Am I right to think I’m not in a position to date?

[Harn]

So this year I’ve been to three weddings and started a new job. I must have been asked 30+ times if I’m single. A fair few people will say things like “why not, pretty girl like you blah blah”.

I just say it’s not what I want right now. But the truth is it’s not really a choice. I have terrible mental health. Extremely bad generalised anxiety and depression. Plus I’m in recovery from an eating disorder which has its ups and downs (I’m in a down phase right now).

I’m 30 and sure there are aspects of a relationship I miss. But I have zero spare capacity. I can’t imagine having to factor another variable into my life. I need simplicity. Relationships set my anxiety into overdrive and it’s just not something I can do right now.

I was speaking to my mum and she basically said you don’t want to be left on the shelf. And that many people with mh struggles date. I’m being far too rigid.

It just made me question whether I am being too black and white. My mh struggles are not under control. I regularly break down in tears. I don’t want to share my issues with anyone or make anyone have to take them on in a way.

im quite literally a classic case of a high achiever who has crashed and burned.

I can only do what feels right. I can’t imagine adding a bf into the mix.

I think it sounds like you’re not in a position to date right now. People seem to be obsessed with single people needing to couple up. Ignore them.

It’s entirely up to you, I would ignore the pressure from others and focus on what you want.

I hope you get out of the down and back to the ups soon. 💐

I want to be able to say “look, I’m human. Obviously I crave intimacy and companionship but my mental health is piss poor and a bf will only exacerbate that”. Instead I’m sort of forced to put on this fake excuse of it’s not what I want. It feels like a knife in the gut. Even my mum’s best friend who has never married and does not centre men has asked me the status of my dating life. I would’ve expected her to not behave the same as everyone else

I think you are making a sensible decision for your own life. I don't understand why other people get so obsessed with other people's lives. Relationships absolutely can bring joy to a person's life but they can also bring a lot of stress and hurt and you really don't need that right now.

I think you are being really sensible of your own well-being. As well as, thoughtful to others.
I’ve made the mistake of dating, without giving myself time to heal, and get comfortable in my current provision.

she basically said you don’t want to be left on the shelf.

Do you want to be taken into a home you hate?

If I was your mum I'd be worried about the possibility of you meeting someone who might take advantage of your vunerable present state. Bring "left on the shelf" isn't a thought that would occur to me at all.

Hope you can successfully work through the issues you're having and find a happy space to exist in OP. X

Sympathies, I've also had mh troubles in the past and completely understand how adding a boyfriend would exacerbate them when you're still struggling at the moment. Honestly if ignore everyone who's trying to guilt you into finding someone. No relationship is going to work if you can't put in 100%. You need to focus on getting yourself better and only then will a boyfriend be good for you if you want one. You're only 30, I didn't meet DH til I was 35 and we ended up married and now have a 3 year old 😊 please don't let other people try and force you into doing stuff you're not ready for 💐

Don't do anything you don't want to do and remember you do not owe anyone an explanation for being single. Unfortunately women always receive much more intrusive questions about their personal life than men. You don't sound like you're in the right space to date right now and prioritising your health is the right thing to do.

Literally all you can do with these persistent offenders is tell them, coldly and clearly, to mind their own business. They do not have any right at all to comment on your choices about your romantic life. It's making you uncomfortable. Just tell them so, draw the boundary and hold it.

Fwiw I think you're making the right decision. I am in the grip of an eating disorder also (Binge Eating Disorder) and I realised recently the only times in my life it has eased was when I was living alone (or in shared accommodation with strangers e.g. student halls). If you are an anxious person and an over thinker and a people pleaser, living in intimacy with other people is enormously stressful and draining (which is not to discount that it can also be very fulfilling!). You know what you need.

And "left on the shelf" is a disgusting misogynistic term from the olden days. Tell your mum she's showing her age.

You’re far too young for anyone to be telling you that you’ll be left on the shelf.
You do right focussing on yourself. A relationship takes effort to make it worthwhile so stepping away from that pressure is sensible.
Having been in a relationship with someone with really poor MH at times, it’s a very lonely place when your supposed partner has no bandwidth to consider your needs because theirs are all consuming. It would be unfair to you both to get involved with anyone now.

