AIBU to have had enough of my mother?

[TooOldforThisSh1t3]

I’ve never had a good relationship with my mum (alcoholic/ bad childhood/ not interested in me or my children). I’m now 36.

Two years ago, my DF passed away, and since then she’s been lonely. I have sympathy for this. Myself and DH have supported her a lot in many ways, and she has been helpful looking after our pets if we go away.

Because of this she has a key to our house. For the last year, things have got worse. She will turn up unannounced any day of the week (even though I’ve repeated asked her to let me know if shes planning to come over). She lets herself in, and sits drinking at our kitchen table until whatever time of the night she feels like leaving - sometimes 9pm! The kids (teenagers) don’t like being around her, so hide in their bedrooms. Last week, it was 3 days in a row!

It doesn’t matter if I say to her that I have to go out, or I’m busy, running around cooking dinner or helping the kids upstairs with homework etc - she will just sit here. My DH mentioned to her last week that we don’t seem to be able to get rid of her at the moment, and she just laughed and turned up again the next day.

Sometimes if I’m busy, she cries and says she feels like I don’t want her there. She can be very narcissistic and manipulates lots of situations so people always feel sorry for her.

Working part-time, carer for my DH, teenagers, dogs, house etc. My life is so busy, and even though my mum (62) works full-time, she also has health issues that I help her with. I’m drained.

YABU - suck it up, she’s lonely and you need to just deal with it to not hurt her feelings
YANBU - she needs to understand boundaries and that you have your own life that she makes difficult by constantly encroaching in our space.

if YANBU, any suggestions of how to deal with this? Thank you!!

Just to add, we have a ring doorbell, and we all have started to dread it saying that someone it at the front door.
If she turns up and I’m not in, she will ring me questioning where I am and why I’m not at home because she’s come over to see us.

Honestly have considered going out every day at the time she normally turns up, but she now sometimes goes to the pub first and will turn up an hour later than normal 🤯

Change the locks if you can't talk to her and make her understand that less is more..

Blimey! I would 100% change the locks - tell her you lost the key (to save an argument) and that actually you don't want anyone to have the key other than family as it's not really convenient to have people turning up unannounced, so no new key for her.

Think of it this way - who would you rather make happy - your kids, or her?

I would also think of a set phrase to repeat on a loop, eg "sorry mum, today is not convenient, how about a week next Tuesday?"

Take the key off her and start sending her home when it's not a good time.

that sounds very difficult but detrimental to your family life and therefore not ok.

Has your DM had any grief counselling? She sounds very lonely and desperate enough to keep coming despite knowing that she’s not welcome. If you don’t address it she could get even worse.

Unfortunately you have to have a kind but firm word and set whatever boundary you feel you can both cope with. So maybe she comes for supper once a week, comes for a cuppa once a week and no drinking? If the boundary is broken then the consequence has to be followed through.

Worst case scenario is removing her key/ changing the lock and ignoring the doorbell which would be heartbreaking for all of you. So coming from a compassionate place but this is unsustainable and likely to get worse.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your mother's behaviour is unacceptable.

It's not fair on you or your family that she is behaving like this and completely unacceptable that your children have to be in her company when she has been drinking. She is being incredibly selfish.

Perhaps a serious talk with her when she hasn't been drinking might help, but I suspect you have already tried and failed with this strategy.

Given the effect this is having on you (it's totally unacceptable that you should have to stay away from your own home) and your family, I think you need to take drastic action and tell her that she is no longer welcome until she can respect you, your family and your home.

Honestly, it sounds like youve just been hinting to her that its too much rather than having a straight up conversation

And tbh she sounds very lonely and like she is reaching out for help

This is the reality of your mum getting older. It sounds like although you arent her biggest fan, you have a relationship. And she is feeling hurt by you not wanting her around.

What can be done to improve things, so she isnt lonely? xx

She won't be the only one living alone if you don't crack this. Your dh and dc will be fleeing for The Hills before long imo. Take her key. Keep the blinds shut. And practice being quiet!

Tell her to go to AA if she’s lonely a not your house

I mean, you could just agree with her next time she says you don't want her around. It's true and you don't get on with her anyways. She sounds dreadful, invading your house to binge drink and scaring the children.

I’m so ashamed to admit this, but my DDs birthday this year, she stayed upstairs the whole night and my mum wouldn’t get the hint to leave. She ended up going at 9pm, my DD and DS then came down so we could do her bday cake 😞.

I keep trying to explain to my DH that growing up with an alcoholic and abusive mum has resulted in me being scared to rock the boat with her.

My Dsis has moved away and pretty much written her off, so it’s just me left to take all the shit.

