DH talking about moving but I don't want to.

[AhBiscuits]

DH has come into some money and thinks we should move and buy a bigger house. I think our house is big enough. Since living here we have converted the loft and extended. There isn't really anything else we can do to increase space. We have 2 kids who are 8 and 10. They each have their own large bedroom, as do we, and we have a box room which is my office. He wants a 5 bed so that we can also have a guest room / room where he can put exercise equipment and just generally to have more space. The location of our house is perfect and I don't think we'd find somewhere else that ticks all the boxes this house does, space aside. Even if we did find this unicorn house, I just can't be arsed with it. The moving, the redecorating, you can guarantee that we'll want a different kitchen and/or bathroom. I hate living in a building site. What if the neighbours are dicks? I like our neighbours, we have a nice community. Why do we have to be constantly looking to upgrade? My brother bought his house at 25, has never moved and had paid off his mortgage by 50. That seems like a good thing to do to me.
I'd rather invest the money and give it to the children for their houses when they are looking to buy.

My parents moved a lot. I hated it. My three went to the same primary and secondary school. Have roots, lifelong friendships. I envy them that.

In your situation I would not want to move. How does he react when you tell him you don't want to?

I have a DH who used to often want to move. His father was the same and frequently talked about the next move. MIL put her foot down. I once remember her telling him that he could move if he wished but she would be staying put. It worked. They were already in a lovely three bedroom bungalow in a great location for them and it was pretty much perfect (for them). They had only just moved to it as well. They stayed there, built a great life and it was a good property as they aged and their health declined.

I'd just keep telling him no, and when he comes up with properties to look at don't show any enthusiasm. He can go and look if he wishes but you aren't interested.

A proper garden room to replace the hut, trampoline etc. could be a Den, office, spare bedroom space.
I have several friends with them and they consider them a great investment with multiple uses.

This gym whim is heard so often. Just exercise outside.

I didn't want ro move to a bigger house and a year later totally regret it! Miss my old neighbourhood, it was quieter, we knew everyone. What is it with (some) men needing the home gym space and extra work, cleaning etc.

Who wiĺl take on the extra cleaning involved with the extra space you would gain? If that would be you then I'd definitely stay put

There’s no right or wrong answer, just different priorities.

I should wait anyway to see what the council tax bands will be after the budget.

I cannot fathom the mindset behind this sort of thing, that bigger is better and must be chased at all costs. Does he worry about how others view him and how successful he is and perhaps thinks that a bigger house will make him look better?

I am with you though, what the hell is wrong with being happy with what you have?!

Is he the sort that money tends to burn a hole in his pocket? If he is then locking up long term investments is very important as otherwise it will gradually disappear in dribs and drabs.

I agree with this.

In my experience you need more room for teens. You get to the stage where there are 4 full grown adults in the space, all wanting to hang out with friends, have work/study space, parking for cars etc.

Is the current house near a good secondary school?

Wow I just feel this is all about you and your little people! You don’t want to move, you have a room of your own, the kids have a hut and loads of play equipment but your DH has no space of his own! Do you see how that comes across?
there has to be give and take, why not give up your room so he can have some exercise equipment?

You could always agree to look at a few houses to stop DH from wittering...but the houses may not be suitable/ are not suitable are./ Schools are not right..etc ...iykwim..😉

I voted YABU simply because is such a simple conversation to have with your DH.
List the pros and cons of your own home and only agree to look at houses that could beat it.
If you are right, the whole idea will disappear soon enough.
If he’s right, you’ll find a wonderful home!

He’s expressing a want/need so should get space to talk about it. Have to say that for the cost of moving he could join the most high end gym in the country for ten years.

The garden building sounds useful for teenagers - I was going to suggest he could have that as a gym - how big a space does he want? Tbh ds wanted to join a gym from a young age so if he sticks a rowing machine up against the wall and a punchbag in there it might be popular with your kids anyway?

I can understand why you're not that keen on moving and you have really good reasons but, your house sounds a lot like our house. Except that in our house, the extra room is for DH's office. And frankly, if I came into some money, I'd move like a shot. I'm tired of never having quite enough space. we have friends and family who live overseas and they can't stay wtih us. We have friends and family locally but we can't host more than one small family at a time. I don't have any space that is properly mine.

My children are older so I can also tel you that depending on what your downstairs lay out is like, you'll want the extra space when they're teenagers. We do have a small sort of family space off the kitchen and our bedroom is large which is a relief, because when the children have their friends over, the lounge is pretty much unusuable as they're playing games or watching tv or whatever.

So I'd definitely agree to at least look at houses. I do appreciate the effort and expense of moving is painful, but that doesn't mean you can't find something lovely. Perhaps aim to stay in the local area, but see if there's a house that's that bit bigger, or has additional space ot expand. I completely get your resistance to endless building work so perhaps suggest that you realy don't want a fixer upper but something that is pretty much done already - including any extensions.

You can’t just arbitrarily decide you aren’t moving, you both have a say on where you live, you both should discuss the pros and cons of moving or not moving and view a few properties to make an informed decision, nothing would make me want to move more than my husband refusing to move house without looking at all options.

But she can.

Its a bit like the "having a baby" conversation. Its a huge commitment and the one who doesnt want to has the final say. You cant force someone to move against their will, you cant force them to sign the paperwork or leave the house you are in if they dont want to. You may not agree with their reasons but you do have to accept them. That you would dig your heels in and push all the harder is quite worrying in the context of a marriage.

Apply to go on LIOLI

I don’t think that’s quite true. I love my DH dearly, but after 20+ years of being absolutely sick of the house and area we lived in I ultimately had to say that I was moving, and we could either move together or enlist the help of counselling to figure out how to continue a relationship living apart.

So he chose to go with you, but if he had said no then you would have ended up living apart and there would have been nothing you could do about that. I mean you chose to use emotional blackmail to get your own way which frankly I think is despicable but it doesnt alter the fact that you couldnt have physically forced him.

Why not pay off your current mortgage?

Or do you own outright?
depends how much money- can’t have it just sitting in a savings account. Pay into pensions? Or kids pensions?

if it was me I’d pay for kids private education!

Well no, he could force a sale, take his half and be on his merry way if he so chooses, he’s a husband not a prisoner.

Well, he chose to engage with me on the issue rather than ignoring it as he had been doing.

Personally I think that people are responsible for their own happiness, and communicating what they need to a partner. I don’t think that’s emotional blackmail.

I also don’t think the alternative - one partner martyring themselves by staying in a situation that makes them miserable - is particularly healthy for either person.

Presumably your kids won't need swings and slide in 3-4 years, and perhaps not the trampoline either. I think a garden office/gym (if the two could be compatible together) and your box room perhaps to be a spare room ticks those boxes?

Our bedroom is very big and has a rowing machine and exercise bike in it. It wouldn't really work swapping my office to the bedroom because I start work early and he's usually in the bedroom getting ready. Would make for some interesting Teams calls.

Honestly I think he's feeling a bit jealous of his brother, who has moved into a lovely huge house. BIL and wife are high earners. We aren't, we are average earners but comfortable enough. DH likes our house but thinks the grass is greener.