My mum is definitely a closeted misogynist. Does male vs female portions etc

Thanks to everyone who has wished me well x

Hugs, OP. Are you getting any support? SSRIs, counselling?

I did meet my DH at a time I was struggling with my mental health, thankfully he’s a wonderful man and helped me a lot. He put me on the path to getting the above support and sort of gently encouraged it when I struggled. So I dont necessarily believe you can’t date when your MH is poor, but similarly it’s you and your life and how you feel about it, and so its literally nobody’s business other than your own 🩷

It sounds like focusing on yourself is the best thing right now. It’s a shame that all these people constantly asking still think it’s ok to comment. I met my partner when I was 32 and for a good few years before that I was happily single. Didn’t look for a man, didn’t online date etc, just enjoyed spending time with friends, me time and focusing on work. But the amount of people over the years who would ask why I’m single, why I don’t have a man etc, made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I remember once (I was about 27) a friends mum saying something along the lines of “what are you playing at girl, you’re wasting your best years being single, what’s up with you, why don’t you have a man?” I responded with “why don’t you get a divorce?” She was really confused and asked what I meant by that, and I said “Well you’ve assumed I’m unhappy being single, so I’m just making an assumption about you too, and assuming you’re unhappy to be married.” She thought I was being weird, but I was just so fed up of those sort of comments!

I think you are doing the right thing. I wish more people would do the same. I would wait until you feel like your mental health is in a better place before dating. Many don’t and end up in relationships with shady, narcissistic, downright evil people as a result who will probably exacerbate their underlying MH condition. Why chance it?

I think you sound really sensible. You’re a smart woman and you’re prioritising your own wellbeing, focusing on getting yourself back to a place where you’ll have room for relationships again. I wouldn’t want to focus on dating if I was going through the sorts of things you’re going through right now either.

You know what does/doesn’t feel right for you. It doesn’t matter what your mum (or anyone else) thinks! If you don’t feel like you want to date at the moment, don’t date. You know your own mind and your mother needs to mind her own business.

'Left on the shelf'?? Who died and made your mum Jane Austen?

You are doing the best thing for you, concentrating on yourself. Why put yourself through the whole dating process (which can be brutal!) and put more stress on yourself?

I'd advise a cat or a dog if you're able to have one. Best therapy devices ever and far better than a partner.

I agree that the added pressure might be too much right now, but if you meet the right person, it can do wonders. Regular sex, cuddles, company and someone to talk to about your problems can be a wonderful thing. But you do need quite a thick skin to handle the rejection that can sometimes come with dating.

Do what is best for your head and stay single at the moment. Whilst there are decent folk about post 30 the closer to 40 the harder it is to pair up with a good bloke. So concentrate on yourself for a year or two and then revisit how you feel about dating.

Op hugs to all you’re going through. ‘Left on the shelf’ is a myth, especially given the high rate of divorce. I believe the later you meet someone the more likely you’ll be to stay with them as you change so much in teens/ twenties/ thirties. Hope things work out well for you

That’s what my mum is thinking when she advises me against another relationship or even dating. I’d like companionship/romance/whatever too but I know she’s right. You are the only person who can decide if dating is for you at the moment and it sounds like you know it’s not.

If you’re not in control of your Mh I think you’re very sensible and emotionally intelligent in choosing not to date. It could both harm you from recovering and could seriously affect someone else’s health if they took it all on.

Your mum is probably just being selfish because she wants grandkids or she hopes a relationship would ‘fix’ your ill health.

But you know that you need to prioritise yourself to get better. And that’s what you’re doing. I commend you.

You show insight into your state of mind, and to make helpful decisions for yourself now. You know what you need. That to me suggests a very good prospect of improvement in your MH in future.

And if I had a pound for every time I’ve said on here ‘You’re not in the right headspace to date at the moment’, I’d be rolling.

Best wishes, OP.💐

You need to sort yourself out.

unless you luck out with some kind of knight in shining armour, it’s very likely that dating will just bring more stress and uncertainty and most probably unsuitable types.

Work put what you want in life and implement what’s needed. Then consider dating.