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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son moving away to be with girlfriend - I think its a mistake, should I say this to him?

26 replies

Zara290 · 02/11/2025 20:32

So my son is 22 and has been with his girlfriend for 4 years. We get on pretty well, sometimes our opinions on things differ but she has become part of the family and Ive grown to love her. She comes from a family that is very differrent to ours and her relationship with her Mum has been turbulent, so much so that she pretty much moved out and lived with us for around 18 months. She eventually decided that she would move in with her Dad (who lives almost 3 hours drive away) my son and her would take it in turns to go to each others house each weekend but the traveling was becoming alot. My son has always been family orientated and as a family we have always been close. My Dad passed away a few months back and it really took a toll on him, they had been in discussions about moving in together and she was adament she didnt want to move away from her Dad, my son felt the same, he wanted to be close to us. In the end my son came to the conclusion that they needed to compromise by living somewhere inbetween (so around 1.5 hours away) she kind of agreed to this, however I had a feeling she wasnt happy ......anyway fast forward, my son has finished his degree and also gave up his job that he had been doing since he was 15 (it was never a long term job) and had been looking for a job that would start of his career following uni. I tried to encourage him to use this time to look for his next steps, there was no rush, he doesnt need to pay rent he could even get an internship if he wanted to get his foot in the door, he has savings (basically he will never be in this position of freedom again) so take advantage of it. A few days later he got a phonecall from his girlfriends Dad saying the company he works for is looking for someone if he is interested - the job is quite labour intensive (the degree he was doing wasnt!) And In all honesty I dont think its a job he is going to want to be doing forever. He asked my opinion on what he should do and I kind of said to him to give it a try if thats what he wanted (I regret this now but Ive really tried to let him make his own decisions as my parents were always quite pushy) he could always just do it for a month or two whilst at these cross roads.....Anyway fast forward 3 months and they are buying a house mear her Dads now and it seems he has "settled" for this job. They come back every 2 weeks and he just looks knackered, he said he is doing 60 hour weeks.

Ive got this knot in my stomach thats telling me he is making a big mistake. Aside from the fact that he is moving so far away from us all, he is no longer doing anything that relates to his university degree and will be stuck in this job because he has a mortgage to pay.

Do I say something or keep my mouth closed?

OP posts:

Brightbluesomething · 02/11/2025 20:36

He asked for your advice before and you gave it. Let him live his life and learn for himself. Plenty of people have a different career to the subject they studied at Uni.

redskydelight · 02/11/2025 20:37

There is absolutely no reason why he can't look for another job. It sounds like he's only been doing the job for 3 months? Loads of recent graduates are in the same position as him - looking for the job that follows on from their degree whilst doing "any job".

Can I suggest that the knot in your stomach is due to the fact that you have thus far thought he was "trying out" the new life, but buying a house means that he has definitely decided that he will be moving away and you are going to miss him?

Original poster

Zara290 · 02/11/2025 21:01

Absolutely I understand some people end up with careers that dont relate to their degree, my worry for him is he is now going to be stuck in this job ( this was one of his worries too) not having the financial freedom to be able to take these career steps towards the job he really wants because he is going to have a mortgage to pay - so ultimately becoming stuck. I also worry how he has gone from being adamant he didnt want to move away from his family - to now moving miles away.

Im also worried that she has quite a turbulent history with her family members. I suppose Im just highly suspicious of what the future is going to hold.

OP posts:

KookyPinkHare · 02/11/2025 21:19

If I were you, I would say something. I would suggest he rents initially. It's dead money, but it gives him flexibility, with the job (which sounds awful, tbh, 60 hours pw is no way to live) and with the girlfriend (who may be "the one" but might not). 22 seems very young to be bogged down with a mortgage.

