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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the wedding

37 replies

allgoodbabybaby · 31/10/2025 08:00

I've recently received a wedding invite to a friend's wedding and noticed that the invites are asking guests to pay for their own meal at the dinner afterwards. She hasn't asked for this in lieu of a gift so I'm assuming she'll still be expecting gifts. There's no money behind the bar and everyone gets just 1 welcome drink. I should also mention the meal is lots of small plates we'll have to share with others so we don't even get a proper plate of food that we choose for the price. This is part 1 of a 2 part wedding - 1 in UK and 1 abroad. It seems to me like if you can't afford to pay for your guests at one wedding then you shouldnt be having two? I'd have been totally fine with this if she'd mentioned to us privately in our group chat that she's skint at the moment and can't afford it so hopes we don't mind, but there's been no mention. It just strikes me as extremely stingy - I've never heard of a wedding where guests pay for their food. Should also mention I'm meant to be a bridesmaid at this event but my husband of over 10 years isn't invited to the ceremony which makes things difficult as the wedding is in another city and he'll have to hang around in a pub somewhere for 2 hours while I attend the ceremony. Also she's not offered to contribute anything towards the bridesmaids outfits. I'm feeling like it's all just a bit cheeky. AIBU?

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 31/10/2025 08:10

Where is the ceremony in relation to the meal if it’s a tiny little chapel that seats 10 fair enough? It’s weird to invite someone to the meal but not the important bit.

How much does she want and can you afford it? Whilst it’s unusual it’s not unheard of these days and I think you have to make a judgement based on your finances and how much you care for her. If you back out friendship probably won’t recover.

Coffeeishot · 31/10/2025 08:12

Paying for your dinner is ridiculous and not something ive heard before of course you should decline,

Ponchodreams · 31/10/2025 08:12

No to it all!!! I don't understand how it's become normal for some bridesmaids to pay for their own clothes and hair etc. let alone paying for meals.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 31/10/2025 08:14

I would decline, says it clashes with a family event for you, be firm in your declined offer. Are you bridesmaid for both weddings? I’d be tempted to decline the abroad one too

neverbeenskiing · 31/10/2025 08:15

I wouldn't put myself out to go to a wedding where my DH wasn't welcome.

ClarasSisters · 31/10/2025 08:31

Invitation not a summons and all that jazz.

If you're close enough that she'd ask you to be bridesmaid though I'd imagine you're also close enough to ask what gives - why is my husband not invited to all of it and are you really that skint that we have to subsidise your reception?

Blueberry911 · 31/10/2025 08:32

I wouldnt attend. The food thing is weird and my husband wouldn't be welcome... and you're a bridesmaid. What the hell 😂

Splendidbouquet · 31/10/2025 08:35

Why on earth is she having 2 weddings when she can't afford one?
Seems to me she should have stuck with a tiny private wedding and not embarrassed herself by treating her guests, and bridesmaids, in such a shoddy way.
I think it's totally reasonable for you to pull out of the whole thing OP.

Pranksters · 31/10/2025 08:36

I would be telling her you can’t afford to subsidise a wedding she chose to have.

Milliemoons · 31/10/2025 08:39

I have paid for dinner after a wedding before. But it was a 6 person elopement, at a registry office then we went for dinner. So different flavour. I think under my circumstances it was fine but not for a more formal event. We also got to choose what we ate and how much we spent, which I think is a vital difference.

themerchentofvenus · 31/10/2025 08:40

Your friend is a CF.

It's very rude to expect bridesmaids to pay for their own outfit. Shoes perhaps but not the dress. I'd make sure it's something you would wear again or actually like.

It's also rude to expect people to pay for the meal. If you want a wedding you save up for it. If i had to pay for the meal then I wouldn't be getting them a gift. Just a card.

I'd be tempted to decline the wedding and just not go.

TheSandgroper · 31/10/2025 08:41

Pull out. Don’t go. This one has Reddit Bridezilla written all over it and, if you go, you will have sucker stamped on your forehead.

MannersAreAll · 31/10/2025 08:42

The only time I've paid for my meal at a wedding was when one of the couple was terminally ill and everyone offered so they could have the wedding they had only just started saving for in less than 12 weeks.

