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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you know anyone with a p*rn addiction? What are they like? Did they ever kick the habit? AIBU to leave?

34 replies

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 19:22

I am heartbroken by the thought but it's just gotten too much.

I never had a problem with p*rn before but
a) it's A LOT
b) he's tired all day the next day after a binge so less quality family time
c) I'm sure I get less affection as a result of the fatigue
d) he suppresses his sexuality with me because he doesn't want to get triggered but then still goes on the internet to get his kicks

Means I now view it as cheating. Whereas he views it as an illness he's trying to recover from and doesn't own that it could also be cheating the most he says as acknowledgment is "I suppose it can be seen that way".

I feel conflicted. He's in a 12 step programme and having therapy but every time he "loses his sobriety" I feel like it's another paper cut.

His "max sobriety" has been a month and it's been 1.5-2 years since he was in these recovery programmes, 5 years since the addiction started.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 03/11/2025 19:49

He's tired all day the next day after a binge

WTF? What's he doing? Wanking himself dry?

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 19:56

MasterBeth · 03/11/2025 19:49

He's tired all day the next day after a binge

WTF? What's he doing? Wanking himself dry?

I guess so. He's up hours later than he would normally go to bed.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 03/11/2025 19:58

Why do you censor out the full spelling of the word 'porn'. It's not a swearword. And even if it was you're allowed to swear on here?

MannequinsArePeopleToo · 03/11/2025 20:00

It's ok to use the word porn or even pornography.

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:00

DiscoBob · 03/11/2025 19:58

Why do you censor out the full spelling of the word 'porn'. It's not a swearword. And even if it was you're allowed to swear on here?

Oh, I wasn't sure if it would post if I wrote it out properly.

OP posts:
Jackiepumpkinhead · 03/11/2025 20:00

I don’t understand point D? He won’t have sex with you in case he gets turned on and then watches more porn? It sounds like you’re fighting a losing battle, OP. What a horrible situation to be in, I do feel for you.

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:00

MannequinsArePeopleToo · 03/11/2025 20:00

It's ok to use the word porn or even pornography.

Okay thanks I know that now :)

OP posts:
MerryPinkCritic · 03/11/2025 20:02

Idgaf a fuck what people say to this. People with porn addictions are rotten and better left alone. Let them get the help they need without you before they fuck you up further.

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:02

Jackiepumpkinhead · 03/11/2025 20:00

I don’t understand point D? He won’t have sex with you in case he gets turned on and then watches more porn? It sounds like you’re fighting a losing battle, OP. What a horrible situation to be in, I do feel for you.

Yes, his 12 step programme suggests a period of complete abstinence (fine), but he's not being abstinent because he's still using pornography (not fine in my view, a victim of his addiction in his view)

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 03/11/2025 20:03

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:00

Oh, I wasn't sure if it would post if I wrote it out properly.

No bother. It just looked a bit weird. Swear away! Yeah if porn is a deal-breaker then you can't do anything but tell him so.

Lavenduhhh · 03/11/2025 20:03

I left two LTRs (one marriage) because of this. No, they don't change. They get better at hiding and you go insane . LTB.

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:03

MerryPinkCritic · 03/11/2025 20:02

Idgaf a fuck what people say to this. People with porn addictions are rotten and better left alone. Let them get the help they need without you before they fuck you up further.

Do you have experience of this? I don't know anyone with any experience so I feel like I'm kinda walking around in the dark hoping the 12 step programme works and plodding on with my life as best as I can

OP posts:
MerryPinkCritic · 03/11/2025 20:04

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:03

Do you have experience of this? I don't know anyone with any experience so I feel like I'm kinda walking around in the dark hoping the 12 step programme works and plodding on with my life as best as I can

Yep. I said what I said and that’s my advice

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:04

DiscoBob · 03/11/2025 20:03

No bother. It just looked a bit weird. Swear away! Yeah if porn is a deal-breaker then you can't do anything but tell him so.

I have and he keeps using and says he doesn't want to but can't help it and is trying with the 12 step and the therapy

OP posts:
Jackiepumpkinhead · 03/11/2025 20:04

After 5 years OP, I think it’s time to show him the door.

