To think some people don’t want help, they want attention?

[SympathySaturationFox]

You offer solutions. They ignore them. Again and again. It’s not support they want, it’s sympathy and an audience.

I would say that applies to about 99% of the population.

Definitely

Yes. Leave them to it. I'm happy to provide a sounding board for people to work out solutions for themselves but when they refuse to take any action and carry on complaining I draw the line, it just feels like enabling.

It depends on the extent of the behaviour but not everything can be fixed and sometimes practical solutions isn't what people are looking for. I remember from when my partner died that some people are natural "doers" and always wanted to be offering something practical or suggesting how I might be happier, now or in future. There's a place for that, but sometimes when you're struggling you just want to be heard and comforted (or given "attention, sympathy and an audience" as you so kindly put it), and there's nothing wrong with that, that's valid help too.

Well yes. Attention is actually a human need.

Fortunate peolpe had plenty of it as a child and get enough in their realtionships as adults. Others need more than seems reasonable.

In childhood behaviour management we talk about attention needs rather than attention seeking these days.

Absolutely. People usually know what to do themselves, and they’re often not asking for advice or practical help. Sometimes listeners don’t grasp that and get frustrated when, as they perceive it, the person complaining or worrying out loud about something is rejecting their well-meant advice or solution. Whereas in fact the person with the problem just wants to be heard/seen/validated.

I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. But then I don’t see attention-seeking as the ultimate sin, the way a considerable proportion of Mners do.

It depends really on the situation. I think you should be able to talk to a friend or family about what's going on in your life without them trying to find a solution, I dont think its attention seeking to expect someone to just listen. If youve had the same conversation 10 times thats different though. Some people are incredibly patronising when they are confided in. Like if something is a big issue in your life and you are constantly trying to work it out, and you share your trouble with someone, they spend about 10 seconds processing and say'oh have you tried X', expecting a big thank you for resolving a massive issue that you were to stupid to resolve yourself. That is infuriating and usually leads to the person who is struggling no longer communicating. Some problems are not fixable and sometimes people just need to talk and share.

Is it so terrible to want some attention and sympathy? We’re a social species, we’re not meant to go through life alone like robots. Supporting people means listening and being present for them, not just giving them the answers so they can sort themselves out and leave you alone.

Is attention so bad?

Most people. Including me.
Gets tedious sometimes. Spent all day yesterday listening to a friend complain she has no money. She works part time in a creative profession. Has no children. I just said mmmmm and nodded.

Everyone needs attention and empathy sometimes. I think the difference I meant is when it becomes a pattern, where someone o only wants comfort but never wants to actually change anything. There’s nothing wrong with needing support, it just becomes draining when listening turns into enabling.

Attention’s not bad, it’s just meant to be mutual. When it only flows one way, it stops feeling like connection.

You can stop being the lifeboat for someone who is happy to continue floundering and refusing to get in.

So your aibu is more aibu to not want to be a sounding board for the same issue several times? In which case YANBU.

I get annoyed when I'm venting and people offer solutions. I have preceded my vent with "I just need to vent". That's when I need you to say mmm and nod.

But they’re often not asking you to be the lifeboat. They’re asking to be listened to and sympathised with.

Welllll, you sound nice OP!

What is wrong with giving people sympathy, audience and attention? Most people need support. They prefer to find their own solutions.

It seems "these people" should ask someone else.

Exactly, that’s the distinction I was trying to get at. Venting is totally fair when someone’s clear about it. It’s when people say they want help but actually just want the vent loop on repeat that it gets tricky.

Some people yes don’t want solutions just an ear

other people me included find this quite bizarre - why on earth do you want to moan and not have a solution ? Why refuse the lifeboat ? Why keep repeating that you hate being in the cold water ? Why is sympathy better than a lifeboat ?

It’s called the “yes but..” game

interestingly you are a player in the game too - people like you describe will always find someone who loves to offer solutions

there is a “pay off” for both of you

This!

Yes some people want a bit of attention not all attention is negative, sometimes a sympathetic noise of "thats awful" or "that must be difficult" is beneficial, you don't have to. Offer solutions and then be irritated, when they don't do as you suggest,

I am meaning the general you, not targeting the op.

Nothing wrong with sympathy at all, everyone needs it. I just meant when it becomes a one-way street that never moves forward. There’s a difference between supporting someone and being their emotional dumping ground every week for the same issue.

Maybe for some people, sympathy feels safer than change. The lifeboat means you have to row somewhere new and that’s harder than floating where you are.

Then you need to disengage for your own peace of mind. Just nod along if they can't or won't change the situation.

Some people just want someone to listen.

Also some people who think they are offering solutions think they are helping but they are not and get all hurt and wounded when told the person has already tried all of those things and they didn’t work for xyz reason - suddenly they’re ignoring solutions and wanting attention!