over yourself quicker. Or, if he hasn't and said it cause he's not thought about getting you anything at all, or just ordered today it can be a good visual of what he's saying versus what he's doing. Iv been in your position and just swallowed that my birthday isn't that big of a deal somehow, till one year I made it very clear I wasn't happy, asked why I didn't get a cake? Any discussion about what I would like to happen etc, what made me different from others? Also it's not petty to match someone's energy, if you get nothing neither do they, don't go mad for someone's birthday or Christmas/father's day if you don't get anything, it's not about money, it's about showing you care. "Creative"" isn't buying cards, creative is making them, he should learn that today, for future reference

Thank you all, as well, for the birthday wishes! Today hasn't been of an improvement. He seems to be moping around, making it about himself and how HE feels. It is adding salt in the wound and I’m shocked/even more disappointed in how he is acting. There has been no mention of the gift today, and it seems to be business as usual. He has not offered to make it up to me for yesterday’s sh*t show of a birthday. I’m not sure how best to move past this and have said I need some space with just me and my DS. I’m wondering where this behaviour has come from and if this is something I can deal with going forward. I knew the first few weeks postpartum were going to be tricky, but NOT for this reason. He is a great dad and loves our DS to pieces, but I am hurt and feeling as though he isn’t seeing me or treating me the way I would want him to. What to do next?!

Down load the Costa app. You get a free cake your birthday week. Take yourself and ds out. And make the same effort for his birthday... Twat.

Agree. Cards are sold in every supermarket now! There was no need to make one. And if my gift for a partner hadn't arrived I would buy some chocolate or similar in the meantime. Has he been good about your birthday in the past?

I suggest you tell him you'd like a do over and to have the same day next week as your substitute birthday. It doesn't have to be fireworks, just a nice day with a bit of effort.

Ask him why he’s moping around and turned this on himself instead of acting like an adult, facing up to his error and trying to rectify it? How self pitying.
Honestly, all that energy placed in his own pity redirected into action in making up for this would have resulted in a much, much better situation for all of you.
Make this clear to him.

I agree! He usually makes so much effort for my birthday and other special occasions, which is why this year has come as such a shock.