Should I be upset?

[Glashouse]

I don't know if im being unreasonable here or not. Ive gone to work tonight and have seen on my ring doorbell someone climbing over my front wall. Not a clear picture just part of a head and back just caught on camera. I asked my partner who was at home if he saw anything he said no he had no idea. I got a bit worried looked again and thought it kind of looked a bit like my partner himself! So I rung him. No answer. Anyway cut a long story short it turns out it was him. He'd gone drinking in town and thought he wouldn't tell me as he knows I'd be upset as hes actually a recovering alcoholic. I'm so cross both with the lying and the drinking. I cant confront him properly tonight as im at work. Do you think im right to be upset? I don't know if im over reacting but im furious.

He is not a recovering alcoholic, he is an alcoholic.

He is unlikely to change & you are right to be furious with him.

i wouldn’t stay in a relationship with him.

You are right to be upset. Why did he go over the fence ? Thats mental.

Well lying and active alcoholism (including being a dry drunk) tend to go together.

If you do decide to stick around it might be worth looking into Al-anon or Smart Recovery Friends and families. Just for your support & to help with the anxiety the ‘is he going to be a twat tonight’ tends to bring

We have an alcoholic in my husband's extended family (drugs as well) and he's been into rehab 4 times in the 19 years I've known my husband. He's sober for a while, and then goes back on the booze (and drugs). He's been homeless and on the streets at various points too. He's had friends and family members bending over backwards to help and support him. The one thing I have learnt is that you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I've also learnt that an alcoholic and/or drug addict, will lie to your face and swear they're telling the truth. My husband's relative is selfish, and his only real priority in life is himself, he's not too bothered about the people who've tried to help him. He has what I call a 'victim mentality', everything is always someone else's fault, never his, it's constant 'poor me'. My honest opinion is to end your relationship. You can't 'fix' your partner. You are setting yourself up for nothing but heartache and disappointment. You only get one crack of the whip in life, don't waste it.

Hes not a recovering alcoholic if he's still actively drinking
He was deceiful and lied to you so your not his priority
He didnt apologise

Personally I couldnt be with an addict as I couldnt ever trust them
Addicts can be in recovery for decades then relapse
You deserve so much more than being with someone like this

Of course you're not being unreasonable to be upset. Or not trust him.

you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave him either, if you stay with him the rest of your life will be like this. Is that what you really want for yourself?

I mean, FFS, he's so desperate to go out he's climbing over your front wall to deceive you. He's fine with you thinking it's someone up to no good. He's lying to you & he's an alcoholic.

i want better for you, so should you. Xx

No she wasn't. He lied to her leading her to believe someone up to no good was climbing their wall. He was sneaking out, lying to her... alcoholic it not this is not ok & she's not unreasinabke!

As an alcoholic, it puts him in the position of not fucking doing it!!

alcoholics can't drink 'socially' not for more that five minutes when it just gets bad all over again. Supporting an alcoholic through giving it up is hard fucking work & living through their 'I can drink socially now' phase is would destroying, ti end up back where you started.

no no no

@Glashouse you don't have much of a relationship if he lies to you, especially when you were concerned about potential intruder and he thought it more important to lie about going to get alcohol.

I would be furious and reconsidering the relationship.

Maybe he felt he had to or she would get the ump he went out … but that’s was before she shared the alcohol part.
Calm down … your word isn’t gospel 🙄

Calm down yourself.

my word isn't gospel, but I'm allowed to disagree with you

OP, have you spoken to him about this now? How are you feeling at this point, are you going to boot him out?

Your partner, who is in recovery snuck out on the lash and then, to avoid taking accountability for the relapse, allowed you to worry about some random jumping your wall and casing the joint, to further avoid accountability. You have every right to feel let down and disappointed. But you need to address why they’ve relapsed. It is an illness and it does cause its sufferers to lie, cheat and steal. But you know that and you’re still there. Do they attend meetings? Maybe you also need some counselling. It’s hard being the partner of an addict. Sending love.

I feel I should update as we have spoken in depth. He said he wanted to go and listen to a band feel like he could still enjoy what he/we used to like doing but wanted to try that with out me questioning him about drinking. I completely understand that. I get it. He said he had two pints and then home. He was back within 2 hours as I saw on the camera. We spoke about openness and trust and I've decided to keep going with the relationship. He's agreed that it wasn't his best idea and he should have been truthful but its too late for that now. Time will tell I guess. I know it would be an easier life to leave but no ones life is straightforward and everyone has struggles. As I say time will tell.

I have known alcoholics who do better if they allow themselves the occasional drink. Something to do with it being completely forbidden seems to make them want it more, and then if they give in and have one drink they end up thinking that they’ve already failed so they might as well go on a massive bender as what’s the difference now that they’ve failed. Whereas having an occasional drink, or knowing they aren’t completely banned, makes it less tempting and also stops a single drink escalating into more.

Moving forward I think it’s generally a bad idea to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. You haven’t said how long you’ve been together, or whether you have a mortgage together, or kids. I appreciate it’s easy from the outside to tell you to leave, but it’s far more complicated when you’re the one living it. Remember there are options in between continuing as you are and ending the relationship entirely. You can take a step back. You could continue to be a couple but live separately while he’s sorting himself out. You could take a break from your relationship with and agreement that you will review the situation in a few months. It doesn’t have to be drastic and final. Ultimately you must put yourself first. It’s not up to you to fix him, he is responsible for himself.

You’re not though are you … you’re stamping your opinion at the end! Very OTT 🙄🤣

Sobriety is a long journey. I wouldn't be angry but I would tell him he needs to call his sponsor and get to meeting tomorrow.
(I'm assuming he's in AA?)

This is a long 10+ year relationship. Hes been doing really well for the last year or so. I'm trying not too see this as too big a set back. We have a lot of joint responsibilities that if I left I would have to take on myself and it wouldn't be easy for me at all. Like the previous poster said I think he see this as a way forward that if he can manage an occasional drink and it won't feel like the forbidden fruit. I'm not so sure but I will give him the benefit of doubt. He's going to a meeting on Tuesday and has said that if he feels like doing it again he'll tell me first. Alcohol is such a bad addiction as its advertised everywhere and seen as the norm it can be so destructive it's heartbreaking.

No, you're OTT

& wrong. She's not being unreasonable to be upset.

No you’re wrong … she is being UR 🤷🏻‍♀️