Husband not as supportive as he was

[Anxiousandargh]

Hello,

Currently going through some issues, I'm signed off work with anxiety brought on by my work and some bereavements in my husband family. I work PT two days a week where he is full time.

I'm not the most resilient with my anxiety and due to my role I get to see a lot of sick and dying patients, DH once was very supportive of my anxiety but seems less so now. Taking about when will I return to work, what can we do to help etc.

Money is tight and I'm only on basic wage whilst of sick so I think this is worrying him but I need time to feel well enough to go back to work.

What can I say or do?

Do you think you are in the right career if you struggle with anxiety and see lots of sick and dying patients?

Perhaps your DH feels under a lot of stress to grieve for those in his family who have died whilst knowing he has to work because he doesn’t have the financial ability to go off sick.

I've been in my career for about 15 yrs, it's well paid for the hours I do, I'd massively struggle to work full-time I've not done that since our DS was born ten years ago so it's all a bit meh

Your husband is the one who has lost family members, but he’s still working full time and worrying about the money - and you’re complaining he’s not as supportive of you as you think he should be? Talk about being selfish and self-absorbed OP.

Isn’t it possible that if it’s his family members that have died and he’s worried about money as he’s the only one earning currently, he’s quite stressed and anxious himself?

Are you having treatment or counselling for your anxiety, and actively looking for ways to develop your resilience? It doesnt sound like the ideal career for you tbh - is there anything you could move sideways into within your trust?

What professional help are you getting?

And how long have you bee off on sick leave?

I can see that he's likely to feel resentful if the bereavements are in his family - and you are the one who's having to take the time off to 'deal' with it. He's shouldering the whole burden financially and emotionally.

You do need to find some way of dealing with it. I'm not surprised he sounds less supportive than he was - clearly everything is about you.

What about his needs? It was bereavements in his family, not yours.

I think it sounds totally draining for your husband. Its him who lost family members and hes worried about money. I dont think asking what he can do to help you back to work is unreasonable or him.not being supportive.

I think you need to be patient with DH its his family where the breavement happened and hes working full time and he will be worried about your income decrease. Its a hard time for him too

If your job is this stresses you this much you might nees a new career

What can I say or do?
Tell him that you know how lucky you are that he is strong, managing to cope and support the family. That you are working hard on finding ways to manage your anxiety and seeking support. That os your intention to return to work shortly and that he needs to trust you that things will get better.

But you're not well paid because you aren't there and you are massively struggling to even cope with 2 days part time. You arent coping, time to get practical now.

Well what are you doing to feel better? It seems inevitable and very understandable his sympathy is running low if he’s had deaths in his family, is the only one earning, working full time and possibly doing more for DS and around the house while you duck out because you’re finding things hard.

You’re not the only one suffering, he’s grieving, stressed about money and expected to be patient with your issues while carrying a hugely disproportionate load.

What are you doing to support him?

What support are you getting from your gp? Are you taking antidepressants. Have you tried the counselling service - time to talk? I know it’s hard but have you tried exercise - just a brisk half hour walk will help each day. There are self help supportive groups and also some great podcasts.

I’m saying all this as a person who has suffered with anxiety and depression for years (some quite major episodes), but still pulled myself up, sought help and cracked on (working full time in a demanding job with two children). I completely empathise that it’s not easy. You have to find the energy to work on how you’re feeling actively for it to improve. You’ll also have to learn your triggers for feeling worse and put positive steps and changes in place to deal with them and manage them going forward. No one else can do this for you!

Agree with pp that it’s time to look at whether the current job is right for you. at the very least, keep communicating with your employer . Do they have an occupational health service that you could access?

I suggest you keep communicating with your husband and ask what support he needs as he is the one who has lost family members and is supporting you.

I hope things start to feel a bit better for you soon.

I also think I'd wonder if it's time you have a think about what you could do that you'd find easier to support your family and yourself in workwise, and if you can get on top of this anxiety better. Hope you have got enough in the tank to look out for your husband if he's struggling too

Surely it’s only well paid when you are there? Why don’t you get a job that you can mentally manage longer term and then you can increase your hours if necessary to bring in a similar salary.

