I let a man waste away my fertility and I’m struggling

[Ungap11]

I had a baby with my ex, unplanned a couple of years in. He was adamant he wanted kids with me but not yet. He eventually stepped up to being a day around 18 months in. We got back together (I know, I don’t know why). He said he absolutely wanted more kids, was a great dad to our child and kept saying next year next year. I reached late 30s and said it’s now or never and he said he wouldn’t accept an ultimatum. I then ended it. This was 4 years since he promised he wanted more children.

I still feel sad and confused about it all. I ended it in June and haven’t met anyone. Haven’t really been trying. Just feel so sad that I gave up so much of my life to him. I can see now looking back that he was never going to have dc with me and probably wouldn’t have had our first if it hadn’t been an accident. It’s ok for him, he can go off and have more children in years to come. I can’t. I don’t know how to move on from it.

People have babies in their 40s, still time for you. Unfortunately people are allowed to change their minds x

@estellacandance I feel so stupid.

It was so hard at the time though. I’d say let’s start trying we’re getting on a bit now and he’d say in six months. And so it would go on. But he would be so convincing and so passionate about it that I trusted him. I also felt I wouldn’t meet anyone else and I didn’t really want to have children with someone else, I wanted another with him. I let myself down so much.

@ComfortFoodCafe I don’t think he ever had any intention of having a second. I don’t think it was a case of changing his mind. I’m also already 40 so the ship has sailed for me given I’m not even in a relationship

How old are you OP? You can have kids in 40s, you need to find a good partner, rather than focusing on an idiot.

@Squirrrel i’m already 40 now. I won’t find anyone in time. I keep thinking what if I had waited a bit longer with ex would it have happened. Maybe I was wrong to give an ultimatum

I feel for you. I went through similar. It’s something you will come to terms with in time. My time was 31-37 or 38 and then found out definitely not going to have children with him. I didn’t meet anyone else and didn’t really look.
im not as full of regret now because I’m a lot older and I’ve seen other positive things in my life.
have you thought about fostering or adopting? Also you could have another child with someone else if you decide you really want to do that. I know a lot of people who had children in their forties.
but I know how upset and sad you feel honestly. Women go through so so much

@Hysterectomynext thank you so much for your lovely words. I am 40 now so think it’s unlikely. I almost feel too drained to even find someone. I need some time to re set and that’s hard to do with a young child. I have thought about fostering or adopting but I don’t think I would be good at it. I feel like he’s stolen a life from me by not being honest.

Hmm so what are you saying - if he had so no to more kids, would you have quickly went off with your young kid in tow and found another man to have a second child with? Another unplanned child with a not completely committed father?

I would say be happy with the child you’ve got and focus on that. I could understand your regret more if you didn’t manage to have kids at all because of him stringing you along.

I am not saying he’s great or has behaved well or whatever, but I don’t think even if he was honest with you, it would have necessarily resulted in you finding a happily ever after with a new man and second child.

“Blended families” are hard and can be risky with a young child involved.

@loseuss that’s true. It’s just hard and I can’t help but resent him for allowing me to be excited to try for so long.

I get it, being deceived isn’t nice at all but the silver lining is you didn’t rush out to have a second child with just anyone and aren’t planning to.

I think that’s a good thing as some women get desperate as their clock ticks and end up in an even worse situation with a worse man.

Easier said than done but focus on the blessing you have in this which is your child who I’m sure you love more than the mere idea of a second child.

As pp have said you can probably still have kids. Or at least try but I don’t think that means you necessarily should even if biologically able .

As you said , you need time to reset and heal from this.

But you have a child. You are a mother. You will raise that healthy child, go to his school plays, watch him go into secondary school, pass his exams, learn to drive, go to uni...
You're talking as though you were denied the joy of parenthood altogether!

I just feel so sad. Obviously I love my child and feel very lucky but i often think about how much I would have loved to have given a sibling . It’s so hard to accept and I didn’t think it would be.

But you had a child with him? Did you love him or just see him as a sperm donor?

