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Original poster

Found old messages on fiancé’s phone

38 replies

Mummymember · 31/10/2025 07:09

I have been with my fiance for 6 years, we have a 3 year old and an 8 month old and are getting married in 7 months time.
i do not know what came over me yesterday but he left his phone on the table to take a shower and i went through one of his group chats. I found messages that he had sent of pictures of my best friends sister in a bikini and said “ i would risk it all for her 😂 ive always fancied her, its a shame i cant like the photo 🥹” there were other pictures of girls that he had sent in the group saying how good they looked in bikini pictures etc who i also know.
There were two of his other male friends in this group chat who had and still have a horrible reputations and the group chat was just disgusting how they would talk about women.
We were together 3 months when he was sending these messages but
naturally i cannot stop thinking about these messages now and feel hurt by it. We were not living together at the time etc
He is literally my soulmate and is the best partner and dad and we are such a happy family, he would do absolutely anything for me, we have never had any issues like this in our relationship he has never given me any reason not to trust him. My friends and family always say they would love for someone to treat them how he treats me.
Im annoyed at myself for going through his phone as ive always been so against doing that and I acknowledge its an invasion of privacy, its the first time i ever have since we have been together as he has never ever given me a reason to, ive just been feeling insecure recently about how i look since i had my baby and keep thinking he is to good to be true which is why i think i felt they need to go through his messages.
these messages were sent 6 years ago sg

Do i just ignore this or do i say something. I feel wrong and embarrassed if i tell him i went through his phone but also the messages are bothering me Do i ruin our happy life to say something or do i just pass it off as “ lads banter” and that that we were new in the relationship

OP posts:
tripleginandtonic · 31/10/2025 07:13

Does he still hang round with those mates? If you think how he treats you is only tied up with your looks then I'd be worried. If it's deeper than that then I'd let sleeping dogs lie, you shouldn't have snooped.

CrowMate · 31/10/2025 07:13

It’s gross, but you went back 6 years to find these messages?! I’d let it go if there hadn’t been anything recent. Why did you look through his phone? Especially that far back?

randomchap · 31/10/2025 07:27

Going through his phone shows as distinct lack of trust and respect. You've not respected his privacy and you did it because you don't trust him

Why are you marrying him if you can't trust him?

Whether the trust is deserved or not, being married to someone you don't trust is just not going to work.

Doggymummar · 31/10/2025 07:31

You were in a new relationship which he didn't know was going to be serious. If I looked back on chats from six years ago I'm sure I would cring too. It's more important how he is now

FrostAtMidnight · 31/10/2025 07:33

These messages are from when you were first dating. They’re not great but they are really old and nothing to do with your relationship now (and presumably you went back so far because you didn’t find anything like that in his more recent messages). You were a fool to go through his phone.

Splendidbouquet · 31/10/2025 07:38

Well considering you know the reputation of his friends I'm quite surprised this side of his character is a revelation to you. It's a pretty well known truism that you can tell a man by his friends. Your fiancé is better at hiding it. I expect if you found out how he behaves when he is socialising with these friends you would be disgusted.
The expression " lads banter" is just a way of trying to excuse the unacceptable talk that misogynistic men use. Why should women excuse something unacceptable?
If you were already feeling insecure about your looks and obviously were worried he was looking elsewhere then there was already lack of trust in him. And now you have opened a window on what he and his friends are like I don't see how that trust can be regained.

AgnesX · 31/10/2025 07:40

Does your fiance talk like that to you? How is your relationship generally. The fact that you felt the need to poke around on his phone seems to indicate not?

Darragon · 31/10/2025 07:52

You’ve really gone out of your way to dig up anything at all to sabotage your relationship and future financial security and your kids’ stability. Is there a deeper insecurity driving you to do this?

walkawayytime · 31/10/2025 08:42

We're these messages from 6 years ago when you'd only just got together the only thing you actually found? If so id just leave it

However if there's more recent stuff (combined with whatever he's said/done that's made you feel the need to check) then that needs to be the conversation, not the messages for 6 years ago

justalittlebitofrain · 31/10/2025 08:47

OP, I really don’t understand why you were looking if you have the perfect relationship that you say.

As always in these situations, if you go looking because you want to find something, you’ll find it. I suppose that’s why you went back so many years to try and catch him out.

How old are you? You sound very young.

Ablondiebutagoody · 31/10/2025 09:23

If he sent these in the early days of dating and the following 6 years have been great, you should let it go. Don't tell him that you have been reviewing his private conversations back to the beginning of time.

