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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If your a single parent can you work away 500 miles for a day.

69 replies

Sheldonsheher · 03/11/2025 21:10

I have a send child and another child in primary.
my send child is often refusing school or being sent home ( almost once every week or twice).
Work is harassing me to either move nearer or hybrid. I had thought to offer a day month. But I’m now thinking this is not feasible because send child may be sent home. If public transport fails I will be stuck far away.
No family support near me.
Feels too risky or am I being defeatist?
I have not even tried to find someone who could do this maybe it’s a non starter?

OP posts:
Sheldonsheher · 04/11/2025 07:48

Thanks I’m thinking I might not do this after all. I’m not sure I earn enough for all this. I only earn 150k so after my taxes as a single person and no other income or maintenance etc it’s not that much. I’m not in the league of full time nanny and luxury travel unfortunately.

OP posts:
Grinsta · 04/11/2025 09:37

Maybe I am misunderstanding but it seems to me there are 2 separate issues here. Firstly how to cover the travel day - one day per month you're proposing - when you are inevitably going to need tonnes of wraparound. This I think you would need a regular contract with a professional for - and I think that is achievable. But it would need to be scheduled not ad hoc. I reckon once a fortnight is quite doable for this if not once a month, but talk to some agencies.

The issue of child not attending school can happen any day and I'm not sure exactly how that fits in. It sounds like you'd feel able to cover that 19 days out of 20 by WFH, is that right? Or are you looking for more childcare outwith the 1 day a month because you're already (understandably) at breaking point trying to juggle picking up your SEN child with your work, even when WFH?

You have a huge amount on your plate, but at risk of adding to it, it sounds like your SEN child's needs are not being met in school and that puts you rather on a knife edge. These situations get worse more often than they spontaneously resolve. It doesn't sound like you have a set up with much "head room" for your child to cope with an extra demand like you being away more. A child on a PT timetable can easily become a child out of school, and what would you do then? There are never any good answers to this because having a child not in school is an incredibly difficult position, especially for a single parent. And it ends careers.

If SEN child's school is not working anyway, maybe a house move wouldn't be a bad thing. It would give you the freedom to relocate with their schooling in mind. But I understand the need to stay close to a support network too. Would a fully WFH role actually solve the problem you have, or do you actually need a bit more headroom anyway, even if that is just paying a nanny one day a week, or a couple of afternoons? I think this would take the pressure off. The nanny could pick up the other child from school a couple of times a week too, get their dinner sorted etc which would give you a little breathing space. A friend of mine employs a housekeeper who is around when her secondary age kids get home from school, does a few hours' cleaning a week, laundry, preps a couple of family dinners.

With your current employer, do talk to work about whether they can make an adjustment bearing in mind your child's needs. A good employer should be very careful not to discriminate against you for having a disabled child.

Grinsta · 04/11/2025 09:38

Oh and do you need to call an emergency annual review on your child's EHCP?

Babyboomtastic · 04/11/2025 09:48

A public sector job that pays £150k, that is fully remote for years on end, and can be worked around 2 children, single parenthood, SEN and school refusal.? Really?

There's niche and there's suspiciously unrealistic. That sort of salary in the UK public sector means being pretty much at the top (or near the top) of an organisation, and you'd need far more visibility or something like a surgeon (which couldn't be remote). Something highly qualified and niche such as the head of legal for a government department might just about get you that salary but would need far more face to face engagement.

ByRealLemonFox · 04/11/2025 19:03

I am a working mum of a SEN child and there is no way I would do this. My son has school refusal, and I am called by the school to go and help them calm him down. I currently work 10 mile from home (hybrid), and this in itself can be a challenge when he is on a spiral. I have turned down hobs previously due to no flexibility and/or no remote working. It wouldn't be fair on my son or anyone else to try to deal with a huge meltdown, or have to try getting him to school when refusing.

Does your company know your situation? If not, explain yoyr situation and see if they are able to keep you remote working. I have been open from day 1 about my situation and I got hybrid working which is outside of their policy.

Sheldonsheher · 05/11/2025 06:27

Thanks I have told them. They pretty much don’t care. Unless I move closer then maybe they would let me stay remote. It’s not guaranteed though they could change their mind and not much I can do about it apparently.

OP posts:
ByRealLemonFox · 05/11/2025 06:33

Sheldonsheher · 05/11/2025 06:27

Thanks I have told them. They pretty much don’t care. Unless I move closer then maybe they would let me stay remote. It’s not guaranteed though they could change their mind and not much I can do about it apparently.

If you were thinking about moving closer get remote working in your contract 1st.

The only other option I can think off is to look for a job closer to home and negotiate remote working or 1 day/week in office from the start.

trainkeepsgoing · 05/11/2025 06:38

Sheldonsheher · 03/11/2025 21:54

There Is a problem unfortunately my contract does not say I’m a home worker only a written agreement afterwards.
I guess it would depend on whether there was someone local as you say was interested and trusted for such a position. I would still feel anxious though so I’m not sure.

