To think some people don’t want help, they want attention?

[SympathySaturationFox]

You offer solutions. They ignore them. Again and again. It’s not support they want, it’s sympathy and an audience.

So OP, are you looking for support and attention here or a solution? Because the obvious solution would be to stop listening.

Or do you just want to complain, like these people? The irony....

This is where clear communication is important.
”Friend, I know this is really shit for you. I feel quite powerless to help. What is it you need from me? Is it just somebody to listen?”
They will probably say yes to that.
In which case the mental burden of really trying to come up with a solution has been lifted from you, and you have full permission to respond with sympathetic facial expressions and words including: mmhmm, oh no, gosh, really, is that so, oh dear … and so on.
They can’t expect anything more from you than that, you have been upfront about not being able to help. If all they really want is a listening ear, you are providing.
Eventually after a few rounds of monologuing they will probably fizzle out.

eta: you need to protect your time with this approach. Only give as much time as you can comfortably handle.

I had a friend who became so used to wallowing in her comfortable, muddy pit, that she refused any help to get out because it was familiar, even if it was unpleasant. She learned to live with it. I felt as if I was there just to listen.

There’s nothing actually wrong with that. Sometimes you just want a shoulder or ear, you don’t want a solution. If they are specifically asking for a solution that’s different but it’s annoying if you’re looking for support and a sympathetic ear and all you get is, well do this or do that! (Which is my sister and it can come across as abrupt and unempathetic).

Thing is I find it hard to feel sympathy for someone who just wants sympathy and isn’t interested in solutions because I think if you are not interested in a solutions you can’t really be that upset , just wallowing in self pity

I know not all problems are solvable and that’s fine

If you’re becoming their emotional dumping ground every week then it’s time to take a step back. Don’t be so available, and when you do see them, put some boundaries in place - “I’m not feeling so great today so I really don’t want to talk about XYZ (your problems). Let’s keep it light and simple chit chat”.

Yes we have one of these people at work. Constantly complaining about medical issues but doesn’t ever take up the well intentioned advice of everyone in the office (e.g address the high sugar diet - coke and sweets for breakfast) engage in something that gets them outside in fresh air rather than cooped up at office then home. Simple swaps that could make them feel better and quite frankly be nicer to be around. But we are stuck with the cycle of inaction and moaning.

There's a difference between someone needing a moan or a vent for whatever reason, and the kind of people who think that their problems (imagined or real) are the center of the universe and expect everyone else to feel the same way.

Oh!

Maybe I just needed to vent about venting. Consider the irony fully embraced.

Accord to the OP, while she is prepared to be a lifeboat, being mistaken for a dead horse to be endlessly flogged is less attractive. (Yes, yes, my metaphors).

At some point, if a person is unhappy with a situation, they either make a change and accept or enlist friends assistance or they put up and shut up (ie accept that the life they have now is what it is because of a reluctance to stake steps to change) because finding comfort in wallowing is less comfortable when you are wallowed in (that’s the OP).

OP is well within her rights to say “You are unhappy for x reason. I have tried to be of assistance but have been rebuffed often. Should you ever decide to make a change, I am at your convenience. As I value our relationship, perhaps until then we should only discuss spring flowers” or something similarly innocuous.

I think it depends on what they’re “complaining” about. If it’s something practical where there’s an obvious solution (e.g. “I have a sore back” “You should see a doctor”) and they don’t actually do anything about it, that’s incredibly annoying.

If it’s more like they’re upset because they’re lonely after someone has died, say, and you’re offering solutions like “Join my gym class” or “Take up a hobby”, then I think you need to appreciate that the problem they talk about is possibly not the actual root problem, and sometimes they just need a listening ear and a hug rather than “advice”.

I think most people will cut someone slack when they are reacting to a life event and need to process it through talking. However, it becomes Groundhog Day when it’s their normal circumstances they moan about but make no attempt to change, are you supposed to listen sympathetically to the moaning ad infinitum?

Yes @TheNameOfTheDaisysomeone dying isn’t what I would think of as a problem that can be solved

I think that’s the distinction - empathy’s meant to help people move through something, not stay stuck in it forever.

Exactly. But it can also give rise to things like loneliness, which do seem like things that can be solved, and sometimes people get very frustrated that someone who’s recently widowed won’t join their book club or whatever because they see that as a solution to the loneliness. The person who’s grieving may well have so many emotions going on that they don’t know what’s wrong, so they say they’re lonely but it’s actually shorthand for all these other things that they can’t put a name to.

Depends on the situation.

My best friend says to me "do you want solutions or just to vent". Because sometimes I just need to talk through something rather than have people throw solutions at me that I then have to argue as to why they won't work and all I actually want at that time is someone to listen and sympathise.

If you are in solution mode and she is in venting mode then you're probably both equal frustrated. You need to work out the mode before responding.

Ah, it’s the daily AI bot scraping word salad nonsense. Don’t bother guys.

It's okay to ask someone whether they need advice or just an ear when they're sharing. (It's also okay, if needed for your own sanity, to let someone know that you understand they're struggling with X, but since the advice hasn't been heeded and/or you've already been the ear several times, it's just not a space you can hold for them any more. Aka, there are polite & caring ways of saying enough is enough, even if it makes them bristle a bit at first. It's a great way to hold up the mirror to them!)

Yes of course. There are so many problems in life which there really aren’t any valid solutions to. When someone is in a situation like this they want sympathy and validation, not someone constantly sniping at them ‘have you tried this …’.

It’s worth trying to properly listen to what someone is saying. There is a difference between someone saying things are tough for them right now, and someone actively asking for your help with their problems. People may complain that someone hasn’t taken their advice, but often it wasn’t asked for in the first place.

Yes, I remember the last conversation I had with someone like this. She told me 2 weeks before last Christmas, she didn't have any money for food. I asked how come, as she was working part time, claimed UC and and the ex paid support? She explained that she'd spent all her money on very expensive presents for the kids. I suggested taking them back and only spend what she could afford, so she'd have enough for food. She said that she wouldn't do that, as she wants the kids to have an amazing Christmas! I explained that if she didn't want to take them back, then she'd have to find a food bank for groceries. She stared at me intently then left. She clearly didn't want logical advice. At that time we were on a very low income and the children didn't get much for Christmas after the bills and groceries were paid for. So I really didn't understand her logic. Presents come last in this house, after all the bills!

That’s me. Unemployed and looking for work. No one can offer a solution. I know what I need to do, and am doing so. It is dehumanising and gruelling. I am very, very low.
I am so thankful for my friends and family who are helping me get through this very uncertain time. I don’t like it, but I recognise I do need some attention from those who love and care for me. I will go completely under otherwise

Yes, I've been guilty of this - both as the complainer and as the audience - and I've lost a good friend as a result. It was a hard lesson and a mistake I won't be making again.

More likely they just want to talk/vent. But no, generally people don't take advice unless it's what they already want to do.

No need to be annoyed about it, you are most probably the same

Attention is not a bad thing to want.