Octavia64 · 02/11/2025 21:21

No.

you shouldn’t say anything.

i don’t see why he will be “stuck” n this job.

it’s very common for graduates to work in a number of different jobs as a way of trialling things,

my DD is at home after finishing her degree and can’t get anything.

he sounds like he’s got his head screwed on. He’s got a girlfriend, a job and is looking for a house.

DontGoToThatPlace · 02/11/2025 21:32

I always said to Ds that before he buys a house with someone they rent together for six months to test the waters. Far easier to get out after 6 months if it isn't working than try to sell a house. I think you can't sell up for a set period for mortgage reasons, there were lots of threads on here about buyers regret and that came up.

Living with someone at their parents is not the same. Even though renting would be dead money they should still do it for 6 months. I would be advising this to your son. I would also be telling him he is welcome back home at any point and that a job isn't forever, he can change that if he realises it isn't what he wants. You don't really know what a job is until you have done it.

Newgirls · 02/11/2025 21:36

another perspective - buying now might make him more money long term than any job. He’s getting ahead of his peers if he buys now.

even if the relationship doesn’t last forever he might be making a wise move

BruFord · 02/11/2025 21:46

I agree that 22 is young to be settling down with a mortgage, but the flip side is that he’s getting on the property ladder early, which could stand him in good stead. If it doesn’t work out, they can sell; same with the job, he can leave it. While I agree with PP’s that renting together for a while might have been wise, it sounds like they’ve already bought a house.

If you’re chatting again about his choices, the one thing I’d stress to him is don’t rush into having children (assuming that they want them). Everything he’s chosen right now can be changed, but children obviously can’t be.

ClareBlue · 02/11/2025 22:04

It's his life. Let him make his own decisions. You've given your advice and that's where it should end. What makes you think he will do anything different if you tell him what you are saying here.

Londonrach1 · 02/11/2025 22:09

No. At 22 your son knows everything and can't possibly be wrong. Be there to pick up the pieces. To say something now makes it harder on him reaching out to you when he needs you. Keep quiet and support him. He appreciate that X

cakeisallyouneed · 02/11/2025 22:32

I think the most common response will be not to say anything, but honestly if it were my son, I would.
I wouldn’t frame at as criticism of his choices or giving your opinion though. You don’t want to risk alienating him. I’d ask questions. Like how does having a mortgage fit into his plan to look for another job? What’s the reason they’ve ruled out renting? How long is he thinking of doing the temporary job for?

Endofyear · 02/11/2025 22:51

I think if you're close, you should be able to raise your worries (without being critical of his gf or her family) and suggest that perhaps they rent for a year before tying themselves down with a mortgage? Then he could re-evaluate the job in a year's time and see if it's what he wants to do long-term. It might fall on deaf ears but if it were one of my sons, I think I would speak up. He knows you love him and have his best interests at heart. At the end of the day, if it's all a big mistake, he's lucky enough to have a loving family to help him pick up the pieces.

Disenchantedone · 02/11/2025 23:52

Talk to your son, say you will always be there if he needs a chat or has a bad day. See him as often as you can. Ask him if the job is going good, if he is enjoying it. Tell him if he isn't that he can look for another job. I suspect the daughter was going to move, and daddy magics up a job so that your son has to move....

RawBloomers · 03/11/2025 04:42

Endofyear's approach is the way I'd go. With maybe a couple of questions about how he sees the future, is there any way into the career he wanted, does he really like the location, has he got friends etc. if he gets a mortgage there now. Not trying to lead him away from the decision, just making sure he's thought about it and giving him an opportunity to say if he's feeling trapped into it.

Daisymay8 · 03/11/2025 05:05

If he’s working 60 hours a week and exhausted he’s not going to be a great partner for his GF, let alone if they start a family. I wouldn’t give them money towards the mortgage but keep it in case things go wrong in the future.
Is it a problem to find work in his degree field? It is in the GFs interest he gets a well paid job. He should be aiming or that and so should she.

redskydelight · 03/11/2025 07:20

Daisymay8 · 03/11/2025 05:05

I suspect some of the exhaustion is due to a 6 hour round trip every other weekend to visit OP, rather than being able to spend the weekend relaxing.