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:06

Lavenduhhh · 03/11/2025 20:03

I left two LTRs (one marriage) because of this. No, they don't change. They get better at hiding and you go insane . LTB.

Did they try to kick it?
We're actually really good in between his "binges" so it's confusing but I am at the end of my tether tbh...and am going a bit insane because I'm like "well don't all guys watch porn" and "there are a million posts a day on how one person in a relationship wants sex more than the other so wouldn't a version of this be an issue in any relationship" so i stay stuck.

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 03/11/2025 20:50

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 20:04

I have and he keeps using and says he doesn't want to but can't help it and is trying with the 12 step and the therapy

I've not heard of twelve steps for porn. Sounds like bullshit?

If it's spoiling his ability to have normal sex than it's not acceptable.

Though he has a right to masterbate in private to an extent.

CrystalSingerFan · 03/11/2025 20:59

MannequinsArePeopleToo · 03/11/2025 20:00

It's ok to use the word porn or even pornography.

Thanks!

Plus, for any visiting Americans, 'smut'. Cue Tom Lehrer's immortal 1967 song 'Smut':

THAT's a rhyme scheme. <Scampers off to ask ChatGPT to compose a reply to the OP in the style of that song>

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaHDBL7dVgs

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 21:06

DiscoBob · 03/11/2025 20:50

I've not heard of twelve steps for porn. Sounds like bullshit?

If it's spoiling his ability to have normal sex than it's not acceptable.

Though he has a right to masterbate in private to an extent.

Yes I previously didn't mind as this is what I thought. But when he's bloody miserable the next day and when we go months/years being "abstinent" to "help him kick his habit" while he's having a jolly by himself it's sickening.

OP posts:
RebeccasPants · 03/11/2025 21:10

My DS was. Horribly. He overcame it a few years back. And has been clean since. He feels such shame and didn't like that it fully consumed him.

DiscoBob · 03/11/2025 21:10

NameChangeforMarriageQun · 03/11/2025 21:06

Yes I previously didn't mind as this is what I thought. But when he's bloody miserable the next day and when we go months/years being "abstinent" to "help him kick his habit" while he's having a jolly by himself it's sickening.

Yeah that's bollocks. How could you two not shagging help him stop his porn addiction?!

I think it might need to be sayonara.

moderate · 03/11/2025 21:11

If you don't have children, you should leave him in a heartbeat.
If you do, you should leave him in two heartbeats.

PeonyPatch · 03/11/2025 21:11

It’s been 5 years. Is this much of a priority for him to stop? Do you know he’s definitely engaging in therapy? Has he seen a psychiatrist? He might need medication?!

Lifeisforliving2025 · 03/11/2025 21:14

Does he not give you the ick?

CrystalSingerFan · 03/11/2025 21:14

As promised, here's a ChatGPT response to the OP. Terrifying:

🎵 “The Ballad of the Broadband Blues” (to the tune and tone of Lehrer’s “Smut”)

I do not mind erotica,
In moderate exotica,
A tasteful glimpse of hosiery
Can brighten up the day—
But he prefers variety,
In troubling sobriety,
He’s surfing like a sailor
Who has lost his moral way!

He’s clicking through the night again,
With tissues as his only friend,
While I’m in bed alone composing
Forums posts at three A.M.—
He claims it’s not adultery,
It’s “illness,” “neurochemistry,”
But pardon me, that’s splitting hairs
(And heaven knows he’s trimmed all them!)

He’s joined the twelve-step fellowship,
But still he takes his pixel trip,
And every “slip” means Netflix nights
And zero marital bliss—
For when his “sobriety” does fail,
Our romance goes completely stale,
And I get none of his attention—
He’s too busy cleaning… his browser history.

So AIBU to pack my bag?
To drop the mouse and wave the flag?
Perhaps not cruel, but commonsense,
When love’s been cached away—
For though he swears he’ll one day stop,
And keep his cursor from the top,
I think I’ll leave him to his laptop…
And log out while I may! 🎵

Good luck OP (from the human.)

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