Family doesn't know how to have conversations

[lovesT]

I'm just wondering if anyone else struggles with this?

My biological family is TINY, just the 3 of us (mum, sister and myself). My husband's family isn't huge but there are more of them and we get on really well.

Both my mum and sister live alone and I just find it incredibly hard having conversations with them as they don't ask questions and they don't have much to talk about. They're not bad people but I'm struggling as I'm just not the same as them in most ways.

My sister especially just doesn't ask questions, doesn't ask how I am or what's going on with life. I'll ask her and try and start conversations but it will end up being a monologue about her work and nothing back to me. The only thing we properly end up talking about is wonder family issues which I'm completely bored of and will definitely seek therapy for one day 😂 I just can't keep talking about the same things that they both need to work through to.

I know there are bigger problems in life but I really struggle spending won't with them but feel I need to for the benefit of my two children and as I say they're not mean people just hard to be around!

Just need a vent I think, and maybe anyone who can relate.

My PILs are like this. I’m fairly sure MIL is autistic, her behaviour raises many a flag for female ASD (of course DS1 couldn’t possibly have ASD/ADHD because it doesn’t exist 🙄).

My mother only asks me questions the day before she meets her sisters. That's once a year.

She doesn't ask because she cares, she asks because she knows she'll be asked about me by her sisters. She likes to pretend she is a caring mother 😂

My mother was always like this. She couldn't tell you what my degree was in. I used to watch her eyes glaze over if I tried to talk to her about something slightly interesting. She was incapable of talking about anything other than herself. I too now realise she was autistic, because there's a lot of(diagnosed) in my family. But I never put 2 and 2 together before.

My oldest friend doesn’t ask questions and I’ve just given up tbh. She can get in touch with me if she wants but I’ve stopped doing it all. Really hard to resist checking in with her though as I do actually care what’s going on and hope she’s well but clearly she doesn’t about me so I’m trying to resist!

According to some Mumsnetters, asking how people are and asking questions is intrusive and ‘being hard work’. Maybe your family feel like that.

I’d love someone to ask how things are with me though tbh 🤣

Tell them.

I grew up in a small insular family. As a young adult (a long time ago 😅) I genuinely thought it was rude that people outside the family were so intrusive, asking questions about what I was planning to do at the weekend and what I had done last night. I wouldn’t have dreamt of being so rude as to ask that kind of thing myself!

Fortunately a good friend explained how weird I was being. But if she hadn’t told me, I don’t think I would have realised.

I'm not sure this happens by accident. I have family members that I try to grey rock. I don't ask them any questions because quite frankly I don't want to know the answers. Neither do I tell them anything of interest about myself. If I have to chat to them, I very deliberately talk about the state of the garden, the neighbours operations or the bin schedule.

We have relatives who make the effort to visit but then sit and say nothing. Conversation has to be prompted the entire time, it's hard work.

It's very self centred to blather on about yourself and ask nothing back. I've given up on people like this lately, I know a few. One of them is a sibling. It went on for years before I threw in the towel however.

YANBU at all. My DM is the same, I find it exhausting really. Before my Dad died a few years ago, her world was very narrow and she had very limited things she wanted to talk about. Now he's not here, her world is even smaller and she just seems disinterested in anything that doesn't involve the grandchildren. It feels more pronounced as Dad did actually ask me questions and took an interest in other people. Mum never really has but its got so much worse over time - like @RandomNewIdentity said conversation is an art and sharpened with practice. Since living alone, her (not great) conversational skills have just dropped off a cliff.

It makes me sad as I make an effort to ask how she is, what she's up to and find out what she's doing. She never asks anything about me in return and when I try to tell her things, she's clearly not listening and doesn't respond to anything I say. Tbh, she knows so little about who I am and what I'm doing, I don't even think she knows what my job is! She honestly has zero interest in anything about me :(

I keep in touch as she's my Mum and I love her, but it it's honestly hard work a lot of the time. However, reading your post and what other posters have said makes me feel better that I'm not the only one! Come to think of it, since PPs also mentioned it, I do wonder if my DM does have some ND traits... It would make a lot of sense in many other ways too!

