To think “office culture” is just peer pressure with a payslip?

[QuietRebelNewt]

The after-work drinks, the “team bonding”, the forced birthdays - it’s all social compliance disguised as community. AIBU to think introverts and quiet workers after often penalised just for opting out?

This does resonate with my I must admit!

Agreed! I’ve been thinking about this today actually. I’m very happy to opt out though.

I have been stressing about the Xmas lunch and worrying that if I dont go it will be frowned upon. but I hate the socialising and faux camaraderie. I am not good at it and I am sure I am not fooling anyone. I like my job. I just want to go in and do my job!

I recently turned down a posh work do, I wouldn’t have dared years ago. I’m one of life’s introverts and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I like my colleagues, I can chat happily to any of them at work, but in large group social situations I freeze.

Not all workplaces are like that. Mine certainly isn't.

I’ve never experienced that and I’m introverted also. Forced birthdays would be a nightmare!?

I can understand some people not wanting to socialise,and things might be different now,but I know for a fact that back in the day when I was a graduate going to social events meant I met lots of the senior people and clients and I am sure that had a lot to do with me getting promoted earlier than my colleague who never went to anything

I once amused a manager who was gong round asking people if they would like to come on the Christmas works outing. I just replied ‘no thank you’ immediately, with no explanation whatsoever. Luckily she thought it was funny.
I want to socialise with friends, not colleagues.

I am sure that it was. That's basically the point of those things.

My workplace is ridiculous - management who police social time outside of work hours because of the ‘perception’ of different roles socialising outside of the office, but raised eyebrows and questions if you don’t attend the Christmas party. I hate it!

I'm a fairly sociable person myself but I agree, forced socialising is the worst. I'm lucky my organisation is not really like that.

That said I agree with PP that socialising can lead to great things, I recently got the equivalent of a major promotion that really was all down to an interesting conversation at a social event. I used to dread work events as I was always so awkward but I forced myself to go and gradually got better at it, so if you do want to advance at work it's worth pushing yourself.

“peer pressure with a payslip” made me laugh - I guess it depends on largely upon where you work!

Sounds awful! Particularly the expectation that certain roles should not socialise together. Would love to know what sector you work in. It’s quite shocking to hear this attitude persists

I work in a sales based industry and “dress up theme days” make me feel violently ill.

“We’re gonna dress up like it’s the 80s!” Are we? Why?

“It’s Halloween, let’s wear costumes!” Let’s not.

“Today it’s a beach theme!” It isn’t.

“Friday drinks on Teams!” I’m in my own home. I’d rather log off and do the ironing.

Since I moved into management I have genuinely never forced fun upon anyone. I find out what is actually fun for them, and… do that. It was jigsaws last year. This year, quizzes. Christmas event happens in work time, we all have families to get to, and nobody has ever been made to dress up.

I’ve been self-employed for years and sometimes shudder remembering the socials I had to go through when working in an office.

At my first Christmas party for one company I walked in behind the revered director and his very elegant wife, and overheard him say “Promise me two things - you won’t sing and you won’t call me a c*nt”.

It was terrifying…

And that’s why it’s so uncomfortable…

It’s the enforced ‘you’ve got to join a network’ thing that irritates me. I can’t just go to work and do my job. I’ve got to show allyship (horrid word!) with one of the employee networks, of which we have:

Gender
Sexuality
Mens rights
Womens rights
Disability
army veterans
Ethnic minority
Neuro Diversity

There will be some I’ve forgotten. I’m pleased for people who are celebrating a religious festival, I’ll be cognisant of someone’s neurodivergence or disability, I’ll respect a veteran, I’ll not discriminate against anyone because of who you are but please save me from black history month / menopause awareness day / PTSD in the military awareness / mens mental health. I work in an office doing IT. Leave me alone to do IT. I don’t want to ‘bring my whole self to work’ thanks, I want to do my job and go home.

I dont see an issue they events people go to where i work i have been to a couple but dont go to most that is my choice, I can go if I want but choose not too i have zero issue with them being on

Ha, my workplace has lots of 'fun' socials but luckily there's no real pressure or expectation to attend. My immediate team is just 5 of us and we get on really well, and none of us are into the activities. From time to time our boss floats the idea of doing something fun as a team after our quarterly meetings (we are all remote), then looks at our faces and books a nice restaurant instead!

Already two people who’ve said how they got promoted for impressing at socials meanwhile I don’t go to a Christmas meal because I think whoever sits next to me is disappointed and I don’t want to ruin anyone’s night.

Do you really think that would be the case or are you catastrophising a bit? Even if you didn't have the most amazing conversations you would hardly ruin their night. The more you go to these things, the easier it gets.
But I get it, I've skipped lots of things out of worry. It's only worth pushing yourself if you think it will be worth it somehow.

I’m an introvert but I love all the social stuff

I think the key is always to make it optional. Nobody owns your time outside work. Some of these posts are hilarious and some are sad.

Last year I was asked by a colleague why I wasn’t going to the Christmas dinner (not in a pressured way, more just “oh go on, it’ll be fun!”), and I just said “I don’t want to”

My workplace is fairly good though; two of the key things which are emphasised in our “values statement” are “togetherness” and “no egos”; there are lots of social things but no pressure to attend (and they’re quite varied - football, board games nights, rock climbing for example, plus sometimes they’ll just provide breakfast/lunch in the office so people can sit and chat for a bit). I go to the odd thing and it’s always fun.

I think it’s good for newer people to mix a bit with the old timers just to learn from their experience, and for those who’ve been there longer to be exposed to fresh thinking. I love working from home but there’s definitely a place for being in the office to make connections.

I am an introvert too but honestly if people have this kind of attitude maybe a career in an office role isn’t for you? I think it’s perfectly understandable for a business to want to build a culture where people enjoy each other’s company, bond a bit outside of work, and participate in paid for social activities and see these as the perk that they are.

My role involves getting people involved in “side of desk” activities, and honestly, the people that get involved are generally also way better at their jobs! They are dynamic and enthusiastic.

If you’re such a recluse that you would prefer to never see anyone/talk to anyone outside of a strictly professional setting then perhaps you should be a sole trader or some other job that doesn’t require a “work culture”?. No private enterprise owes you a job!

Like it or lump it in my opinion!