I need to find the right words to be strong with her. Last thursday, she turned up at 12pm, and was still sitting here drinking at 2:30pm - I was pretty strong and said “Right, I really have to go food shopping and I’m leaving here in 10 mins”. She said ok and drank up quickly, but I could tell she was hurt. I haven’t heard from her since, and I’m enjoying the peace but still nervous every time the door goes!

Also, thank you all for your comments so far! X

Be honest with her. If she says you don't want her there don't try and soothe her, tell her she is there too much and you want her to leave.

I think you need to have a very clear conversation with her that just ‘dropping in’ is interfering with family life and you need more structure and planning. I’d agree with here one day per week where she can come round - and only that day (assuming you are ok with one day). Ask her for her key to ensure the new regime is followed. If she refuses I’d change the locks and say you are still only available Thursday (for example) evenings. Or she might agree but still come round more often. When she comes round at times other than agreed, I’d literally leave her on the doorstep and restate that you are only available on Thursdays and come back then and close the door.

Your sister has the right idea, she has her boundaries and has enforced them.

Your mother is not only making her own life a misery, (who wants to hang out with a drinker all day every day?), but 5 other people's lives difficult and miserable too.

There is no contract, moral or legal, than states that you have to entertain your mother when she is lonely.

You are choosing to take in this role in her life, she now has the benefit of everyone tiptoeing around her in case she "gets lonely".

You may have been parentified and designated as the person to mind your mother, but you do have a life of your own to lead.

This situation is not working for you, your family and if she's honest your mother too. Time for a change.

I would 100% change the locks - tell her you lost the key (to save an argument) and that actually you don't want anyone to have the key other than family

This is a good idea, OP. It would be a bit challenging to ask her to stop turning up, so this sounds like one of the nearest thing to do. Hopefully, she'll get the hint.

I do understand that she is lonely but you can't be responsible for being her entertainment or for filling the time she doesn't know what to do with. She needs to address that herself.

JFC OP! Your poor DD! Your DC are also being taught really poor boundaries by you not putting some in place.

Don’t make excuses to her, just tell her the truth and tell her what the new rules are, tell your DC what they are so they also feel ok about enforcing them.

You have hard and soft choices. You either go down the change the locks or plan to move away and cut her off. Or you tell her bluntly she cannot come over anymore, that your children and DH come first and her coming over and sitting drinking is not acceptable.
Yes it's sad and she is obviously struggling but that is not for you to fix by her ruining your family life.
There is no gentle hinting here she won't change. Personally I would be looking to move and not leave a forwarding address.

When you say drinking, tea, coffee, alcohol @TooOldforThisSh1t3 ?

Stay strong.. When my dm flounced I left her to it.
For 10 years!
Currently been 13 years plus since I've seen her.
Won't be going back for more.

Boundaries, op. As in, set some. Take the key back and tell her why, or change the locks. Either way talk to her and tell her to stop coming round when she feels like it. Don’t just passively put up with it!

I know this is hard. You've been programmed growing up to keep the peace - that is what children of alcoholics do 😔 can you ask your DH to back you and be there when you speak to her? You need to do this for your children - keep in mind this is for them.

I would say something like 'Mum, I love you but you can't keep doing this. Your drinking is a problem and I think you need to get some help with it. I am happy to go to the GP with you or find out some information about AA. But you can't keep coming here day after day - we need to have family time with the kids in the evening. I'm happy to pop in and have a catch up with you at the weekend. But for now, I need to take your key back and ask you not to come over in the week unless we've pre-arranged it'

Be prepared for her to rage, be nasty and heap emotional blackmail on you. Stay calm and stick to your guns. If she bombards you with calls and messages, you may have to block her on your phone.

Tell your husband and kids that you are doing this and that it's a very difficult thing for you to do. Hopefully they will support you.

Finally, I would look into some counselling for yourself to unpick all the coping behaviours you have had to learn as the child of an alcoholic. It will really help you to talk it all through with someone non-judgemental and neutral.

I appreciate all this is easy to say and difficult to implement. But for the sake of you and your family I hope you can find the strength to do it. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Gin… doesn’t matter what time of day as she always carries a water bottle full of it in her handbag 😞

Thank you all so much for your comments. Just talking it all through with DH who is saying he will back me 100% and I can use him as an excuse if I need to.

I feel every time I try to put boundaries in place, she stomps all over them and I feel 6 years old again. I need to be stronger.

My Dsis and I, other family members and friends have all tried to help with her alcoholism over the years and nothing has worked. She has lost pretty much everything because of this. Everyone else (apart from drinking buddies) have scarpered, which is why I feel this guilt that it’s all on me.

If mother is sitting in the kitchen drinking alcohol for hours on end just ban the booze in your home. It's a terrible example to set for your children.

I'd hide in my bedroom too if granny was sat there getting drunk.

How are you going to handle it if they come home drunk when you condone it in your mother.