Mums at the school gates

[tangerinemagic]

Moved to a new area and new school. DC is 5 and I’m surprised by the politics at the school gates.

One mum was almost in tears last night as she realised the annual trick or treat trail went ahead without her being informed of the time/meeting place. It was all a bit odd. I’ve known her for nearly two months, our DCs hit it off, she kept saying how nice Halloween is as they do a trail for around 7 of the parents, I should come, and she’d keep me posted only for it to end up being 2 of us. My DC has been friendly with a few of those children so we were excited too.

Apparently the mum organising had mentioned in passing she would plan as prior years, but every time mum in question messaged, the replies were, ‘no set plan’ or ‘yes we’ll be venturing out’. I was told yesterday the plans were a bit haphazard this year as the penny dropped and she realised she wasn’t kept in the loop.

We even bumped into the other group, everyone was polite, kids included, we tagged along for a bit then went our own way. I felt a bit sad for her child (and her) yet, selfishly, I also don’t want this to effect my DC integrating, my DC was quite happy for the short time with the group.

Now I feel back at school. Why not include everyone for something like trick or treating, max there would have been 9 parents. Was I just lucky during pre school and early years? It’s like the queen bee years all over again. I’’m hopeful we will find our tribe and be able to organise an after school party next year to mitigate all this nonsense.

I am always wary of the school groups as I have been ditched before in a similar way (suggesting an event only for 'friends' to book themselves tickets to sit together and only tell me after).
I think it's rude of them to have not told the other mum they were doing something different this time/wanted to go as a smaller group, especially as she asked them about the plans this year and wasn't just making assumptions about it.
I would tread carefully and be friendly with the mums, but be aware that the group will change over time.

9 kids is way too many for trick or treat. Would be chaos with children this age. Probably the organiser also thought this. She should have been up front but I would just breathe and let it go. We just go with our neighbour's family and I have no idea if it offends anyone. Tbh I just try to get it over and done with as quickly as possible and couldn't do this in a bigger group.

I know this is quite different, when I worked, I found being friendly to all and friends with none worked well for me! I saw all these close friendships form and I saw them implode…it was brutal! Be pleasant to everyone and I’m sure your child will find her own friends and in a few short years, you won’t need to be very involved at all.

It sounds like the mum
you went with was being excluded for some reason hence her being upset.

I’d proceed with caution. Try and stay friendly with everyone.

And was 10/11 kids doable? I’m going to plan early for things like this in future as it was somewhat ruined by the mood in camp once we got going, just two of us.

If you are specifically wanting a large group of 9 for a Halloween event then I would suggest hosting a party. I think having 4-5 kids crowding round a door is enough without then having more in the background shoving their way through their friends to grab something from a small tin. But maybe it is area dependant and large groups are the norm where you are.

I carnt think of anything worse than having so many kids at your door at the same time. When mine where younger I used to take them on my own or sometimes they invited one friend to come along. I don't even answer the door now due to large groups and teenagers it's stopped being fun.

10 kids going trick or treating together would be a nightmare! Definitely better in smaller groups - 4 or 5 max I'd say.

Why not include everyone for something like trick or treating, max there would have been 9 parents

Because its too big a group to manage easily?

We did this one year and ended up with two many of us and it was ridiculous, kids jostling on every door step to try and get sweets etc, overwhelming for the people answering the door. We all agreed smaller groups was better and split off, i think ideally you only want 4-6 kids together or it becomes like a feral pack.

I agree. Going out with a friend or two is nice but it’s just hectic for everyone when there’s a big bunch. We were part of a bigger group this year as a few ended up joining unexpectedly and I definitely prefer doing it with one or two others max

My daughter is 5

We did a group with only 6-7 kids and was a nightmare. The biggest problem is keeping the kids off roads as they were so overstimulated and hyper. The kids always tried to run ahead and there had to be someone to stop them rushing in front of oncoming cars or abruptly crossing the road in the dark. Most of the parents, especially the dads were lazy fucks and lingered at the very back of the group drinking, chatting and assuming someone was keeping an eye on the kids anyway. It's the exact sort of setup where a kid could easily get lost or injured. At one there was a random 4 year old in our group and I genuinely didn't know her, or gave a shit about wanting to keep an eye on her because DD and friends were constantly darting off as well. But I was essentially obliged to take care of her as well as all the other parents weren't even within sight.

10-11 kids would never be doable unless you have 2-3 designated "childminders" to keep an eye on them at all times, and those are the ones who don't get to socialise or chat at all. If you organise it, then you'll be stuck with that job. The problem with Halloween is that many parents see it as a party, just outdoors. It is quite cliquey because it comes down to which families get to meet up and go for a jolly walk drinking prosecco from paper cups.

Sounds vile. Remember those who associate with, support bullies and not very nice people are themselves vile too.
Insecure, bad parents that do their kids no favours. They'll be the ones selecting and prioritising certain friendships above others for mum preference, neglectful emotionally abusive scum that are horrible to their own kids.

Those things aren't mutually exclusive. Having a huge group by people's doors is indeed antisocial but i doubt that was the reason they didn't update her.

I think they can be the ones who struggled and were excluded at school themselves so they start excluding others to make themselves feel better. Definitely the case with social climbing ones that select friends depending on mums perception of status.