Feeling drained having to parent with my ex. Has anyone else been here?

[purpleflowergirl]

My ex and I split up four years ago and I do about 90% (probably more) of the childcare for our daughter. I’m just so worn down by how controlling and unhelpful he is.

He refuses to pay towards things like birthday parties because he says they’re “spoiling” her. If I ever ask him to have her so I can make plans, I have to check with him first, but he never does the same for me. It’s always “I can’t, I’m going out,” and that’s the end of it.

I do everything: doctors, opticians, dentist, school calls when she’s ill, A&E trips, all the holidays. He never says thank you or even acknowledges it. Today she fell at school and I had to take her to A&E. I FaceTimed him afterwards to tell him, and he then texted to say I should have told him immediately. It’s always about what I’ve supposedly done wrong.

A while back I set up a shared calendar to try to keep things simple. Before that, I’d asked him to have her so I could go out, and he said yes, but because I forgot to add it to the calendar, he later refused and said he “wouldn’t be honouring” it. Now he says unless he agrees to what I put in, it doesn’t count. Meanwhile, he adds his own nights out or trips abroad with no discussion.

He also refuses to take her to birthday parties I’ve RSVP’d to, even though they’re on the calendar and the school WhatsApp group. This weekend she’s got two parties she’s really looking forward to, and he’s refusing because I “didn’t agree them” with him first.

Every time I try to stand up for myself, he calls me “mental” or “a lunatic.” I even had to give up full-time work because I just couldn’t juggle it all on my own and now work part-time. Meanwhile, he works around the country and just expects me to drop everything for him, pleading that “he has rights too.”

I just feel completely controlled and exhausted. I can’t afford to go through court, I’ve got hardly any other support, and I’m covering all the childcare myself even though he pays £300 a month maintenance.

I honestly feel like I’m being worn down by it all. Has anyone been through something similar? How did you manage to set boundaries or get some balance without it turning into constant conflict?
It feels like it’s coercive abuse but I am powerless to stop it. (He was like this in our relationship too)

@SullysBabyMamai did agree it with him a month ago via text. This is my problem. It doesn’t matter how good my communication is, he just makes up his own rules!

@SullysBabyMamai guess you’re right! I will start acting like her does to me! And grey rock!

This could be me! It’s pretty much exactly what I’m dealing with. I don’t know what to say but it’s a constant battle and it’s incredibly tough.

My ex says the 300 a month (for two children) should cover everything, birthdays, after school clubs, any other activities, clothes etc, Christmas presents and birthday presents. I’m expected to buy them all.

If he ‘helps’ during the school holidays (never more than 2 days), he’ll not see them for a few weeks to take back ‘his time’

I have to beg him to come to school events like sportsday or if they are in a show, and have to remind him about 10 times and most of the time won’t bother.

It’s relentless. He’s now in a new relationship and is even worse! He was abusive and controlling which is why I left, so it’s just a continuation. My youngest has been having some serious issues lately and he’s not remotely interested.

Oh and he’s never once done a school run or pick up!

Why do you beg him though? why do you want him to go to school events? I’m not asking that to be unkind, I’m pointing out that you are giving him power over you, turn off the tap.

Let your kids see what he is really like don’t mask things for them by creating a pretence that he is interested because they will find that confusing.

Tell him when things are on and let him choose. I lived with my parents and they never went to school events, they weren’t particularly interested in real parenting, not all parents are. Some parents are extremely self centred and narcissistic. Eventually kids figure it out. It might be painful but at least they aren’t breaking themselves to try to please a useless toad.

OP I know you said you don’t see the point of court, but one of the things it can help you do is find your voice. When you take someone to court who has threatened and belittled for years, and you’ve ‘accepted’ it for years, they think they have the upper hand and they can call all the shots. When you take them to court and they realise that they can’t control a judge, the tables turn.

It really did work for me. We spend our lives being told to ignore bullies but sometimes you really do have to keep escalating it to put them in their box.

Solicitors are expensive. I used a McKenzie Friend which was cheaper.

I've been there. It was demoralising and brutal and lonely and I really do feel for you. And people don't get it unless they've been there, so I'm sending a virtual 🫂.
The way I learned to deal with it was to expect nothing from him, and not to engage any more than was absolutely necessary. I built up a good support network with friends (have very little family and nobody local) and if I wanted to go out I'd arrange for them to babysit. That prevented the anxious 'will he turn up' leading to the inevitable 'oh fuck what do I do now', plus two upset children (because they knew I was angry).
Basically it's about taking power away from the ex. Yes the situation is not fair but it's 100 times better for your mental health if you can be mistress of your own destiny.

Stop expecting him to be a decent dad: it ain’t gonna happen.
You need to yellow rock his responses rather than grey. Grey is seen as unreasonable.
How old is your DC? What do they want?

How does he behave to your daughter when he is with her? Is he controlling and manipulative to her too?

Document everything, where safe with evidence.

He’s a dick, but you can’t be booking your DC into parties etc on his parenting time.

