Should I be upset?

[Glashouse]

I don't know if im being unreasonable here or not. Ive gone to work tonight and have seen on my ring doorbell someone climbing over my front wall. Not a clear picture just part of a head and back just caught on camera. I asked my partner who was at home if he saw anything he said no he had no idea. I got a bit worried looked again and thought it kind of looked a bit like my partner himself! So I rung him. No answer. Anyway cut a long story short it turns out it was him. He'd gone drinking in town and thought he wouldn't tell me as he knows I'd be upset as hes actually a recovering alcoholic. I'm so cross both with the lying and the drinking. I cant confront him properly tonight as im at work. Do you think im right to be upset? I don't know if im over reacting but im furious.

Of course you're right to be upset, a recovering alcoholic going on a bender and then lying about it is really bad. It's predictable and within pattern behaviour but it's still bad and you're absolutely within your rights to be angry.

He’s lied and tried to hide it because he knows it’s wrong which you have every right to be upset about. I would be calmly assessing the future of the relationship as I couldn’t be with a lying relapsed alcoholic.

Omg, he’s not even close into recovery. This is the point in your life when you say to yourself whether you want this life. I mean he could straighten out but how long do you want to wait.

Upset isn’t enough, you should be furious. Is there a reason you need to stay in this relationship? It’s one thing trying to support an addict who is committed to their recovery, but he’s carrying on drinking and lying to you about it. Don’t let him drag you down with him, because he will.

Did he hop over the wall so you wouldn't catch him going out the front door?

Oh OP, I don't think I could be doing with a lying alcoholic who made plans to actively deceive me and then lied when he got caught

It's hardly 'respectful relationship of equal partners' behaviour is it? Id be so disappointed and upset in your shoes.

Of course you can be upset. He’s not making out that you’re the unreasonable one for reacting to his actions, is he?

Hes not saying I shouldn't be upset. He's not saying sorry either though. I guess hes not sorry anyway. He was only gone 1.5 hours so not quite a bender and he didn't sound drunk. The pull of the drink is always there though. Its the lying that hurts the most. I'll never be able to trust him ever.

Dealbreaker for me. He let you think someone was climbing over the wall.hes out drinking…

Please dump him asap. My df was an alcoholic. Don’t stay with him, he’s not even slightly in the right headspace to think about others beyond what they can do for him/saving face in front of people (hence lying). If he sorts himself out you could give it another go later but don’t tell him that now or he’ll just hide it better. He needs to get properly clean before considering a relationship.

You were BU until you said he’s a recovering alcoholic … doesn’t sound like he is recovering though.

You have your answer then really. I mean if he tries to lie about something you can clearly see on camera there’s no hope….. there’s not even any remorse! Get out now.

Gosh, I don't think I could cope in a relationship where there is such a strong pull to drink/drugs/gambling, to the extent where lying to your partner is the acceptable trade off. Like you say, there can't really ever be any trust.

What do you plan to do?

You can’t trust him. The relationship is over.

Did he get drunk or did he manage to have a social drink? You are entitled to be annoyed, but it's also a bit sad that he's having to sneak out like a naughty teenager. I hope it's not a relapse.

How would you have reacted if he'd said I'm going out for a couple of drinks, but I'm not going to drink a lot? I guess you would still have been furious, which puts him in the position of sneaking out for a drink hoping you won't find out, so initially at least a lie of omission.

I don't know what you do about the situation, but it's good news if he can go for a drink without getting drunk.

@BadgernTheGarden he is an alcoholic. He can’t drink.

It’s not good news, he’s a recovering alcoholic. People don’t just cure themselves from it and go on to have healthy drinking lives. And she might not have been furious, she may have offered support.

Definitely not unreasonable. And unfortunately he isn't a 'recovering' alcoholic

This is not a recovering alcoholic, this is an alcoholic

And no, you can never trust him as his primary relationship is with alcohol

What is it that makes alcoholics the best liars? He now knows if he goes over the wall he can be seen.
Can you still trust him?

The drinking would be a deal breaker for me .

Very much the deceitful way in which it was done would have me questioning myself as to where to go next.

As you say you can't trust him ever, why do you stay?

He’s NOT a recovering alcoholic.
He’s STILL an alcoholic. And he’s a liar.