Ds13 doesn't like home

[Blyhdsh]

Ds13 has adhd and autism spectrum doesn't like being home. He told me. He rather spends his days outside with friends because i am always complaining and nagging. He doesn't feel he can relax at home.

This is true. It makes me feel very sad and guilty and a bad mum, but this is true. I constantly nag and complain. He is not doing well at school. He doesn't listen in class, talks and messes around with friends instead. He cheats with his homework. Scribbles pages full of unreadable gibberish and pretends he did his work but just cant read his own handwriting. His grades are just above fail. If i don't nag and pretty much push him put of the door, he would never make it to school on time. Ive been to the school twice this term already for an intervention.

At home he doesnt do any chores unless forced. And i do force him. I am a single working mum of 2 boys and can't do all the chores myself. And i dont think i should. His responsibilities are keeping his room clean, tidying up his own messes and taking recycling out. Thats it. Thats all i ask. But its always a nag and a fight.

The consequences of not doing school work or chores is always loosing phone/ screen time. I always keep my word and take it away but he always screams and shouts when its taken away. He has always screamed the whole house down if something upsets him. This is nothing new, but i thought he would be over it by now. But no. Still screams. Maybe it is an autistic meltdown. I dont know.

Rewards dont work. Schedules dont work. Having something nice to 'earn' doesnt interest him. Its either full on nagging battle, or he just doesnt do anything other than mess around with friends. He is a friendly sociable sporty boy. Loving also. But we are constantly fighting. Calm talks have him agree to do something. He is very good at saying yes, yes, yes i will do better, take more responsibility, be on time for school, but then nothing. Nothing changes.

I just have no other tools to cope with him. Please help! His friends are ok, i have no concerns with that, but i just dont want to push him put of the house like this. What can i do?!

You are giving clear bounderies and your ds doesn't like it.
Maybe other people back off if he has a meltdown over decisions he doesn't like.
It's strange how all the experts on autism and ADHD say that clear predictable boundaries are the best thing and yet many of the parents/ teachers of these children back off and make excuses when the going gets a little tough.
Stick to your guns. You really are instilling the best values. There will come a time when your efforts are appreciated, but it might be a few more years yet!

I don't think your boundaries are wrong but it would be good for home to be a calmer place. I found the book "10 days to a less defiant child" really helpful. Stopped me losing my temper with mine so much.
No one is happy in an environment where they feel they are hearing negative comments all the time (even if we feel they are deserved!) Young people with adhd hear so many criticisms every day, and often have very low self esteem.

Chin up and keep going OP, you are doing a brilliant job and he will appreciate it one day, when he is able to maintain a relationship because of the standards you have put in place.

It is exhausting though. I have to nag mine to do the basics too, and he's NT.

I think it's just teenage boys. Or teenagers as a whole. Drive you to distraction.

Look on the bright side. In three years you can offer him the choice of doing as you ask or leaving, and then he will realise how much he values his home.

Maybe time for a change of approach? Instead of nagging, have a whiteboard in the kitchen with chores/responsibilities for each family member so that there's no excuses. Then you can say once 'You need to do X today' and if it's not done, there will be a consequence. Then leave him to it but follow through with the consequence if chore is not done. If he likes to be out with his mates, I would ground him for the evening if he hasn't completed his homework/chores to a reasonable standard. Tell him he's growing up and you are trying to prepare him for adulthood and that you won't be nagging him any more but that you expect him to live up to his responsibilities just as you do. 13 is a difficult age even without his other challenges and it can be difficult for teens to organise their time - keep plugging away and it will get easier as he gets older 💐

I've done this. He hates the list. Doesn't refer to it. In the end i remind him=nag and he has a tantrum. Then he either does it and screams the whole time how unfair it is. Or he doesnt, there's a consequence, and he screams how unfair it is. This happens over and over again.

I myst be doing something wrong. My younger ds is nt. He is so much simpler to parent. He learns and implements with occasional tantrums. Ds13 never really just complies.

How much understanding do you have of the way in which ADHD and autism affect your son? For example, does he struggle with executive function? I'd guess that he does. I'd also guess that he takes longer to process information and finds it difficult to keep up in class so messes around as an avoidance or masking technique. Obviously that has a knock on effect with homework, he can't do it because he simply doesn't know what he's supposed to do. He probably has time blindness too. He also probably cannot articulate how he feels.

You need to work out strategies that will help with the areas he particularly struggles with. For instance, a lot of us (ND) find that having a body double helps us to start and accomplish tasks. Nagging us just makes us feel like shit basically because we know we're struggling but we also struggle to do something about it. Likewise shouting and consequences; they have no effect because we literally cannot help the way our brains work.

I highly recommend following ADHD Love on IG. They've also created a body doubling app called dubbii.

What’s a body double? Just curious

It's where you have another person working alongside you to keep you motivated, focused and accountable. The other person doesn't actually have to be doing much, just their presence can help. It really works too!

Don't nag too much, let him do the recycling, and few other tasks
Let him concentrate on his sports and interests which will keep him involved in his own life later on....having great or top marks is not the end of it all and perhaps you can find some balance around those things too. I actually appreciate the fact he tries to write something, lol. Would you prefer that he did not write at all

I suggest you find him an English tutor to work with him around comprehension ....this once mastered might make him interested in some actual academic subjects. You cannot like what you don't understand

Is your son medicated? What support does he get from school or CAMHS to help him manage his day? Have you been to parenting courses for ND children?

