To feel sad that DC miss out because I don’t do a lot of school pickups

[InsolentAnnie]

I don’t think they miss out by having their grandparents, who they adore, pick them up three out of the five days. But because I’m only there for two of them, I seem to miss all the mum socialising at the school gate stuff - with the result being that I don’t know many of the other mums, and my kids end up missing out on social activities outside of school. I try really hard to build up relationships - they moved schools a few months ago, and the youngest seems to have found a lovely little friendship group, and I’m trying to get to know the other mums. But then I find out that the mums are doing stuff with the kids outside of school, and my DC hasn’t been invited, and then I feel really crap about it all. I’d love to get to know the other mums too, but in six months I’ve only managed to sort two meet-ups with one other child and mum because people just keep saying they’re busy - but they’re all seeing each other. Nobody seems to have any issues with me or my DC and teachers say they get on well with the other kids. Can’t help feeling that if I didn’t work as much I’d be there and able to talk to the others.

I pick my DS up 5 days a week and still haven’t made any mum friends at the gate. I find a lot of them actually already know eachother probably through older siblings or from preschool.

I made a good mum friend through nursery but I met her at a birthday party, not pick up.

Can you volunteer to help with the school? I only do one pick up a week but was the class rep for our PTA last year and it made a huge difference in terms of getting to know parents. Do you have a class/year WhatsApp group? A parent has just used ours to organise drinks in a couple of weeks time which is a great opportunity to chat to people.

I do every pick up and partner does every drop off, I have one school run 'friend', her kid has been to mine but not mine to hers, and we don't really socialise outside of the school run though we are fb friends

There are a grand total of 3 others I am friends with on FB so know their names, but only one I really chat to (as we walk the same way and our kids are close), and 2 more I always say hi to and exchange pleasantries with in passing but don't know names (know the kids names)

It was similar for my eldest, though 3 of us are friends on FB and chat a few times a year but nothing more than that

Partner has made absolutely zero parent friends despite doing the drop off daily for years, no one he even talks to on the school run

Dh and I have done literally every school run ever (ours are Y8 and Y3 now). We are friends with other parents - by that I mean, we have each other’s numbers to organise stuff for the kids and we chat at various events. But I definitely don’t talk to anyone at the school gates

You’re there twice a week, which is more than many parents. Just figure out who the friends’ parents are, introduce yourself and exchange numbers. Then you can offer a play date. Unless they are little (5 and under), most parents are thrilled to have someone entertain their child for a few hours. And if grandparents are willing, they can do it too. My dc have gone on lots of play dates with a grandparent facilitating because a parent was working. There are a few grandparents whose numbers I have and they message me directly to arrange things because it’s easier for them having a friend over as they don’t have to do so much.

I dont think it makes much difference. I was there for 99% of pick ups. I got to know a few mums but it was only talking in the playground relationship. No play dates or meeting in the holidays came out of this despite me initiating. And there only seemed one or two friendships in the class which did meet outside school.

I also only did two school pick ups a week but I made friends from the endless birthday parties we took them too throughout reception where you have to stay with them. How old are your DC?

There was also a class WhatsApp and a separate dads chat and people organised drinks etc so everyone got to know each other. Do you have anything like that or could you set something up?

You could try organising a meet up in the holidays, e.g. park / soft play / bowling depending on age of kids etc.
Also good idea to join PTA, gets you closer to the school and you'll meet people that way too.

In my experience it depends on the class and the parents. I've parented two kids through primary. One class is a quagmire of jealousy and cliques. Hate it. Was all about who was at the school gates.
Other DCs year group are lovely.

As a teacher, I picked up my DC on maybe 3 occasions in the whole of primary. They had to go to after school club 5 days a week, where they made friends with kids from other classes and year groups and mostly had a great time. We had the holidays together and always spoke about that was how we had balance.

It certainly meant that I knew very few of the other parents, and those I did know were through church.

I think you are overthinking the importance of the school run. Parents generally socialise with those they already know, from outside school, older siblings, living in the same area, it's very hard to infiltrate within the short time of waiting for your child to come out and make friendly chat that goes any further.
Most parents at my kids school are polite if you talk to them, but there are established groups too. If my child wants to invite a friend to something then the easiest way is to send a message to the parent. The children don't become cut off simply because parents aren't friends.

I think it’s more likely because you’re new to the school. I’ve made a wonderful group of friends via the school run but that took a long time to establish. I already knew one from afar so we gravitated towards each other in reception then as our children formed friendships, others gradually joined. Now we are a tight knit group who do socialise together with and without our children. We would obviously be friendly and welcoming if anyone new came to the school but I don’t think they would immediately become part of our friendship group without some time and figuring out if we gel/have things in common.

