Family doesn't know how to have conversations

[lovesT]

I'm just wondering if anyone else struggles with this?

My biological family is TINY, just the 3 of us (mum, sister and myself). My husband's family isn't huge but there are more of them and we get on really well.

Both my mum and sister live alone and I just find it incredibly hard having conversations with them as they don't ask questions and they don't have much to talk about. They're not bad people but I'm struggling as I'm just not the same as them in most ways.

My sister especially just doesn't ask questions, doesn't ask how I am or what's going on with life. I'll ask her and try and start conversations but it will end up being a monologue about her work and nothing back to me. The only thing we properly end up talking about is wonder family issues which I'm completely bored of and will definitely seek therapy for one day 😂 I just can't keep talking about the same things that they both need to work through to.

I know there are bigger problems in life but I really struggle spending won't with them but feel I need to for the benefit of my two children and as I say they're not mean people just hard to be around!

Just need a vent I think, and maybe anyone who can relate.

People are often like this when they are conflict avoiders and don’t wish to ‘fall out’. They keep all conversation very factual and beige so that no-one can possibly have a differing opinion and the situation is very safe.

Do you have strong opinions about a lot of things? Is it possible they’re afraid of your judgement or that they judge you (and your life) so they prefer not to talk about it?

DHs family are like this- except him and his sisters who all love to chat, ask questions, be nosy and are very good at conversations.

His parents are lovely, kind and generous but conversations aren't their thing. It's painful to ask how they are, they smile and say "I'm very well thank you!" then... nothing. They adore me, they love our children, they're good people but they just don't talk. I spend so much time talking at them to avoid silences, but I could tell them I'd been chased by a zombie wearing a tutu and all they'd respond with is a gentle laugh or a smile and nod.

I think some people just aren't cut out for other people. I don't understand it and it can be so easy to let it get to me, and that's with nice silent family! I can't imagine how it is to have minute conversations with uncaring family. Maybe they're just so enclosed in their own brains they can't fathom a life outside of them. But surely they can fake interest.

I wonder what goes through their minds when they watch conversations on TV, or if they're chattier through text with certain people. Is it neurodivergency?

20 years later and we still say that in the family now 🤣.

That’s fascinating, @FullOfMomsense. Why don’t/can’t they talk? Surely it can’t be timidity, as they’ve known you so long and so well?

My family do talk they just say alot of inappropriate stuff!

I wonder if there were once more families like this? This sounds very like many of my childhood weekends, where we’d be taken to spend the day with old friends, relatives or neighbours and the conversation would be the same on repeat - updates on a limited number of people, the state of the local town’s market, the weather, the roads.

It was deathly boring. My parents still do it now. There’s never anything new or interesting mentioned. It’s like no one has ever read a book or watched the news.

It's weird because they're like it with everyone, even other family members, when I'm not in the room, even with their own children. DH and his sisters have known from a very young age that they're odd, and they grew up very quiet too. It's only since going to uni/moving away at young ages that they realise how people actually talk to each other.

I really don't understand it, other family members are quiet but not that quiet, they're a very affectionate family and are all lovely but just silent!

My parents are both like this I have never once been asked how I am , or if I’ve had a nice time or holiday etc, I tried for years then I gave up. I have their only grandchildren so they used to come and see them ( before they lost interest in them too) I used to chat and think of nice topics of conversation. That would not lead to daily mail type rants from them ! Then I got fed up and stopped and after offering tea and cake I left it to see how long it took for them to talk to me , record is 5 hours for my mum and not at all over 2 days for my dad . Strange thing is they have never noticed we no longer really have a relationship

This is a good point actually and worth thinking about. I don't think it's the whole reason but we're all quite opinionated but do have differing views. We have very different lives now too and the only thing other than being family which connects us is the children really. I wouldn't say they're afraid of conflict but as our lives are so different it's hard to relate and we don't do things the same way. I think my sister has always felt judges so it's very possible that's part of it, but I do think it's also her personality.

How about you just start telling them stuff about your life. Maybe they think that they don't need to make an effort because you're family and if you got something to say you will do so? Not saying it's normal but maybe that's it. Or they just don't care..

Oh and I once spent a week with a Finnish couple (friends parents) and they literally didn't talk at all. Not with each other or their daughter except when asking factual questions. Weird but she said it was normal in Finland 🤷‍♀️

Tried once or twice to do this at the weekly family Sunday lunch/afternoon gathering - also bombed.

Would they enjoy watching a Disney film with the kids? Would get you through 90 minutes at least!
My family are too cranky to agree to this. I have given up. My DF is a terrible stirrer and will argue black is white to wind you up, and he is becoming even more bad tempered and intolerant in his old age. I actually regret moving back to this country 7 years ago too tbh. Seems pointless from the family point of view, and I think we will be worse off long term because of it. Oh well, it is what it is. There's also lots of undiagnosed ND as well as some diagnosed in the youngest generation. I am now spending as little time as I can get away with there, which is a bit sad, but they do not seem to want to do things differently so I am putting less and less effort in too.

That was me, too. I was very private (still am to a degree) and I honestly thought it was rude and nosy to ask people questions about their lives.

It wasn't until I had my babies and realised how nice it was when people showed interest in them and asked about them, that the penny dropped!

I’m grey rocking my mother and contacting her very little. I’m fairly sure she’s actually loving it as she doesn’t have to make an effort. I’ve also stopped buying insincere cards, so no gushing or wonderful mother. Last one was from the Asda value range, she loved it.

mines slightly different in that she was terribly controlling and we were very enmeshed /she treated me like a romantic partner as her marriage was awful. I pushed back on something and , as the relationship was purely transactional and in not making an effort it’s fizzled out.

Dh's family are like this. His parents and sisters never ask questions just monologue about themselves it's so boring. I get so fed up of listening to them harp on it's endless. I avoid meeting up whenever I can.

Nearly everyone in my family has communication differences related to neurodiversity and mental illness. I am also not great at making conversation in real life (I have amazing conversations in my head!).

For me, it is all about finding something that works. For example, my eldest son loves cats, so we can talk about feline related things. Then, once he is relaxed, perhaps I will steer the topic onto something else. He also makes a real effort to try to make 'polite' conversation. However, conversation does exhaust him.

My husband gets distracted by bizarre associations and paranoid thoughts. Yet, he is great at pop quizzes and music trivia. We can have quite an enjoyable time if he can focus on this.

My youngest has a compulsion to interrogate me about my health or what changes I might have made to the environment. He also has a fascinating knowledge of cars. At 24, he has become more able to talk about his feelings, and he can now accept hugs. The conversations are a little one-sided, but that is what is needed at the moment.

So, I cannot expect a typical type of conversation with my closest family. I get more reciprocal and varied conversation from other people (including people at work or at church for example).

Thanks for all the replies. I do understand I can't change them and I'm not trying to, though I have tried for many years and like I say I think I'm just sad and frustrated with it now. I'm someone who NEEDS conversation and connection and I do feel I lack it with them.

Tbh I do think it's worse with my sister, me and my mum can have conversations on good days and we have a few things we can both enjoy.

We have complicated wider family and recently had a death in the family which has thrown up more complicated feelings 🫠 so I think it's all come to a head for me! It's also something that keeo coming up as the only thing we can all talk about and I just can't anymore 😩. Would be so nice if we could have "normal" conversations!

It's been interesting reading other experiences!