To feel sad that DC miss out because I don’t do a lot of school pickups

[InsolentAnnie]

I don’t think they miss out by having their grandparents, who they adore, pick them up three out of the five days. But because I’m only there for two of them, I seem to miss all the mum socialising at the school gate stuff - with the result being that I don’t know many of the other mums, and my kids end up missing out on social activities outside of school. I try really hard to build up relationships - they moved schools a few months ago, and the youngest seems to have found a lovely little friendship group, and I’m trying to get to know the other mums. But then I find out that the mums are doing stuff with the kids outside of school, and my DC hasn’t been invited, and then I feel really crap about it all. I’d love to get to know the other mums too, but in six months I’ve only managed to sort two meet-ups with one other child and mum because people just keep saying they’re busy - but they’re all seeing each other. Nobody seems to have any issues with me or my DC and teachers say they get on well with the other kids. Can’t help feeling that if I didn’t work as much I’d be there and able to talk to the others.

Don’t beat yourself up about it too much. Your DC is a person who will chose their own friends. As they get older they won’t want forced friendships based on who you know, but to choose who they play with.

I felt guilt at the time too (similar situation to you) but now looking back on it I see that that had advantages in that they got to choose who they played with. I don’t think you say how old they are…. as they get older they will have opinions and it will be a lot easier for you to let them lead if you have not emeshed yourself in mum friendships which make it difficult to let your child choose.

Don't worry OP.
My DC goes to after school clubs 3 days and the other 2 his grandmothers pick up one day each. He is Mr Popular - there always seems to be a party or football social to go to.
I've met a few of the other parents at those. Some are quite nice but don't class them as friends. And that hasn't held DC back.

To be honest, I don't think you're missing out on much...Some of this school gate friendship stuff can be toxic. I didn't do a lot of pick ups and drop offs as I am a single mum who works full time. I did make friends with a few of the mum's and we would sometimes see each other for our kids play dates and outside school. Things definitely change When they get older. When they left in Yr 6 and went to different schools I was dropped like a hot potato 😒 my daughter has her own friends and didn't want to bother with the old ones. I used to occasionally make plans but it was always me. When I stopped, literally none of those fake friends bothered with me again. One in particular I was quite close to, I used to have to listen to her moaning endlessly about her husband and her job when the kids were friends at school ...bumped into her recently in a supermarket and she had absolutely no self awareness about just ghosting me, even said 'oh we must get together '. No thanks

Oh my goodness please do not beat yourself up about this. A good mix and remember why its like this because you are working to improve quality of life for all of you. Grandparents will love the privilege too. The majority of children are picked up by more than one person within the week. You are not preventing your children from making good relatio ships with their peers are you? Abld that's whst really matters isn't it?

But it’s no surprise that there are English people at the school gates … what do you expect?!?

I think it is probably more unusual to rely on school gate relationships to provide the majority of your out of school socialising.

At our school the parents I am friends with are mostly people over known anyway through work, or as neighbours etc and some of the mums who socialise a lot together it is because their kids all attend the same football club, not because of school.

I actively avoid the school run as much as possible, and my child goes to wrap around a lot. Our school is not a calm sea of chatty parents making plans at the school gate - it's a chaotic melt down of bad parking, trailing jumpers and buggies with tantrum throwing toddlers. Most parents are trying to get on to work etc and no one wants to use it for a social.

If you want your child to do more things with school friends outside of school, then instigate it. Invite people round to yours or suggest a park play date on the class WhatsApp. Offer to do a group booking to the cinema or a panto etc.

My better advice would be to build your social life outside of the school acquaintances instead. Then you won't care.

I know what you mean. I recently changed jobs and DC now do 2 hours of ASC instead of 1. I feel out the loop because of it. Most DCs do an hour of ASC which is when most of the chit chat at the gate happens.