Before Covid I only did 2/5 pickups and DH did none. I only started doing more because of WFH over covid.
Your school must be quite unusual if most of the mums pick up every day, in our school it’s a mixture of mums, dads, grandparents, and some going to after school club

My daughter never made any friends in the school gate , it is all English and Polish

People massively overthink this stuff: so many posts on here from people convinced theres a “clique” of school mums. It’s an illusion.

I did literally a handful of primary school pickups because my child was dropped off and collected by a childminder up until year five (before COVID). It never did any harm either to my child’s social life or mine: my DD made good friends at primary school some of whom she’s kept up with (now in year ten) and I still catch up with the mums.

Pickups aren’t particularly sociable: the majority of parents are rushing off and not hanging around and the majority of friendships made during this period are based on convenience. As your child makes friends the parents will contact you, its not necessary or desirable for you to live in each other’s pockets. Some parents may go on to become friends, most won’t. But you will drive yourself crazy worrying about something you can’t control if you fixate on this. In the end it makes no difference whatsoever.

I do everything possible to avoid as many school runs as I can and ensure those are so are quick. My children still get invited to loads of things.

I was just to say; very unusual for most mums to be doing every pickup. Are you sure? Do you live somewhere very rural?

I suspect that not all the people picking up are actually mums.

Maybe because we are in England 🤣

I seldom to never did pick ups, but I knew who her friends were and texted the mums to organise stuff, it never occurred to me I had to be their mate,

Lots of other parents will be working too. Many kids are picked up by grandparents, childminders or go to after school clubs. It makes it all a little more difficult to form connections with other parents but it won't really tdamage your DC's social life. Just be friendly when you're there. Encourage your DC to have a wide circle of friends.

This. Most women work now, I think it’s like 70 or 80 percent, the op won’t be in the minority.

This is the best and most honest response. you are a cliquey bunch and anyone coming to the school will really struggle to become your friend, you need to assess if they “gel”, that is are of your type/tribe, and I am sure you organise things among your kids and never ever would invite any new kid joining a class.
that’s what is probably happening to the OP kids, they ended up in one of these classes so no chance they would invite them for activities or play dates, they are all “too busy”.
the good thing is there is nothing to do with not doing pick ups, the bad thing is it will be very hard for her kid to fit it

People are allowed to be groups of friends. If this was a workplace or university it would just be a group of friends and not a clique. For some reason school mums have to become friends with every single person they see at the school gates.

Yes of course people can have group of friends. But if parents only organise play dates with the classmates who are kids of their friends, are too busy fir any other play date, even the birthdays are just with the kids of their friends (which not necessarily are the friends of the kids!) this is cliquey.
in my eldest daughter class there is a group of parents who go often out together also on holidays, two of the girls are very close friends of mine and she is invited to play dates, bdays etc, they are friendly with me and let me know about Halloween tours etc if we want to go along, they actually post things in the class chat (not everything of course!) , as they often organise with a good group of kids already so they just extend. A new girl joined in y3 and she got invited to all bdays, parents really made an efforts as they knew she was new.
my other daughter is in a class with a cliquey set of parents. It is a relatively large group (7 kids). Kids just have play dates, bdays, events with each others, no one else seems to be invited. My daughter says she is very close with a few of the girls, but any attempt to organise a play date as always been a too busy response or just meet in the park the first time and then never initiated back. It is clear they can’t be bothered to get their kids to socialise to anyone who is not on their list of friends… she made others so really I don’t care but this is an example of cliquey parents. If my daughter was new she would really really struggle to fit it or make friends.

I don't think it always correlates. DD1 started a new school during covid into middle year 1. We all wore masks and stood 5m apart at pick up so didn't get to know them very well at start. She does lots of after school clubs so i dont chat with her friends parents at pick up. We are good friends with several of her friends parents and socialise with then through chatting at parties, chance meetings at park and village events. DD2 I speak with lots of parents at pick up but don't socialise with any outside school.

You are all just a bunch of parents with children in same class. Sometimes you meet ones who you get in well with, sometimes you don't, and that's just luck.

YANBU for feeling this way. I felt this way too for many years as a working parent. However I also agree with others that it's not always as simple as being there every day to socialise. Sometimes people know each other from other places and in the grand scheme of things the school run isnt (in my opinion) the top place to make adult friends anyway. I also think after school play dates are less common than you may think. It sounds like your DC have friends already which is really good. I would just do things like attend birthday parties if you can, get involved in any events and involve DC in other things like clubs to widen their circle.

Not everyone on MN is English, even if we are UK natives.