Husband dealing (or not dealing) with his parents finances

[Gl1ttrCr0n3]

Father in law died over a year ago, mother in law went into nursing home with dementia shortly before that. They have 2 rental properties. Husband has still not completed his father’s tax return, nor his mother’s, which he’ll need to do every year. His parents didn’t keep good records, so I sympathise that this is tricky and messy, and I have offered to help with it. Husband is not best at admin. Every time I ask about progress I get a defensive attitude. There were problems getting access to his parents accounts, issues over the tax return portal needing to be reopened. There is always something. Any time he does tackle this a dark cloud descends over him and by extension our family. His annoyance and frustration leak out everywhere. I’m losing patience. The task is looming and it’s affecting our family. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to ask about this.

His mum has some savings, and the rent from the 2 properties covers some of her care home costs, but not sure for how long. Husband and his sister are not great at keeping on top of finances and tend to be reactive rather than proactive. I worry at some point that a care home bill won’t be able to be paid because they’ve not kept track. I’ve shared my concerns about this and tried to explain that it’s affecting me and our family. Husband says it’s not my concern as it’s about ‘his’ family and he doesn’t want to talk to me about it as I ‘don’t like his family’. I found them difficult, especially his dad. Husband found/finds them difficult too.

Context: his parents tried to pressure us into buying one of their rental properties from them so that they could buy a flat for husband’s sister when she separated from her husband. They tried to propose this as a great financial investment for us, with no regard or understanding of our financial situation, with a large mortgage on a house that desperately needed work, and young son. Thankfully my husband got advice from his financial advisor which was that it was not a sound investment. I had said the same, but feel like my views are less trusted than his parents. His parents have no pensions and lost lots of money investing in properties in Spain just before the crash happened. There seemed to be a pattern of making some very poor financial decisions.

It’s putting a massive strain on us. I don’t feel heard. He thinks I’m unreasonable and don’t trust him. I don’t trust him - after so many times of him saying he’s on it, and then seeing no work or focus on the tax returns until I bring it up again, then I’m not sure how I could be feeling trust. I think asking me to trust it will be done a bit unreasonable. A bit gas-lighty. Am I being unreasonable?

Surely this is his issue to deal with and not for you to get involved in.

Can your DH afford to employ an accountant to deal with his mum's rental properties and tax liability?

Where did your MIL and FIL live prior to your FIL's death and your MIL's transfer to a care home? Did they live in a house that is now empty so can now be sold to pay her care home fees?

His lack of dealing with the issue, and his mood when he does try to deal with it, impacts OP and his DC. That's the issue.

OP, you have my sympathy.

However, PP is right - the finances are not your business. What are you concerned about happening if they mess it up? Presumably it will cost your poor MIL tax fines etc if they do but not you?

Can you just step away, not mention it at all, leave them to it?

Is there any financial liability for you both if things aren’t sorted?

If not, just step away. It’s between him and his sister. Let them wallow. But tell him his nasty moods and atmosphere are not welcome in your home.

I had to deal with my mother's finances in a similar situation (she went into a care home, I had LPA). There were no properties involved, just a lot of savings, but things were complicated by the fact she'd ignored letters from HMRC due to her dementia (I only found the letters when we cleared her flat).

I did not attempt to sort it out myself as there was too much room for me to get things wrong, I gave all the paperwork to an accountant and he dealt with it very efficiently. As the accountant was working for my mother, his bill was paid out of her funds.

I actually get it OP. It is really depressing sorting out parents finances when they are in a mess. Does DH have PoA in place? If so then get a professional help and pay for it out of the parents estates. It is their problem for making it more difficult. Otherwise it is a mountain to climb.

Use an accountant and his fees come out of the rental income.

It shouldn't be costing your DH in time or money.

But from the OP it impacts them when the OP gets involved. Every single statement below is from the OP and if they backed off maybe their DH would be happier and it wouldn’t impact the OP.

• Every time I ask about progress I get a defensive attitude.
• I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to ask about this.
• I worry at some point that a care home bill won’t be able to be paid because they’ve not kept track. I’ve shared my concerns about this and tried to explain that it’s affecting me and our family.
• Husband says it’s not my concern as it’s about ‘his’ family and he doesn’t want to talk to me about it
• I don’t feel heard.
• I don’t trust him

The DH has said to back off and the OP is refusing to respect or listen to their boundaries, keeps pushing and now wonders why those bullying tactics aren’t getting their required result. To complain of being gaslit at the end of it is ridiculous.