Im adhd mum.
If he is misbehaving in school then he gets grounded for everytime for x number of days.
If chores aren't done then phone gets locked out and he cant use it.
If he does team sports and he is grounded I make them contaxt the coach to explain why they wont be playing matches or make training

People with ADHD and autism often have issues with executive functioning. We can say we'll do X (and mean it) but the reality is that doing X is actually impossible for us unless we have a lot of support.

As a PP said, "doubling" can work really well though it's not much help for you as it means you have to be "there" while he does his chores. Routine is also a big one that helps - doing the same things at the same time everyday means things become more second-nature and we don't worry as much about getting it wrong, or about finding it too difficult.

Punishment and reward also won't work as when we feel like we can't do something, our brains almost freeze and no amount of threat or bribery makes any difference. Being shouted at when I can't do what I'm being asked just makes me want to either melt down, or shut down. It doesn't make me suddenly have the ability to do "the thing".

You're not a shit parent, though - ND is difficult. I have autism and DH has ADHD. I also have an autistic parent (and a NT one) and even now I'm almost 40, we're still learning about what we can and cannot do. Be kind to yourself.

Hello. Together with other posters' good advice about looking into different strategies to approach parenting your son - who you've said many really lovely things about too and who sounds like a great kid with lots of talents and positive attributes (loving, sporty, great friend) - please please be careful of curating a 'golden child' syndrome with your NT youngest. Parenting a child/ tween with ND requires many adjustments, and your DS WILL be hearing 1000s of negative messages / struggling with peer judgements if he can't write well / getting on wrong side of teachers etc. Your NT younger DS will be outshining him too on so many levels with the chores / better regulation, that this will just be another source of pain and distress to your DS13. Please please reconsider your "punishmnents" as the correct approach. And DEFINITELY don't punish by removing screens from ND tweens like this - it's a real source of regulation for them. So you are actually shooting yourself in the foot again here.

I’m an adhd mum too, and I agree strong boundaries are needed.

If you don’t do your chores then no internet, if you don’t do your homework then no internet… rinse and repeat. My adhder could lounge around all day and not do anything. All fine and great but he needs to learn to do things, adhd is hard, but so is life and working for others.

Mines a little older than yours, but I tell him the jobs he has to do and when they need to be done by and if not, I give one reminder and then turn the internet off. It saves all the nagging and drama, which we had a couple of years ago.

Have a look at Dr Russell Barkley, particularly about not becoming your child’s dopamine.

should add too, that a GCSE tutor seems to have helped, and the promise of money for revision also seems to be working. Basically bribery.

It feels like your brain is disabled. Unable to do what others can do. No shouting, rewards or punishments will ever take that away. We live in the right now. A lot of us can barely manage ourselves as adults let alone as children. Having someone constantly angry or disappointed in you because your brain is like a sieve is really stressful, which makes everything else harder.

Get your kid into more sports, it sounds like that’s where he would thrive and get some much needed praise.

I don't think many 13 year olds are keen on chores, to the point of not needing to be nagged to do them. I think I'd reduce it down to emptying his own bin/bringing dishes down/laundry in basket. Keeping your room tidy is too vague, and never ending. Clean it on a Friday (or whatever) is easier to stick to.
Find stuff he's interested in you can join in with/talk about, to make the relationship feel better.
Around 16 he's more likely to care about how his room looks for himself.

I don't know anything about parenting ND kids but would advise to pick your battles where possible. Don't get drawn into arguments about things which don't really matter. Eg close his bedroom door so you don't see the mess and tackle it once a week rather than having a daily row. If body doubling is a useful technique maybe change his chores to stuff he can do alongside you or his sibling? You're doing well being consistent and fair, despite his protests.

Also, moving, get them up
and moving, walking to and from school, sports and gym, whatever he enjoys, but I find the phone and devices disabled him more, and dysregulates them more when they have to come off.
Also, has he been screened for dyslexia? Because they are so connected.

Absolutely.

No amount of nagging, or shouting, or bribery, is going to get rid of his neurodiversity. You need to work with his conditions, not try and fight against them.

Thank you for all the suggestions!
-I have attended an ND parenting course.
-We tried a few different medications but they caused him insomnia and we all struggled even more as a result
-School offers support
-He likes history, re, biology, geography and sports. He could do well with these but forgets to revise.

Im not pushing for amazing grades. Just dont wnt him to fail subjects. And dont/cant keep up with the housework on my own.

Tonight my younger ds is away, so im thinking ds13 and i could have a nice evening by ourselves. Let ds choose treats, movie or a game.. And have a nice nag-free time together. I realise im in some ways the problem here too. I want to do well by him and make him feel cherished..

You sound like a lovely parent OP. I'm sure you're doing a great job :)

I would say the most important thing is working WITH his conditions where possible - so if he doesn't respond to lists, maybe he'd respond to doubling, or getting the information another way - pictures, video etc.

I really struggle to take in information when I'm being spoken to, for example, but if I can read it, it's fine. DH is the opposite - he prefers being told or shown.

OP - I think u rock !! 😊

He learns well by listening. If only he could focus and stop playing around 🙁 I have been doing this body doubling as long as i remember without knowing what it is. I often whf or cook when hes doing his homework in the kitchen.

I will go and pick him up from a friends house in half an hour. He was really happy when i said we'd do treats and movie night. I promise all of you and myself that tonight i will NOT nag about any single thing.

Doesn't feel like it but thank you ❤️