BogRollBOGOF · 31/10/2025 08:43

I've paid for my meal once, but it was a short notice, basic, registry office wedding with no trimmings and no budget and the "reception" was an afternoon "hire" of a restaurant which in those circumstances was fair enough. The couple's budget was very limited, there was no splurging on anything and it was lovely to go and see them make their vows and spend the afternoon with friends and family.

Hosting two events and making bridesmaids pay for their dresses etc as well as the meal and not even inviting their spouse is cheeky fuckery. If you're paying for your own meal, the spouse isn't adding to the budget either.

If the arrangements are too expensive and inconvenient to you then feel free to decline.

Being a bridesmaid should be fun, not an expensive chore!

didgeridid · 31/10/2025 08:45

I'd be happy to pay for my dinner and clothes and hair blah blah as a bridesmaid/guest as long as I am told upfront what the situation is and I can decline if I can't or don't want to.... However you should be able to chose what you wear, how you have your hair, what you eat and it should all be in your budget. They can't say you need to pay but this is what you are having.

I think it's harsh not inviting your husband. That would be the invitation decline for me.
We all know that numbers is a big juggle in weddings. I asked my bridesmaids they all accepted, I then asked if they minded no kids, partners were invited straight away (we could only have 120 people and and between the three of them there were 11 kids) they all were happy with that. If they wanted their kids their I would have tried my hardest to juggle. I think it's all about being open and honest rather than telling people with no explanation

Lollypop701 · 31/10/2025 08:47

its not a wedding really, it’s pay per view. Bride n groom pay for their outfits and food and everyone who attends pays to view them have a lovely time. As a BM you aren’t even benefiting as you are paying for your own dress and dh isn’t included.

id be surprised if the £50 per head wasn’t subsidising the wedding costs… Sorry I’d decline.

OhDear111 · 31/10/2025 08:48

This is two cut price weddings and very odd. The couple are short of money but want a Rolls Royce wedding. This idea won’t work. If you are a close friend I’m amazed the bride hasn’t told you about arrangements before now. Haven’t you been involved in menu tasting, drinks choice etc? I’d pay for the meal but no gift. Loads of people don’t give presents now. However it’s very odd.

BreadandCircus · 31/10/2025 08:49

ClarasSisters · 31/10/2025 08:31

Invitation not a summons and all that jazz.

If you're close enough that she'd ask you to be bridesmaid though I'd imagine you're also close enough to ask what gives - why is my husband not invited to all of it and are you really that skint that we have to subsidise your reception?

Yes, exactly. This is the second thread on here this morning posted by someone who is apparently close enough to be a bridesmaid to someone she doesn’t appear to like much, and with whom she’s apparently incapable of having a normal adult conversation about something that’s upsetting them, but has instead started an internet thread to complain.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2025 08:51

Jesus Christ when did weddings become such a grotesque arms race of vulgar overspending?

Don’t go!

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/10/2025 08:54

I've only been to one wedding where we (DH and I) had to pay for our meal. Unfortunately we didn't know until we were actually eating the pub meal.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2025 09:01

No to being a bridesmaid and no to attending the wedding.

I suspect there will be a lot of people declining their invitations.

sugarapplelane · 31/10/2025 09:06

No, no, no, no, no

You don’t invite people to your wedding and then expect them to pay for their meal. This is so wrong in my eyes. Your friend is a CF!

Did she spring the costs on you once she had asked you to be Bridesmaid? If so - she’s even more if a CF.

Just say no!!!

spoonbillstretford · 31/10/2025 09:09

I'd turn this gig down unless it was a really small do, very good friends and they were skint. It doesn't sound like they are if there are two weddings, and one overseas. They need to cut their cloth accordingly and have just the one small wedding which they actually pay for.

Original poster
allgoodbabybaby · 31/10/2025 09:10

Hello! Not complaining, just have only ever been to one wedding in the past (as a child) so trying to gain consensus around what the norm is. Thanks for pitching in

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 31/10/2025 09:29

ClarasSisters · 31/10/2025 08:31

Invitation not a summons and all that jazz.

If you're close enough that she'd ask you to be bridesmaid though I'd imagine you're also close enough to ask what gives - why is my husband not invited to all of it and are you really that skint that we have to subsidise your reception?

This, i was a bridesmaid for a close friend i did put some money towards being bridesmaid but we discussed it before hand like most people would do, did you not speak to.her OP?