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 31/10/2025 09:24

Darragon · 31/10/2025 07:52

You’ve really gone out of your way to dig up anything at all to sabotage your relationship and future financial security and your kids’ stability. Is there a deeper insecurity driving you to do this?

Exactly - why were you snooping for dirt? What you found was years old and I’m not completely surprised that he wasn’t 100% up for ignoring other women when you’d only been dating 12 weeks. It’s such early days.

Zanatdy · 31/10/2025 09:27

You looked back 6yrs of messages? I think you need to let it go, it’s probably bravado with friends. Doesn’t mean he was going to act on it. Snooping doesn’t often lead to good things, and in my opinion is a huge invasion of privacy so i’d keep quiet, and live with the info you found.

MCNAMARA · 31/10/2025 09:36

Absolutely mad that you scrolled back through 6 years worth of messages.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/10/2025 09:42

I echo other posters, why are you marrying someone you obviously don't trust?

PollyBell · 31/10/2025 09:47

You have issues, why on earth do you want to marry someone you dont trust, is it attention seeking a competition? What is it?

Chiseltip · 31/10/2025 09:49

When are people going to understand that it's a Criminal Offence to access someone's phone without their consent.

TalulahJP · 31/10/2025 09:50

Imagine for a minute that before you found the photos he said to you a few weeks ago:

“by the way back in the day I had a big crush on xxx (and the lads were all thinking she was hot) and I wasn’t sure we’d work out because I was punching to get you, but I’m glad you didn't dump me because I love you and I’m really happy”

Feel better now? It’s all in the mind. It’s years ago. I’d let it go. Having said that I’d not be happy if I caught them chatting alone in the kitchen at a party, I’d not trust him in those circs in case he was chatting her up with a view to a tumble…..

Who knows what he was thinking but I’d suspect it was just bluff and bluster for the guys to think hes cool. They aren’t really respecting her though. Just talking like shes an object. So they may respect you more.

JFDIYOLO · 31/10/2025 09:58

Had anything piqued your suspicions? Often women who do this have noticed a change in his behaviour, appearance, conversation, habits, interests etc etc that trigger an 'investigation'. And they're often proved right. Is there a pattern?

If not, is there something else going on? Do you have mental health issues, other problems that drove you to do this? Is there a pattern?

You'd been together a few months. Neither of you had any idea if that was going to be permanent yet. We both (30 yrs+ in) were actively seeing several people when we started to get together, before settling down.

Was there anything more recently, or is this well in the past? Let it stay there.

These friends. Does he still hang round with them? Have they improved? Is he different when he's with them?

If their behaviour influences how he talks and behaves, they're influencing how he thinks.

If so, time for you build your influencing skills and have the conversations that express how you feel and ask for improvements.

BauhausOfEliott · 31/10/2025 10:03

You went back through SIX YEARS of group chats to find that? Good grief.

Honestly, I think if the only thing you found was him commenting to his mates that an acquaintance looked hot in a bikini, when you’d only just started dating, you probably don’t have much to worry about.

What would you gain from saying anything? If my partner told me he’d been through my phone and read six years’ worth of messages, I’d be absolutely furious with him.

Topjoe19 · 31/10/2025 10:10

Is he giving you bad vibes & that's why you looked through his phone? I can't fathom otherwise why you'd have done that.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 31/10/2025 10:11

You were in a new relationship - not even a relationship, just early days of dating. He was 6 years younger, and I don't know how old you are now but he was less mature. It's not a nice way to talk about women but god my friends and I had some not great conversations about gorgeous men back in the day.

You went out of your way to trawl through 6 years of messages until you found something you didn't like. This is largely on you. The question is why? Why do this to yourself?

ntmdino · 31/10/2025 10:18

I really don't understand why people do this. I mean, even if there's nothing to worry about and he's a decent guy, the only possible outcome is the end of the relationship at your hands - either because you get caught snooping which sends the clear signal that not only do you not trust him but he can't ever trust you again, or because you find something completely irrelevant to your current life that eats away at you until you can't bear it any more.

I know it's such a regular thing for people to do on here that it's essentially become normalised, but it's such an obvious act of deliberate and complete self-sabotage that I simply don't believe anybody when they say "I don't know what came over me".

ldnmusic87 · 31/10/2025 10:30

You shouldn't have looked through his phone, and it sounds like you did it for ages too.

HedwigEliza · 31/10/2025 10:37

It’s a problem of your own making. You went back years to find these messages. You’ve invaded his privacy and didn’t like what you found? Well, there’s lesson there. If you’re unhappy it’s totally self-inflicted.

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