I talk to a lot of people in my job and IMO many people are shit at conversation. It's not something we're necessarily taught, so depending on your upbringing and how your mind functions you might never pick up the basics of listening and turn-taking. My father is entirely incapable of conversation. My mother is slightly better but still pretty rubbish at it. My in-laws are fairly poor too. I'm quite good at conversation but I've had to consciously learn it, partly for my job. I've had to teach DH how to be better at it and I'm actively teaching my children (although DD is pretty natural at it. DS is another story).

Engaging with poor conversationalists is frustrating but there's not much you can really do beyond trying to teach them - most adults aren't open to that.

It’s a shame but not uncommon.
My brothers wife is like this, no conversation or questions just inevitably veers into long ranting complaints about my parents. It’s exhausting. We visit them less, or see my brother & the kids. She genuinely doesn’t seem to give a toss about us.

I agree with a few other posters, you don’t necessarily have to get on famously with Family. You’re much more likely to find friends who you prefer.

Just know that you are not alone, few people really enjoy wonderful in-depth intellectually stimulating conversations with family.

2 and 5! So they're just excited by being at their house whilst I die inside not having conversations 😂 no it's not all bad but it is draining and I feel like I only have a "relationship" with my sister because we're sisters and she wants to see my kids

Tbh I think they're both autistic in a way, like not really obvious to everyone but it's there. My mum is often surprised at things I've told her before and I think it's purely because she glazes over like you say. Like something major (to me) like my son starting nursery soon and she almost surprised it's happen like I haven't spoken to her about it loads. I don't think it's memory, it's just not properly taking interest. Or maybe it's memory and I have a bigger problem 😅

I strongly incline towards the not taking an interest explanation @lovesT All we can do is try not be like them towards our own kids.

YES. This is it. They love meeting up and suggest it most weekends but don't make an effort to talk or anything. I think I've just got to the point I'm fed up of it.

@curlyteapotim sorry about your dad and sorry you're experiencing similar 😕.

It sounds so similar to my experience. My mum has been a single parent for most of my life so her world has got smaller and smaller as time has gone in and like you say everything is directed at the grandchildren (or doing doing random things to her house and garden) but isn't working and her pool of friends is very tiny now so she doesn't see many people in the week.

She will ask me questions sometimes X it's my sister who's worse with conversation but it does feel like she doesn't always listen to the answer - probably most of the time.

Well that must means I have four family members trying to grey rock me and each other simultaneously 😆

Imagine trying to grey rock these people though. They'd think you were a scintillating conversationalist with your bin chat, and be entirely oblivious to your intentions.

What happens if you don’t fill the silence with prompts?

If you let the silence stretch, most people will fill it.

You could just stop putting in the work?

🤣🤣
Hard relate.
Honestly my best attempts at grey rocking would still make me the life of the fucking party where much of my family is concerned. 🤣

This sort of thing is so hard to explain to people whose dysfunctional family dynamics are on the other end of the drama spectrum.

I’m lucky enough to have a foot in each camp, with one madly charismatic personality disordered fantasist parent and another very rigid autistic one who loves a bit of bin chat & detailed longwinded discussion of schedules.

‘Came out the wardrobe’ 🤣
Free to be his true Narnian self at last

Yes, I was going to say that or relax listening to music or play a board game. Don't go round all the time just to talk.

Some people don't like endless talking and playing happy families.
Some people genuinely aren't interested.
Some feel indifferent.
Many reasons, many different human beings.

Conversation is not easy. Some people are better in a joint task, eg cooking together or gardening together.

there is a board game called “we aren’t really strangers” which gives lots of prompts to start better conversations. Look it up.

Phrases my Dad has never said to me:
"How are you?"
"How's work?"
"What's new?"
"Congratulations"
"Nice to see you"
"How's DP"

He does occasionally ask after DDog.

I tried a board game with them years ago after being away for a few months where we played lots of board games with friends, I never tried again 😂 They're not board game people.