A written agreement afterwards is a contract amendment so it’s contractual that you are remote. You don’t need to agree to change anything. As someone said-if it’s a niche job then you’re a niche employee and probably hard to replace - they probably need you just as much as you need them.

FenceBooksCycle · 05/11/2025 06:54

You clearly cannot be 500 miles away in this situation. Either you need to have a reliable backup for if your child can't be in school on a day you are in the office, or you cannot have a job that requires you to be in the office that far away. It is not your employer's responsibility to resolve this for you though - if they have a business need for employees to be physically present at least occasionally, which is reasonable, then it's not discriminatory for them to insist on that and it's your responsibility to find employment that has Ts&Cs that are compatible with your capacity. Employers cannot discriminate but they are not obliged to employ someone who can't actually do the job that needs doing so it's up to you to either work out a way to achieve what they need. If you can't then the options are that either you resign or they have to go through a formal process to terminate your employment on the grounds that you cannot meet the requirements of the job. Important : if you think the likelihood that you can get a job that os compatible with your needs is low, and that you are likely to need to rely on benefits for the costs of living, then you really must hold out for the 2nd option here. If you resign you will be classified as voluntarily unrmployed and will not have the same entitlement

Grinsta · 05/11/2025 08:29

Sheldonsheher · 05/11/2025 06:27

Thanks I have told them. They pretty much don’t care. Unless I move closer then maybe they would let me stay remote. It’s not guaranteed though they could change their mind and not much I can do about it apparently.

Why would they be happier if you moved closer but stayed remote? What difference would it make to them vs the current situation?

PetuniaP · 05/11/2025 08:51

There Is a problem unfortunately my contract does not say I’m a home worker only a written agreement afterwards.

What exactly does the letter say? Can you C+P the wording? I have 'a letter' accepting my flexible working request to be 100% home based. I have sent it to HR this week, as they were trying to pull me back to the office after nearly 10 years. They have accepted the letter as evidence of my contract being changed, as they couldn't find a record previously. Hmm

6thformoptions · 05/11/2025 08:57

OP I didn't catch the ages of your kids, but depending on how much you are earning perhaps you could consider a private school option that allows flexi boarding?

I am a single parent and if my health was better this was the plan for my work, but sadly now my health is so bad I can't do the job I used to. Having the option of wrap around care is very helpful and our school has nearly 30% SEN on roll, so they are very good at keeping kids in mainstream while being nurturing. A lot of private schools have a higher % of SEN than state, so it is worth looking into and perhaps at bursary systems?

Just an idea anyway.

ScaryM0nster · 05/11/2025 09:05

Yes - it’s perfectly doable with bombproof back up, and realistic expectations from employer.

That bombproof back up might be a nanny that can stay over if needed, or a child mind who’ll do occasional sleep overs.

Finding something and being confident it works for everyone is likely to take a bit of time. From what you’ve said, everything is tough, so that childcare as a weekly booking to give you a bit of extra space might be a good option. And possibly easier to get a booking. Or something creative with someone who wants work most week but not every week.

40YearOldDad · 05/11/2025 11:27

I'm on the fence about this in general. If your contract is truely 100% remote, then it's a contract change and would need to be agreed upon by both parties. If not, then it's reasonable for them to ask you to come into the office; this could be for any reason.

What would you do if they asked you to work one day a week in the office?

Full-time wrap-around - in-house care is not going to be cheap and to find someone half decent would need to be regular work for them, ie once a week/month etc.

Sheldonsheher · 05/11/2025 23:33

I’ve been doing my job remote for over 5 years so I don’t think I really need to be in person. Also others are working remote 100% from nearer. They said I can do it remote from nearer. I’m not sure I will get very far with logical reasoning though as they are probably able to make up a good enough business reason for a tribunal etc. I think I would have to relocate or wait for them to fire me while looking for a new job. Annoying though. Also I don’t trust them at all now.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 06/11/2025 00:00

Move nearer, dont tell ex where you are.

Meadowfinch · 06/11/2025 00:09

You should be able to find a qualified specialist nanny who will stay two days/ one night to look after SEND child although not sure if they would care for two DCs.

Working 500 miles away seems crazy to me. Is there really no alternative?

loveteandcake · 06/11/2025 00:15

Don’t think this post can be real.
remote is remote, why would it matter if you were 10 miles or 500.
what job pays £150k and you don’t need to ever be on site, very high salary for remote work, think more info is needed.

Sheldonsheher · 06/11/2025 15:33

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 06/11/2025 00:00

Move nearer, dont tell ex where you are.

Yes this is one possible answer I thought of too.

OP posts:
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