Is he just a bit of a twat?

[Shabang21]

I have recently noticed that DH has this habit of starting a conversation - music, politics, whatever - where it is entirely evident that he doesn’t actually want to converse with me. It’s more, he just wants to talk at me with his opinions and hear himself talk. It started when he’d talk about something that we were both kind of interested in, and has now progressed to “you know such and such?”
Me “no, and I don’t really care.”
He “well, it’s this, it’s entirely ridiculous and means this and anybody who agrees with it is entirely stupid and blah blah blah blah”
I am literally staring into space for ten minutes while he just goes on and on and on with his big opinions. Like, why start a conversation, just go talk to a mirror? Does anyone else’s partner do this, and am I out of order for thinking it’s kind of a wanker thing to do?

It's kind of hard to say based on what your OP, because the wankiest thing there is you saying "no and I don't really care" 🤣 but I'm guessing there's a lot more back story. How does he make it clear he doesn't want an actual conversation?

He could be a blowhard twat or he could be on the spectrum and his way of expressing love is info-dumping his latest interest.

I thought your story was going to be that he tells you to shut up or talks you down. But actually, he wants to discuss a topic and you tell him you don’t care and expect him to shut up? Maybe you’ve worded it wrong

Does he let you state your opinion op?

I thought this too

Have you fond the adult thing and actually talked to him about how you it makes you feel? Or just run to MN to complain to the whole world about him (which is also a bit of a wanky thing to do)?

Sorry, the “no and I don’t care” is a recent development after I tried to get involved and state my opinion and he would either ignore it, talk over it or tell me it was the wrong opinion to have (like he did with feminism recently, after telling me he was more of a feminist than most women he knew), so now I chuck in that I don’t care to see if he notices. He doesn’t 😂

probs should have clarified that as I realise that does make me sound like a massive bitch 👍

No, I came straight here.

Obviously I have, he has told me before I am reading it wrong and this is how conversations are.

Yeah this is more what I expected. Your OP makes you sound like the twaty one. Based on the update YANBU!

It’s that he will not ask a question, I’ll try and interject and he’ll either brush straight past it, or tell me how I’m wrong. Or he’ll talk about something that he knows full well I have no interest in whatsoever and just talk at me for up to 20 minutes. I feel like if you wanted someone’s opinion, you’d say something like “don’t you think/what do you think?” etc and there’s just none of that.

But, maybe I’m just becoming horrible and judgey in my middle age?

No and I don’t care? I’m glad my husband doesn’t say this to me! We both get excited about our own stuff and talk. Sometimes it’s not the most interesting topic to me but I’d never say I don’t care.

Read your latest updates ignore me! Continue saying it 😆

It's called "monologuing". The monologuer has no interest in hearing anyone else's opinion or having their opinion challenged. If you try and interrupt or interject, they immediately bring the conversation straight back to themselves.

I feel your pain, @Shabang21 .I have several people in my life who do this and have had to limit contact because I am no longer willing to sit there silently for hours and be someone's audience.

"I 'm off down the pub dear. If I am going to have to listen to a pub bore at least I can do it with a drink in my hand."

Sounds unbearable and as if he has no respect for you. I wouldn't be happy. To put it mildly.

My husband does the same. I put it down to him working from home and watching too much stuff online during his working day. He always has some conspiracy theory or other bullshit to tell me in the evenings. Sorry I don't have an answer, I just feel your pain!

talking at people is very common with ASD - orb he's just an annoying twat.

I met this chap through work and I thought he was really attractive. I had a great conversation with him at the Christmas party the first time I met him. Only saw him sporadically. Actually what I realised was I facilitated any conversation we had by feeding him
questions. I don’t think that man ever asked me a single question the whole time I knew him. Once I realised I stopped volunteering information about anything & it just became a 30 minute monologue. If your DS happens to be that man he is very pretty but my god he’s dull.

There is a world of difference between someone talking to you and someone talking at you.

You’ll not get the response you’re looking for here because most people haven’t dealt with someone like him before. Is he a narcissist? Have you looked at the traits? I unfortunately have one and he sounds similar to mine. You saying ‘I’m not interested.’ Didn’t happen the 1st time I’m sure, I’m sure that over the years you’ve politely nodded or sucked up him ignoring your opinion etc and it’s only years later that you’re this blunt (like me) It’s like you’re not a part of the conversation isn’t it? It feels performative doesn’t it? Because it is! He isn’t interested in your opinion and I bet when you strike up a conversation that interests you he stares at his phone and doesn’t even respond? Mine will read something on his phone and then tell me about it like he knew that information all along! So for example we were talking about ‘Prince’ Andrew and mine read his phone for 10 minutes and then told me all about the history of the royal family like it was all in his head the whole time. We watched a UFC fight the other day and he listed facts about the fighter like the name of his dog! Why on earth would that interest me? I’ve showed no interest! In the end I said ‘why are you listing facts about a person I’m not interested in? I don’t like UFC and I’ve told you 1,000 times, it’s really weird and like
you're showing off.’ He carried on! I think challenging them sort of feels a bit like you have some control over what they’re doing to you. I feel you.

@Shabang21 , YABU. Your DH isn't starting a conversation, he's starting a monologue.

Yes, as pp have noted, this isn’t conversation; it’s the dreaded monologue habit of the middle-aged man. My dad did it incessantly through my teens and it made mealtimes utterly miserable. He used to tell us off if we weren’t paying attention!

In his case it was a mix of selfish self-importance, anxiety and alcohol misuse. I think he was afraid of how an unpoliced conversation might evolve and also had little interest in our lives. He’s better now (sober 20 years) but still reverts back to it when anxiety peaks. I hate it sooo much and find it very triggering when other people (almost always men) set off in a conversation that is actually just them talking at me.

I am so sorry, I do realise that sounds awful 😂

That’s really helpful actually, I’m kind of relieved it’s a “thing” and not just (or not only) him being a bellend

My ex FIL was like this. He was a total bore. Just talked and talked at people. If mil ever disagreed with him, he hit her ☹️.