AIBU to have had enough of my mother?

[TooOldforThisSh1t3]

I’ve never had a good relationship with my mum (alcoholic/ bad childhood/ not interested in me or my children). I’m now 36.

Two years ago, my DF passed away, and since then she’s been lonely. I have sympathy for this. Myself and DH have supported her a lot in many ways, and she has been helpful looking after our pets if we go away.

Because of this she has a key to our house. For the last year, things have got worse. She will turn up unannounced any day of the week (even though I’ve repeated asked her to let me know if shes planning to come over). She lets herself in, and sits drinking at our kitchen table until whatever time of the night she feels like leaving - sometimes 9pm! The kids (teenagers) don’t like being around her, so hide in their bedrooms. Last week, it was 3 days in a row!

It doesn’t matter if I say to her that I have to go out, or I’m busy, running around cooking dinner or helping the kids upstairs with homework etc - she will just sit here. My DH mentioned to her last week that we don’t seem to be able to get rid of her at the moment, and she just laughed and turned up again the next day.

Sometimes if I’m busy, she cries and says she feels like I don’t want her there. She can be very narcissistic and manipulates lots of situations so people always feel sorry for her.

Working part-time, carer for my DH, teenagers, dogs, house etc. My life is so busy, and even though my mum (62) works full-time, she also has health issues that I help her with. I’m drained.

YABU - suck it up, she’s lonely and you need to just deal with it to not hurt her feelings
YANBU - she needs to understand boundaries and that you have your own life that she makes difficult by constantly encroaching in our space.

if YANBU, any suggestions of how to deal with this? Thank you!!

Also to add, I was pretty much NC with my mum for about 10 years, until my DF died and me and Dsis helped her through. Then 3 months later, Dsis moved over an hour away, whilst I live in the same village

Just because your sister moved away, that doesn't mean you have to go back to having contact with your mother. I can well see why you were NC for so long!

If it helps to clarify your mind on what you should do, from the outside this situation is awful - an alcoholic coming round to a house with kids in it and drinking for hours while they hide upstairs.

Glad to read your update and I hope you can keep up what you plan.

Protecting yourself, I hope also forcing your mum to realise that as an alcoholic she needs to stop drinking.

Come on OP. You’re a parent now. You need to prioritise your kids and their right to a peaceful happy home.

Change the locks
Invite your Mum over for dinner on a set evening.
Go out the other days until she gets sick of trying.
Don’t answer the door or phone at other times until she stops trying.

Prepare a sentence you’re comfortable with and repeat it ad nauseum, eg “Sorry Mum, we can’t do tonight but looking forward to seeing you on Thursday” or whatever.

You need to be much more direct with her. If you struggle to do it for you do it for your children.

You need to put your actual responsibilities as a mother of children before what you think are your responsibilities (but which are not) to your mother.

Focus on that.

And then contact your mum and let her know what can and cannot happen from now on.

Tell her clearly that you will not allow her to sit in your house drinking alcohol or turn up if she’s just been to the pub. She can come round for a meal or chat on X day/days, and you will make her a cup of tea. Water or whatever you have is served at your evening meal.

If she gets out her ‘water’ bottle she will be told to leave immediately.

I would tell her that my children are my priority and they are scared by her drinking and resulting behaviour and that this is stopping right now. If you feel the need, tell her that DH has put his foot down.

Snd then follow through. If she turns up and it’s clear she’s been drinking, turn her away.

My MIL told me years ago that she had to tell her DB in no uncertain terms that if he ever turned up at her house for Sunday lunch, drunk again, she would slam the door in his face. He learned.

What’s she like if you speak to her before she starts drinking?

You're enabling your mom's alcoholism. That needs to stop. Think about the behaviour you want to model for your children.

Change your locks.

You're going to have to set strong boundaries with your mom. Your house is not the local pub and she can't come over and drink every evening. She only can come over when she's invited and no alcohol. If she pulls out a bottle, she's out. And yes, physically if you have to. You might have to go very low contact or no contact.

You might want to go to AlAnon yourself and or individual counseling to see how your mom has affected you and patterns you need to break, like your mom is a grown woman and not your responsibility. Your kids are and you need to do better for them.

@TooOldforThisSh1t3 It sounds like you've taken the first step by telling her you are leaving in 10 minutes then following through. Well done, that must have been hard for you and you clearly felt it given your acknowledgement of her feelings. But that's just it, you and your family come first now. DM needs to fit in with you. It is also great news that your DH will back you 100%.

Now you just need to find a way to take another step forward. Personally I'm not sure I'd tackle the drinking at the same time as the frequency of visits, maybe I'm not that brave either! My MIL drank and was in total denial even when I would find random empty gin bottles stuffed between towels in the bathroom! Maybe tackle the visit frequency, decide your boundaries and then have a chat "Mum I want us to enjoy quality time together but your current visits are too impromptu therefore I'm going to suggest dinner on Wednesday night at 6pm and a cup of team on Sunday morning at 10am". Practice saying "no that doesn't work for me" "I'd prefer to stick to what I suggested" and repeat. Good luck, you won't find this easy but I think you have to put your family first.

I expect she starts when she opens her eyes in the morning.

I hope to god she's not driving