TheAlcott · 03/11/2025 07:37

OP, I'm in a similar (ish) position with my ds - also 22, also recently moved several hours away to be with his gf, also lots of family 'input' from her side, etc etc.

I don't think ds is particularly happy - he really misses London, his old workplace, friends etc. His gf is sweet enough but clearly just really wants to settle down early and I think he feels a bit trapped (and bored). I'm keeping my powder pretty dry, though. I've been complimentary about their flat (thankfully they're only renting, I completely get your concerns about buying at this stage), asking him about his job etc.

But I've also made sure he knows that no decision is final at this stage of his life (except fatherhood, and they both know in no uncertain terms that I do NOT want to be made a granny yet!) and, more obliquely, that we will be there to help him pick up the pieces if necessary, with no judgement.

That's all you can do, really. It's their life and they have to make their own mistakes, but we can help them have a slightly softer landing when /if they crash back down to earth!

curious79 · 03/11/2025 07:42

Speak to him - you have a good enough relationship that you can do it kindly and supportively. Tell you think he looks knackered. Tell him your concerns. It may be the thing that makes him tune into his own doubts, give them weight

i wish people had told me they all thought my first husband was a disaster. I wouldn’t have felt so alone and might not have gone ahead with the wedding

Daffydoll · 03/11/2025 07:49

Sorry if I’ve missed this but how old is the girlfriend and is she working local to her dad as well?

Yellowcardigan · 03/11/2025 07:50

I think he's way too young to be settling down, and agree that he could end up stuck in this job if he takes on a mortgage.

The moving to live in his girlfriends home town is a trickier issue - one of them has to compromise.

I think you should talk to him, remind him of what his goals used to be, your concern that he'll be stuck in this job if he gets a mortgage, and you could tell him he doesn't need to move so fast.

I would avoid talking about moving away - that could make him feel torn between you and his girlfriend.

Flakey99 · 03/11/2025 07:56

He’s only 22. That’s far too young to settle for a crap job and life.

Yes, you need to point out that he’s got a lifetime of work ahead of him and at this age he needs to be finding opportunities to try stuff out.

gannett · 03/11/2025 07:59

He's 22. He will neither be stuck in his first job out of uni nor in this location. That's a really weird thing to think. The vast majority of people in their 20s change jobs, move cities and even end relationships if they decide they don't want those things for the rest of their lives.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 03/11/2025 08:04

Yanbu.

Working for the family business can be a mugs game, if you are an inlaw it often is. He also doesnt sound like hes got a cushy job.

It could get very messy for him very quickly.

It's his life but he is young. He probably doenst undrrstamd hasnt thought about all the what ifs...
He just wants to a happy girlfriend.

Id be having a big long suportive chat talking about what ifs and explaining i am always there for him.

Its tricky though as bad decisons at 22 can have big knock ons esp. financially.

Magnificentkitteh · 03/11/2025 08:10

What kind of town is it? I'd be less concerned if it's a big city with plenty of opportunities and a thriving rental market in case they want to rent their house out. If it's a smaller place and he'd definitely have to move to pursue any new opportunities then i would be more concerned, though they can always sell i guess. I don't think telling him he's made a big mistake will go down well at this point (if he's already bought the house?) but I hink you should continue to drop in comments about how it could work if he wanted a change of direction.

Looking at the positives, he's taking steps towards independence - being on the property ladder, entering the world of work. Plenty of parents on here are worried about their kids who seem stuck in a different kind of life at home with them.

AlohaRose · 03/11/2025 08:26

Why on earth do they need to buy a house? In fact, how are they even managing to get a mortgage if he has only just finished uni and been in a job for two months? Is she contributing a large deposit? Could you suggest that they rent somewhere at least for a year?

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