Mums at the school gates

[tangerinemagic]

Moved to a new area and new school. DC is 5 and I’m surprised by the politics at the school gates.

One mum was almost in tears last night as she realised the annual trick or treat trail went ahead without her being informed of the time/meeting place. It was all a bit odd. I’ve known her for nearly two months, our DCs hit it off, she kept saying how nice Halloween is as they do a trail for around 7 of the parents, I should come, and she’d keep me posted only for it to end up being 2 of us. My DC has been friendly with a few of those children so we were excited too.

Apparently the mum organising had mentioned in passing she would plan as prior years, but every time mum in question messaged, the replies were, ‘no set plan’ or ‘yes we’ll be venturing out’. I was told yesterday the plans were a bit haphazard this year as the penny dropped and she realised she wasn’t kept in the loop.

We even bumped into the other group, everyone was polite, kids included, we tagged along for a bit then went our own way. I felt a bit sad for her child (and her) yet, selfishly, I also don’t want this to effect my DC integrating, my DC was quite happy for the short time with the group.

Now I feel back at school. Why not include everyone for something like trick or treating, max there would have been 9 parents. Was I just lucky during pre school and early years? It’s like the queen bee years all over again. I’’m hopeful we will find our tribe and be able to organise an after school party next year to mitigate all this nonsense.

Sounds like school. And just like school you still get the people who won’t say anything and are effectively complicit in the exclusion

Thats so childish, I would think extremely badly of anyone who did that. Ofcourse it’s not their kids fault. I wouldn’t be too quick to think it was just them rejecting her, they didn’t tell you either.

I wouldn’t basically start reaching out to the parents of children your DC gets along with and just ignore the other stuff. If theres only 7 of them then there are other parents in the class who may be more normal. But I wouldn’t focus on your kid, I’ve only made an effort with those my DD likes (pleasant to everyone, go to everyones birthdays etc).

Parent for 16 years

mix of private and state

never ever been aware of school gate cliques or drama

just on mumsnet

Anything stopping you from dropping her a line last night along the lines of “are you still coming?”

Well, we had a whole hoard of parents, kids, mum with baby carrier, mum with pram, dad, and sundry other characters descend on our house looking for goodies. I thought 'What a cheek'? Drew my curtains and locked the door. They soon cleared off. Not everyone wants a whole hoard of people coming down their drive. A couple of little children, with the parents waiting in the back ground, yes, but not in your face.

It seems to be what happens (often, not always) when people are thrown together in a group where they are stuck with each other to a certain extent for a time.

So school is like that, TV game shows can be like that, work places if not properly regulated can be like that. The extreme end of the scale is prisons, but of course that comes with violence added in!

I’m not sure what the answer is except trying not to care.

Definitely 5?

Trick or treating much more fun and less feral in a smaller group.

Not a reason to exclude someone but as they are only in Y1, it's possible they realised last year that the group was too large.
I wouldn't really call it an annual plan if this was only the second year.

Sounds like the organiser mum has some beef with your new friend. Best to stay out of it all.

It’s just people thrown together, some will make friends some won’t, there will be cliques, and people half in and half out, just like works and families.

The mum must be hurt to not be included, but she knows now, and needs to stretch and fin different people, as this group no longer consider her part of the group.

Well that’s weird

Why was our exchange deleted op?

Avoid all of it. What a load of nonsense.

I didn't "integrate" with school mum's at all. That isn't necessary for a kid to make friends

This is why I stay away from all school mums apart from 2 who are normal 😂. I stand at the school gate, look at my phone until my DS comes out (unless the other 2 normal mums are there), and then we go home. I have no desire to get involved with any of that nonsense. DS is luckily best mates with one of the normal mums sons, so that makes life easier!

God that's depressing behaviour. I think some people were in the popular clique at school and then get a kick out of repeating it again with the school mums. Just try and remember you are a grown woman, be friendly to everyone and rise above it!

Is it a small class because otherwise a group of seven isn’t a class meet up.

Even when parents don’t get on with each other at my school, if their children get on then they still invited because most people tend to be civil to one another.

It’s nursery, @tangerinemagic eldest is 2.5
But some reason made out at school
And when I pointed that out, left thread 😵‍💫

How big is the class? Was the group of 7 genuinely the rest of the class or just a group
of them?

We used to trick or treat in a big group but it got too much and this year we did a smaller number.

You know that ‘all school mums’ are just normal women. I bet you have colleagues and other friends who are school mums who you don’t avoid. Maybe if you think all the others are awful apart from a tiny number of people it could be you that’s the problem?

Exactly

Things like this are fluid. Throughout primary we’ve had years of 10/11 kids between us, 3/4 or even just DD and one friend.

What do you mean? For trick or treating specifically?

Yes I was talking about trick or treating specifically, but to be honest, even general friendships have followed a similar pattern.