If his contact time is Saturday and you get a party invite for that day you say “thanks for the invitation, but DC is with their dad that day, here’s his number for you to forward the invitation to and he’ll have to let you know if they can make it or not.”

Then if your DC says “am I going to the party?” you have to say “you’re with your dad that day so you’ll need to ask him”

That aside, he’s an arse. Go to CMS with accurate dates of when he’s actually had your DC, and communicate via a parenting app so all discussions are logged there for the court if needed.

This is going to sound really harsh but stop trying to parent with him, he doesn’t want to parent with you. Negotiating with him, managing all the admin for his time with your DD, etc is just handing him the control he craves and perpetuating the dynamic.

Go to court, get access agreed and then stick to those times. If he doesn’t turn up, he misses out - he doesn’t have the right to see his child whenever he fancies it and no judge would agree that.

Get CMS to calculate and enforce maintenance, only message him when absolutely necessary and add all school events to the shared calendar. He’s a grown man with a proper job, he can check the calendar and sort himself out. Even better, get the school to notify him as well as you.

He has shown he can’t be reasonable so don’t waste your energy.

@WelshRabBitewith all respect, I deal with invites and let him know as far in advance as I can that I’ve accepted the invites. He never once has said anything, but waits until two days before said party to say he’s not going. We don’t have a specific contact plan, it’s as and when he wants to see his daughter and his work allows! Ultimately, why should this man get away with not having to take his child to birthday parties she loves going to and enjoys because he is selfish? Why are women in these situations always expected to be reasonable to controlling and abusive men! My daughter is my priority and her happiness comes first, not the feelings of a part time dad, who is controlling and does NOTHING to make my life as the default parent easier. His life has barely changed since having our daughter, my life has changed. I’ve had to give up my career - yet he carries on as normal. He is on all school correspondence, but he is disorganised, chaotic and quite frankly and embarrassment of a man.

My parents weren’t interested either and perhaps that’s why I want my children to have a different experience.
It builds their confidence, seeing their parents showing up for them, so I do it for them. I don’t care if it’s an illusion, I want to protect them from the harsh reality of what a useless parent he is.

I agree! I tried all sorts of ways to reach an agreement, including six months of mediation. They were all platforms for further abuse and got nowhere. Courts and judges do not have patience with these tactics, and will cut to the chase. It proved transformative for my situation. Admittedly expensive but I would do it again, if I had to. I should have gone to court straight away.

If she’s your priority, keep her for the weekend and take her to the parties.

Nobody is suggesting it is fair, just that all the justifiable rage you feel is not going to make him a different person. Nobody is asking or expecting you to be reasonable to an abusive man. Folks are just advising you to
accept that he isn't going to miraculously see the error of his ways and be reasonable. All you can do is deal with what you have, and do what you can to mitigate the impact on yourself and your child. Get a court order - that is the only authority he will respond to, stick to the division of time, do the best you can for your child when she is with you. Ratchet down your expectations of him as a co-parent during his time with your daughter.

You need to set boundaries and put things in place to strengthen your position. Because he will continue to try to control any aspect he can, and remember it will always be what he wants and never about your daughter.
-gp- get into therapy. Go into open and you will build coping mechanisms, insight and strength.

• use a coparenting app. Appclose was free but I think they're now making you pay too, Our Family Wizard is great and if you are on any benefits you can get it for free. Tell him from X date that you will only communicate that way, block him on everytbing else.

-you need a child arrangements order in court. It needs to be tight wjth dates abd times

• go to CMS so they can reassess every year and it is one less argument for you!
• look at grey rocking and BIFF. Stick to this format for communication and it will help massively.

-no more responding to parties. On his time it is his responsibility to respond and plan. He likely won't bother, so your response needs to be ' that's you weekend with daddy so he has to make that decision', I say the same thing to tbe other parents. Unfortunately your daughter will likely miss out, but it again only helps her to see in te future that her dad isn't interested in her.

• he isn't really a parent, lower your expectations as he isn't you. He's a babysitter, who if you had actually paid for his services you would have fired by now.

Awful having to deal with men of this type, awful to see how kids suffer abd miss out because of the selfish antics of their dad, but unfortunately by putting boundaries in place you are teaching your child how to also do that which is hugely important.

I had an abusive ex I had two kids with. It was a nightmare at first. The first thing I did was change the locks as he always use to walk in like he owned the house. We agreed set days each week, he did Friday after school till Saturday after tea and Tuesday after school and overnight. After awhile we switched to eow.
We only swapped for special occasions (like our birthdays) He could be an arse about it, they were bridesmaids in my friend’s wedding and it fell on his day he insisted on picking then up at 6pm. Another time he refused to bring them early on Mother’s Day.
I bas ically never committed to anything on his days. If there was a party invite I’d pass it on to him and left him to it (he never took them) They wanted to do cheerleading classes and it was literally a two min walk from his house and he never took them.

it’s hard but ultimately he was the one screwing up his relationship with his kids. I never slated him to them but I was honest when they had to miss something. I’d just say, it’s daddy’s weekend it’s up to him if you go.
It got gradually easier as they got older and started to manage their own stuff more. But they are not close to him as adults.