Feeling drained having to parent with my ex. Has anyone else been here?

[purpleflowergirl]

My ex and I split up four years ago and I do about 90% (probably more) of the childcare for our daughter. I’m just so worn down by how controlling and unhelpful he is.

He refuses to pay towards things like birthday parties because he says they’re “spoiling” her. If I ever ask him to have her so I can make plans, I have to check with him first, but he never does the same for me. It’s always “I can’t, I’m going out,” and that’s the end of it.

I do everything: doctors, opticians, dentist, school calls when she’s ill, A&E trips, all the holidays. He never says thank you or even acknowledges it. Today she fell at school and I had to take her to A&E. I FaceTimed him afterwards to tell him, and he then texted to say I should have told him immediately. It’s always about what I’ve supposedly done wrong.

A while back I set up a shared calendar to try to keep things simple. Before that, I’d asked him to have her so I could go out, and he said yes, but because I forgot to add it to the calendar, he later refused and said he “wouldn’t be honouring” it. Now he says unless he agrees to what I put in, it doesn’t count. Meanwhile, he adds his own nights out or trips abroad with no discussion.

He also refuses to take her to birthday parties I’ve RSVP’d to, even though they’re on the calendar and the school WhatsApp group. This weekend she’s got two parties she’s really looking forward to, and he’s refusing because I “didn’t agree them” with him first.

Every time I try to stand up for myself, he calls me “mental” or “a lunatic.” I even had to give up full-time work because I just couldn’t juggle it all on my own and now work part-time. Meanwhile, he works around the country and just expects me to drop everything for him, pleading that “he has rights too.”

I just feel completely controlled and exhausted. I can’t afford to go through court, I’ve got hardly any other support, and I’m covering all the childcare myself even though he pays £300 a month maintenance.

I honestly feel like I’m being worn down by it all. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you manage to set boundaries or get some balance without it turning into constant conflict?
It feels like it’s coercive abuse but I am powerless to stop it. (He was like this in our relationship too)

Go to court to get a CAO in place for very specific access arrangements, handover places etc. it will also allow you to travel for holidays etc I would stop trying to negotiate with him, he’s using it to control you.

300 is that agreed between you? Or is this via CMS?

Thank You for your reply. £300 was agreed when we split four years ago and was worked out on his current wage.

Yes I agree with the other poster. CMS, communication app and court agreed childcare arrangement.

You need to stop viewing him as what you view as a father and start viewing him as the inconsistent, controlling toad of a man he is.

Reduce your expectations to zero, I’m sure he will still find ways to disappoint you but honestly you are looking at him as having the potential to be a rational, reasonable person and he isn’t one so don’t treat him as one.

Go to court and do 50/50 parenting, he can’t get out of it then!

@BrendaSmallhe wouldn’t be able to ever do 50:50 parenting because of his job.

@Whatabouterytouterythank you for such an incredible reply! I might change his name to controlling toad in my contacts.

90% of the time I have always been considerate and tried to make it fair. He constantly tells me I’m controlling (which I’ve never been, other than sometimes putting my foot down when my daughter was a baby and he would cancel plans last minute, or demand to see her)! I’ve let him have her for as long as he wants, but this year alone he’s never had her for more than three nights, not taken her on holiday for over three years, and has made no effort to book school holidays off and I don’t complain YET he still finds every tiny thing to criticise me. I know I will never get my answers, but just don’t get why he’s like this.

@purpleflowergirl 50/50 doesn’t work for many parents and it means you won’t get CMS money. Never agree to that. 5 nights with him out of 14 is a fairly standard agreement. Would he do that? Think carefully about how much you actually want her with this man.

If you aren’t married you can still ask for a court agreement that’s going to be adhered to. Do you give permission for dd to go abroad with him? Check that out too. I assume he’s on the birth cert?

CAO now. See a solicitor. Then it’s enforced that it’s EOW or 70/30 or whatever reflects the right amount. You can be really specific in the CAO too about handovers, communication etc.

