To not want to go to the wedding

[allgoodbabybaby]

I've recently received a wedding invite to a friend's wedding and noticed that the invites are asking guests to pay for their own meal at the dinner afterwards. She hasn't asked for this in lieu of a gift so I'm assuming she'll still be expecting gifts. There's no money behind the bar and everyone gets just 1 welcome drink. I should also mention the meal is lots of small plates we'll have to share with others so we don't even get a proper plate of food that we choose for the price. This is part 1 of a 2 part wedding - 1 in UK and 1 abroad. It seems to me like if you can't afford to pay for your guests at one wedding then you shouldnt be having two? I'd have been totally fine with this if she'd mentioned to us privately in our group chat that she's skint at the moment and can't afford it so hopes we don't mind, but there's been no mention. It just strikes me as extremely stingy - I've never heard of a wedding where guests pay for their food. Should also mention I'm meant to be a bridesmaid at this event but my husband of over 10 years isn't invited to the ceremony which makes things difficult as the wedding is in another city and he'll have to hang around in a pub somewhere for 2 hours while I attend the ceremony. Also she's not offered to contribute anything towards the bridesmaids outfits. I'm feeling like it's all just a bit cheeky. AIBU?

All sounds rather joyless and penny pinching. I wouldn't be raring to go either. People should really adjust their expectations to their circumstances and be considerate of their guests.

Can't afford a big wedding? Then have a small one. I tend to believe that if "something's worth doing, it's worth doing well". I know of a recent wedding where only parents, siblings and sibling's partners were invited. (Though that was personsl choice, rather than lack of funds.)

Yanbu. I wouldn't go to that and it's fine not to. If it was in a reasonably easy location I might go to the ceremony only, and then go home, but if it would take hours to get to then pass on that too. There's no shame in not being able to afford a lavish wedding but you have the wedding you can afford. She's only being skinflint here because she's blown the whole budget on the exotic overseas part of the shenanigans. She has the right to choose her priorities and her priorities are that it's more important for her to have a fabulous overseas holiday-style wedding than it is to celebrate with the people in her life. She can choose that but she cannot choose that you accept such a low estimation of your worth without it affecting your friendship.

Decline politely.

This!

Also expecting people to pay to attend your wedding is very grabby.

Very cheeky. YANBU.

She wants two flash weddings but can't afford them. I'd be rethinking both going & being a bridesmaid.

Absolutely not the norm. You don’t hold a wedding and then charge people to attend. And the bride should pay for your dresses unless it’s been agreed.

What else are you going to end up paying for? As I imagine there will be a hen do, abroad maybe? Plus the abroad wedding, I assume she’ll expect you to pay for flights, accommodation and another dress? Where does it end? Before you know it you’ve shelled out thousands for someone else’s do.

If they can’t afford the wedding(s!) they want then either save up or realise you can’t afford it and do something within budget. It’s not your job to fund it.

They’re cheeky fuckers, especially if they also expect a gift! Fuck that.

@Thepeopleversuswork Weddings have been getting more and more ostentatious and taking days! The cost is huge. My DD has been to plenty like this but everyone has the money! Big one coming up in SA next year - multi - venue and all paid for except flights.

Paying for your own meal in a pub is low rent really! The happy couple obviously don’t have money and neither do their parents. This is not usual but I’ve been to sandwiches and a drink in a pub weddings before now but 50 years ago. However ostentatious weddings aren’t better - just longer and the bride will have three wedding dresses!

So, have I got this right?
Be my bridesmaid.
But pay for your own outfit.
Pay for your own meal.
Pay for your own drinks.
Buy me a present.
Your DH isn't invited.
And by the way, I'm having two weddings.

How are you not laughing in her face? Bridezilla of the year, bar none. 😂

Never ever heard of this,Paying for your meal or your bridesmaid dress.

So you need to buy your own bridesmaid dress and your own dinner and your husband is not invited? Tell her that you can't attend the wedding. She's rude and tight-fisted.

There’s no way I’d make that kind of effort for someone who didn’t even have the courtesy to invite your partner.

I do remember someone doing this years ago, my friend was invited and it was in lieu of a present (she didn’t go complaining she couldn’t afford it, but it was still a cheap meal).
I wouldn’t mind if someone was having a genuinely cheap wedding and no gift. This is CF territory though, just looking for others to pay for the wedding they want but can’t afford.

posts like this are soooo tiresome. I appreciate you are asking for advice but simply reading other wedding posts on here will give you everything you need to know. You are not being unreasonable and please do not listen to any advice about making excuses. You are a grown ass woman. Just say no. And tell your friend why. I’m sorry, hope you have a lovely day but we are no travelling somewhere for one of us to pay to attend a wedding to also pay to share food plates and pay to meet each other later at whatever venue it is for the welcome drink. Give them a generous gift and wish them well and stay home.

PMSL, what's in it for the guests?! I know the wedding is meant to be about the bride and groom, but some of them don't give a shiny shite about their guests at all do they?!

Shame you can't go as you are going on holiday that week (booked and paid for, non-refundable!)

You’re unreasonable to attend this insanely odd event.

posts like this are soooo tiresome

As are posters that revive old threads for no sensible reason.......

It seems wrong not to invite people's husbands/wives. I get that some people have tiny weddings with limited numbers, but in this case you say she's having 2 weddings? If it's say because she is one relligion and the groom another, ok, but you don't mention any religious/cultural reasons.
And if you're paying for a meal, then don't feel obliged to get an expensive gift. A few years ago, this was unheard of, now I've heard of "paying for your plate" a few times, but you did at least get a full dinner!

If that’s aimed at me I apologise, AI has a lot to answer for and I did not see the date, sorry.

Oh, it's a zombie thread!

It sounds like this bride has eyes bigger than her stomach and wants a wedding of her choice on your shilling.

She needs a lot less expectations and why the two venues?

Having to pay for your bridesmaids dress isn’t that out of the ordinary now.

Paying for your own food though, that’s insane.

I think one of the most important parts of a wedding is the food. Your guests should have full tummies and be merry not checking their tab to see how much they owe for their lunch.

If I was asked to be a bridesmaid but my husband of 10 years wasn’t invited I wouldn’t go. I’m either important or I’m not, pick one.