I think there are a few crucial bits of information missing. How long have you been off sick? What was your DH's relationship to the deceased and how long ago did they pass away? Are you receiving any treatment?

I am sorry that you're not well. Anxiety is horrible to live with. I imagine your DH wishes the best for you and is trying to be supportive, but if you are struggling financially then it's understandable that he's worried about you being off sick indefinitely. That doesn't mean that he's not concerned for you or that he's minimising your Anxiety.

If your job is so stressful that 2 days a week isn't manageable then, realistically, you do need to consider a change of career. Have you spoken to your LM about reasonable adjustments? Have they referred you to Occ Health?

I think that you need to appreciate that your DH is reaching the end of his rope here OP. Agree with PP, are you sure that you are in the right job if it's making you so anxious?

It is extremely draining being in relationship with someone with mental health issues which essentially dominated your life - your finances, your freedom, your thoughts.

He's probably suffering from compassion fatigue.

What are you doing to improve your health?
It should be absolutely everything you can do you can have a relationship of equals again.

this, why can you only work 2 days a week? You sound absolutely me-centric.
'How awful and unsupportive are you dh!!? I'm so upset your family member has passed away, centre me more, while you work full time!!'

I think him asking what he can do to help IS supportive. It’s stressful shouldering the bulk of bringing in money. Presumably he’s had a difficult time too with multiple bereavements in his family and is looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, which involves you being restored to health and going back to work.

I feel sorry for him too. Financial worries in your own are really hard and I think it's not surprising that he doesn't had the head space to prop you up as well. Marriage is a two way street op.

This 👆

Is your relationship a bit of a one way street. All help / support to you and none to him?

Anxiety is awful, I’ve seen people very dear to me fall apart because of it. The thing is, you need to be aware of the impact your anxiety is having on your husband. He is shouldering the burden of supporting you both financially, while trying to prop you up emotionally. Presumably he is also upset by his relatives dying. He doesn’t have the option of not working so he is doing the best he can, but it sounds like he is starting to crack under pressure. It is entirely possible that he will burn out and end up signed off sick too, which could have disastrous consequences for both of you financially, especially if you have a mortgage to pay.

As to what you can say or do. First, acknowledge his struggles and ask him what support you can give him. You need to sit and listen to him. Don’t mention your troubles, just listen to his. You might be surprised to learn just how much he is struggling.

Next, make an active effort to help him. Get up with him in the mornings so that you’re there to say goodbye as he leaves for work. Make sure you have a nice meal sorted for him in the evening when he comes home. Keep on top of all the housework so that he has a nice environment to come home to. I’m all for women’s lib and equal share of chores, but if he is working out of the home and you are not then the home is your job for the time he is in work. (If you can’t get everything done in that time then you share whatever is left over between you). Try to make it so that work is the only thing he has to worry about.

It is absolutely vital that you actively try to help yourself. You don’t mention what involvement you have from health professionals. If you are not medicated then that is worth looking into. Plus do anything you can yourself. Join a support group, read a self help book, join an online forum, whatever works for you. You cannot sit and wallow, you must be trying to get better. It is also very important to get some exercise because of the chemicals it generates in the brain.

I do understand how awful mental health problems can be. However, there is a limit to how long you can expect your husband to carry you. If you hang around mumsnet enough you’ll see threads of women in utter despair running themselves ragged propping up partners with mental health problems who are not earning or pulling their weight around the house. The advice in every instance is to leave. It seems
harsh, but everyone only has one life and it is unfair to expect one person to sacrifice their health and happiness for the sake of another who cannot support themselves.

The harsh truth is that, if you can’t get better and start pulling your weight, it is in your husband’s best interests to leave. It sounds like he has been very supportive so far, so hopefully that’s not an immediate concern. However you need to stop and think about what his life is like right now. Is he happy?

That doesn’t actually answer if you’re in the right career. Yes it might be well paid for the hours you do but you aren’t currently doing any hours because of your anxiety and resilience. He’s probably not as tolerant because he is also grieving but has no choice to not carry on