Make sure to tell him that any fines from hmrc won't be coming out of your family finances and then leave him to it. If he gets arsey with you tell him he can either accept your help or stfu as it's impacting you and your children.

My BIL was struggling a little with completing tax returns associated with inheriting his parents house and renting it out, complicated by his fluctuating income. My sister tried to help but they were getting really confused so they decided to go to a tax accountant for advice. For a reasonable amount of money, around £250 a couple of years ago, he helped them complete the first tax return and set up procedures for keeping the ongoing records needed. This seemed a fair amount to pay as a one off, my sister now sorts things out and when we rented out our mums house after she went into a care home, she was able to look after the tax forms for that as well.

Might be worth considering?

about a year ago his mum moved from one care home to another and they weren’t sure if his parents could afford it and husband mentioned that he might have to help with covering costs. To be fair to him I don’t think he was thinking straight or aware that once his mum’s funds were low then the local council funds care home costs.

However, the conversation around that threw light on how he sees his finances as his, not ours. It makes me nervous.

Just tell him that if he ignores it and it all comes back to bite him, you will not be listening to his whining, he either accepts your help or keeps his gob shut. Then you switch off, not your circus, not your monkeys, as long as it doesn’t harm your family financially, that is.

Thank you. This is a good idea. Was suggested my my parents too. Would certainly take the pressure off.

I will suggest this again. Was suggested by my parents.

parents in law lived in a house in a retirement complex. Just heard yesterday that they have sold the property. Was on the market for a year. Price was too high. Others on same complex were listed for less and not selling. Was told yesterday that they only just realised this two months ago. There was a mortgage on this property and monthly management fees. They couldn’t rent it out as it is a retirement property with rules against renting.

This sounds sensible. Thank you.

Yes him and his sister have power of attorney. I will suggest seeking professional help to manage this.

Yeah, I’d straighten this out.

Separately from the in-laws issues, maybe you need a consultation for yourselves with an IFA and estate planning solicitor.

this is actually useful. Thank you. It’s both of us not dealing well with the situation and each other. In my defense it is difficult to back off when the task looms over my husband and affects his mood, and very sporadically requires his time. This is affecting the family, so this issue is not entirely being kept within his boundaries - it’s leaking all over us

Get a paid accountant in (paid for by the parents its under £400 generally £250-£350) dont get stung with penalties.

He needs to get a grip and start actually dealing with things and you need to be squeaky wheel that gets greased re: family finances. I'd want full transparency and if he is dropping 20k / 50k / 100k pa on a care home you should know about it.
It effects you, it effects your child.

I can sense and understand your frustration but I think you should cut him some slack. He would still be grieving for his father's death and his mother's dementia and it could be that everytime you remind him to sort out the finances he's reminded of it. I know it's not something I'd look forward to doing.

You could just leave him to it or pass him a recommendation for an accountant.

That sounds amazing. I did suggest this way back after his dad died. Also my parents suggested it to him.

my husband is really not good at admin and I am the one that keeps on top of family admin and finances. He struggles with his own tax return - affects his mood massively for weeks when he procrastinates on it and then tackles last minute. Again,as others have said, it’s his concern, but when that concern of his leaks all over the family, then it affects me

Thank you. It’s the lack of dealing with things and of transparency. I don’t think they need to pay care home fees, but the fact that he mentioned this as a possibility - he said “I might need to help pay the care home costs”, as if I had nothing to do with “his” finances, that puts me on edge.

Everyone is different but i couldnt live like this.

I'd research and find the account amd make sure its someone presonable and charming to win your husbamd over. I'd pay.rhem myself then get repaid by the parents and that way the accpuntant is "your man" / "your woman" and you can directly get info from them.

Once your husband initially "cracks" and agrees to use the accountant for 24/25 tax return that will be the foot in the door needed and he'll eventually accept its easier all round to let a professionap handle it. (Because honestly it is a stressful annoying task for him).

I agree an accountant would be helpful BUT they can only work with the information that is provided to them so the OP's DH still needs to provide copies of bank statements/ invoices for expenses etc. I am an accountant and do my own tax return and what takes the time is gathering all the info rather than just plugging the numbers in, especially if I've been slack about doing it as I go along and have to forensically examine my email and WhatsApp.

This

If no one in the family can/will deal with this, get a good accountant