As other posts say lower your expectations. You can't change anyone's behavior and it will just cause you never ending stress. My ex was so utterly unreasonable and unreliable,letting his children down at the drop of a hat and in turn I couldn't make any concrete plans.
Going to court wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference.
Look at what you can do to make life easier and take away his power.
Get to know your daughter's friend's parent's and help each other out ,this has been a godsend for me, we have the odd sleepover and it's the only way I could get a night off! Look at childcare options, breakfast clubs, after school clubs and childminders. You may be able to claim some costs back through universal credit.
It will get easier as your daughter gets older and communicates directly with him and is less reliant on you maintaining the relationship.

The problem with this, for OP, is that it won’t actually help practically whatsoever.

You can go to court, you can get it written and agreed that he will do EOW, but all that actually means in practice is that OP has to make the kids available for contact at those times. It does nothing at all to force him to show up and actually take the kids, he can still cancel/not turn up/change his mind, no court is ever going to be able to do anything to actually force him to be a parent.

The only real benefit of formalising an agreement here for OP would be that if you get something formal, and he fails to show up, get your evidence and you can then apply for further CMS to reflect the fact he is doing less.

@Holshicupthis is exactly it! With all the best will in the world, I’m not sure going to court will make any difference. It’s the controlling abuse I find insane. I genuinely feel like he mental health issues. For a few months it can work well, but then it goes to shit. He did used to drink a lot, so I wonder if he’s started drinking again?

@Holshicupwhat it will enforce is communication via an app for example. If he doesn’t turn up for handover then he doesn’t turn up! CAO or not, makes no difference to that but what it does do is records and agrees it so if he breaks it OP can record that. Right now nothing is holding him to account, and OP doesn’t seem to be able to enforce boundaries. A CAO provides boundaries.

The court isn’t going to hold him to account either. If he breaks it then he breaks it, the court isn’t going to force him to parent his child or punish him for failing to.

It all sounds very familiar @purpleflowergirl
Alcohol is the route cause of all our issues. I would get so frustrated and angry on my daughters behalf, until it dawned on me that me being stressed affected them too.
Now I try to have a plan b, try to not show the slightest reaction, keep communication to a absolute minimum.
Is the joint calendar working for you ?
If not scrap it ,go back to email that you only check when suits you or something you can just block if you need to.
It does get easier and by the time your daughter is a teenager he might regret not stepping up when she decides she has other places she would rather be.
Good luck

He sounds exactly like my ex. Everything is a battle, it's exhausting.

How I have found some semblance of peace is to live as though I am a lone parent. I never make plans that rely on him. If I want to do something or need to do extra work, I find child care elsewhere. I won't give him the power to let me down. When he did hold up his end he would use his 'helpfulness' against me which was just as bad.

I don't tell our child about visits until they are 100% confirmed.

I am very careful about what I share with him. If I know it will trigger an outburst from him and whatever has happened has no major lasting effects on our child - it's not worth sharing.

Finally, I really recommend using AI to help with responding to messages. I really struggled to not react or defend myself but doing so only fueled the fire. Now I feed tricky interactions into AI and it gives me grey rock responses and I've found it to be quite reassuring!

It's really hard but you have to protect your peace. You can't change him so you have to change how you approach the situation unfortunately.

@Holshicupthis is the thing. With all the best will in the world his behaviour really triggers me! I was having a nice chilled afternoon with daughter and then his messages got me so stressed I became snappy and even said ‘ your dad can be so horrible sometimes.’ I know it’s not ideal parenting and I did explain afterwards!

I am going through something similar, my daughter is five. He is more hands on than your ex but refuses to pay any maintenance and is self employed so gets away with it. CMS arrears are over £5000. He is very controlling and kicks off if I ever dare to call him out or say no. It is so exhausting. I am hoping in a few years I won't have to communicate with him as much because at the moment I dread every single message. It's awful. I'm so sorry you are going through this too.

@Rainbowchickensending love and solidarity! It’s so exhausting and triggering! I try to be the bigger person but sometimes I have to calm him out as I’m so baffled by his behaviour

I have a similar situation with my ex. He won’t agree to any consistent pattern of contact with his kids and moved far away.