@toolittletimeagain yes I loved him. As time went on I started to resent him though

I don’t want to sound like a broken record but just wanted to say one more thing.

This was ultimately a man you chose and decided to go ahead and have his child with. Please forgive yourself even if you don’t forgive him - come to terms with the decisions you made and then move on. It is what it is!

Had you gone with someone else to start with you may not even have had one child or had you left him immediately after your first child you don’t know how it would’ve went with a new man if you did manage to find one.

I know many only children who are now adults and they’re perfectly happy and don’t particularly wish for a sibling. They never have done.

Don’t let this sadness taint filling your existing child’s life with happiness and joy.

Good luck!

ETA: Did you love him or just see him as a sperm donor?

Good question @toolittletimeagain I’d feel some type of way if I had a kid with a man and he was resentful I hadn’t “given” him a second one.

Count your lucky stars that you finally dumped him. You are only in your forties! The decision about children is over and done with. For better or worse. You hung on to this toxic twat long enough. Now its time to spread your wings and learn to live boldly and uncompromisingly.

@pikkumyy77 thank you

The only thing worse than wasting years on a man is spending any more time wishing you hadn’t. It’s done, take steps to move on in your own life and make your own happiness. You have a child, it’s not too late to have another if you wish. Don’t put the happiness of your child or yourself in the hands of someone else, or any imaginary child.

@Allisnotlost1 i’m 40 though and not even in a relationship. I think ship has sailed

While your wasting your life being bitter and resentful about the shitty way he treated you and that you didn't have another child you're missing out on really appreciating the one that you do have and really making the most of every stage of their life. Life often doesn't go the way we hoped, I certainly know that, but you have one wonderful child so please make the most of what you have and try to put aside what you don't.

Siblings aren't always that great, I never got on with mine. Your child will benefit from having all your time, effort and money being put into them.

I understand and agree with your feelings.

However, you need to totally reframe this. The reason for this is that you are where you are and no amount of resentment, upset or anger is going to change the deception/future faking this man did. Time cannot be turned back. But your life from this moment onwards can be reframed or wasted on resentment.

So the reframe is that you are a great woman, you have a great child and you are moving on to your next phase - you are done with having babies so plan what’s next for you/your child. Nice things for you to do.

You could think thoughts like your DC is going to inherit all your assets, rather than thinking that your dc has no sibling.

And have a very high bar for any future man you get might together with. Or simply don’t do it - plan a life for yourself, with only yourself and your child in mind.

No-one knows the future, and plenty of women have babies over 40. But it’s more important to focus on making a good life for yourself and the child you do have.

You have a child and you were married. Some women cannot do even this. Respect what you have ...I was infertile in my 40s but for you might be different. Don't be sorry for yourself, life brings bigger tragedies to many others

I understand how you are feeling. I had a child with my exH and he refused to discuss having another child. I found out later that he told everyone around us that we were only having one and not to talk to me about it. the marriage ended for many reasons, including his gambling and cheating but that one thing really hurt. I’d always wanted at least 2 children.

I was in my late-ish 30’s when my marriage ended and a year later I met my now-husband. One of the things that made me open to a relationship was that he initially said he would like children. But then he felt he was too old, he’s almost 10 years older than me. He and my son have a wonderful relationship, but he didn’t think he could have one of his own at his age. It took me a long time to adjust to that, and I went to counselling for it. For a while I seriously weighed up whether to stay or go. I stayed as he is a really good man, we have a great relationship and he loves being a dad to my son. We’ve been together almost 20 years now. My son adores him, and considers him his father.

The only regret I have in life is not having more children. I’ve had disappointments and ups & downs of course, but that is the only true regret. What is has meant is that I have focused on giving my son the best life I could. And he and I have a very strong relationship. I am so grateful that I am a mother and that I get to be his mother.

So I understand the pain of not having the family I had hoped to have. Especially if you feel your partner has strung you along. But it gets easier over time. And I have been able to give my son experiences as well as support when he has needed it, at various times in his life, that I may not have been able to do as easily if I’d had another child.