I do the same as weejit. I make plans that suit me without any input or involvement from him. And when he decides he’s going to pop back and visit his kids at a weekend, he only gets to see them if the kids are actually free and it fits in around my plans. For example, If I’ve arranged for my mum to watch the kids so I can do something, he doesn’t get to see them because my mum won’t deal with him/facilitate a handover. Or if the kids have a birthday party or a play date, he would need to agree to pick them up or drop them off, otherwise he’ll not see them.

he doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his way. He seems to think that he should be able to say “I’m coming back to x town this weekend and want to see the kids” and I’ll just bend over backwards to suit him…..but I don’t. You do have to push back and enforce some boundaries some times. I know it’s not easy! I get nervous every time I have to push back with my ex because I know he’ll try to get a confrontation going over it. But it need to be done.

Take him to court, you're more protected that way. Do it for your sake and your child's sake

He sounds like he has a personality disorder - the gaslighting, need for control, projection, etc. Don't try to figure out why he is the way he is. It has nothing to do with you, and doesn't matter anyway. He is not going to change. You can only figure out how to make this easier on you and your child. Get a Child Arrangements Order so there are formal arrangements in place, a co-parenting app so that everything is recorded, and do not get drawn into his desire to manufacture conflict. Good luck.

Figure out a standard response to his messages. Short. Innocuous. Something that says nothing. “Noted” is useful. Make that your own Standard Operating Response.

Organise CMS. Don’t tell him. He will shout at you and you can save yourself the earbashing. Just do it. He will shout then too. Just reply “noted”.

If he says “I will pick dd up on Saturday morning, reply “very well. She will be available from 9.30-10.30 unless you would prefer another time. Please advise.” After that, go out. He prefers to have you dance to his tune. Don’t. If he shouts at you just say “noted. I had an appointment”. Don’t bite back.

Go to court. Present to the judge a contact plan that is reasonable, doable and covers all eventualities. Contact commences from school pickup or 5 pm on school holidays. Contact ceases at drop off or 8 am on holidays. Transport is done by x in this direction, y in that direction. Child is with me for her birthday. Child is with me for my birthday. Child is with me for Mother’s Day. (Don’t mention his birthday or Father’s Day). Christmas is (make it good for you within appearing unreasonable). All discussion is to be maintained via parenting app A. Notice of alterations is to be no later than 12/24/36 hours- whatever.

Childcare arrangements are to be - whatever you want that isn’t too detrimental to you financially. Holiday arrangements need a longer block of time so get that written in. Taking a child overseas may need his permission. Get that written into the order. Passport needs to reside with you.

Do all that. However, don’t expect him to keep to his side of the arrangements. What it does do is give you certainty over your side. He can say “I want”. You can say “no, court order says …”.

The judge will have seen it all before. Make it easy for him/her and you will likely get what you want.

CMS and COA as soon as possible. Also one of those apps to arrange contact. I would also ditch that shared calendar straight away - he's using it to take advantage of you.

Good luck!

Stop being considerate. Document nights at yours and go through cms. If you are able, simply say she has two parties she’d like to go to. I know she misses out on a lot when she’s with you, two parties in one day is a big deal, I’ll be keeping her this weekend.
he will get enraged. Respond I won’t be responding to these, you never take her to parties, she doesn’t want to miss two. Next time there’s one event on your weekend we will see if you can take her, but it’s never happened before and I won’t test it this weekend. I’m muting and I will check messages again next week. You cancel on me all the time for your own benefit, I am putting our daughter first.

Detach detach detach. Changing his name in your phone to controlling toad is a good idea! Maybe Colin the controlling toad so Colin pops up and it’s less obvious to your daughter . But of course he will mostly be muted from now on when she’s with you so that won’t be an issue :) he can take you to court but that won’t go well for him.

This!
You do need to Stop expecting him to do stuff like take her to birthday parties etc on “his” time without agreeing it with him! If he asks to have her and she already has plans (the party) then you say “Sorry we are busy until whatever time the party ends. Would you like her then?”
If he asks what the plans are you do not respond. It’s none of his business and he doesn’t get to decide if your plans or his are more important. It’s first come first serve.
Stop relying on him or using him as a babysitter and only let him see her when you have no other plans.