Father in law death and financial ruin

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

Please I need to know I am not being unreasonable. My Father in law died very unexpectedly in June abroad in his home country. He lived between his home country and out country. We travelled out at short notice just dropped everything and went. We could not initially find a will and there was no money to access for his funeral.
so myself and DH paid his all of the costs:

his funeral was £23,000 as it included a burial and cost of land space is very expensive.
we also had to pay £2,500 in flights and £3000 hotel costs.
due to the circumstances in which he died his flat had to be throughly cleared and. Sanitised. This costs £5,100. A relative paid this and we are due to pay this back.

then after 3 months we have travelled out to his country again to have more religious ceremony. We were told it would cost further £1,800 and we were aware of this.
we have also paid £2,500 on l flights again. We are staying in his flat but it is empty so had to bring blow up beds. It’s just a shell in which to sleep.

then my relative text me yesterday to say that there is extra £5,500 to be paid. I do not know exactly what this is for but appears to be connected to the religious ceremony and use of a temple for worship. My DH and I really don’t think we should pay it as we were not told about this. He also said there is another ceremony due in March next year. I was not told about this prior to yesterday and it would involve another flight out.

so all in all we have paid approx £40,000 with spending money.
my father in law’s estate is quite complicated. He left several properties that are rented out and a building that is being built and due for completion. We have taken over the care of tenants and rent but are paying maintenance bills and costs. Since end of June I have paid £2,800 in maintenance costs. Plus a tenant moved out and I repaid her deposit if £3,000 from my account as the money was in father in laws account and it is frozen.

So the costs have been huge. We also have about £16,000 to pay to finish building works of the new building.

AIBU if I say we cannot pay £5,500 for the ceremony/hall as we didn’t know about it and no one checked with us first?

we are also paying some costs for his property in UK.

In the uk the bank account of a deceased person can be used to settle a funeral bill. The bank can pay it direct I believe. You could find out if that is the case in this country.

i think it will be difficult for uk people to advise as this is all based abroad. Do you suspect the bill is fraudulent or legitimate? If fraudulent is that the hall trying to get excessive money or the relative? You could check if there is an outstanding bill with the hall directly.

Which country are you referring to? People may be able to give you better advice if they know this.

who is the relative that is asking for the money for the ceremonies?

does your husband have siblings? I think he needs to draw a line now and try and take back some control of this.

When my dad passed away many years ago, his siblings tried taking over the arrangements and expected us to fund everything. At first we were willing to pay because we saw it as doing something for our dad and were also in shock and just went with what was being asked of us.
However, it felt like they were taking advantage by taking over and we had to be firm and say no. If you say no once, twice three times then they will eventually stop asking.

if you want the religious ceremony to take place next year, I would deal with the temple/priest directly so you can be sure of the price etc.

You are paying for the maintenance of the property etc. Has this been passed on to your husband? Is he the legal owner of these properties now?

I don’t really want to say which country as it could be outing.

the person asking for the money is a cousin of my DH, FIL’s nephew. But there is a big age gap between him and my DH. He is already retired and my DH is early 40s.
so he is more like an Uncle. The family migrated to UK is late 1970s - some the family still live in UK. Some have moved back to this country.

siblings -my DH had a sister and she died suddenly in 2023 at only 49. Sadly they were estranged for years. A fractured family following the death of his mother from cancer when he was 15. My DH has experienced a lot of loss and there have been falling out over estate and property/money. It’s difficult as my DH does not think rationally about these things at times due to his trauma. The requests for more payments has really sent him over the edge this week and he has a massive distrust of the cousin. He really wants no more involvement with him. But we are thousands of miles away it is so difficult.

I think overall the Cousin is trying to be helpful and follow the tradition that my father in law would want. But with all the money in his account frozen it is not possible for us to fund everything as it’s running into thousands. But to send a message without any prior discussion about this cost and say you have to pay £5500 now is too much.

cousin has asked for a key to vacant Proprty that my FIL lived in. DH does not want him to have a key. I am stuck in the middle trying to keep the peace and good relations.

re: the properties. No my DH does not own them yet as all FIL estate needs to be sorted and that will take time. But the tenants are living there, we have a letting agent managing it all and have transferred the payments to my husband. We have agreed to manage the bills and maintenance.

with regard to building that needs to be finished. The cousin is communicating with contractor and arranging for things to be completed. That is when final payment wilbe needs. Cousin is experienced as built his own set of oflats
there alongside FIL - they did it together. So really my DH needs him to be involved to get it finished. I would not have a clue where to start. I wish I could get my DH to see the long game and objectives. But at the moment grief and anger is taking over.

if relations break down between him and the cousin it’s going to be really horrible and the building may possibly not get completed.

First of all, who is administering the estate? Is there a spouse and siblings? If there is no will, how is the estate to be distributed? I think I'd spend the 5.5k on a good lawyer to take over the administration of the estate, but otherwise I'd stand back and get legal advice as to your obligations in all this.

If your DH is the legal representative, then fees for lawyers to administer the estate can come out of the proceeds.

I know you are not in the UK, but by and large inheritance laws are fairly similar in most countries, with the exception of inheritance taxes which can vary.

So essentially.. 3 funerals? Is that correct?

I think you need to consult a solicitor in the country where your FIL lived or one with a specialist knowledge of estates in his country but based in the UK (I'm assuming that's where you are based).

No spouse - wife died. No siblings - sister died 2 years ago. My DH is only next of kin.

yes we do need legal advice.

the coroner has only just competed investigation and we will
be able to register death on Monday.

Yes 3 funerals main funeral and then 2 further religious ceremony/paying respects. We knew about this one. We have only just been told about one for March 26. That would be our 3rd visit in 7 months cost of flights £2,500Each time. I cannot take any more time from work.

your uncle is royally ripping you off. Don’t be led by him take things into your own hands.

You know you can just say no, right? The man doesn’t need 3 funerals. And even if he did you don’t have to attend each one. One in March?? That’s bloody months away. Kindly, if they feel they need that extra ceremony then they can have it without you or your money.

Stop being a doormat.

You haven't answered as to whether your DH is legal personal representative in the Administration (no will). It sounds like he is as the only child with mother deceased.

Hand it all over to the legals. A lot of the expenses can be claimed from the estate but I suppose if your DH is going to inherit everything anyway, that won't make too much difference. Funeral bills can be paid from any UK bank account the Dad might have had. Check if that's the case in Dad's country, it might be.

Once legals get involved, there is a chance that an advance can be paid from the estate to cover expenses. Not guaranteed but worth asking about.

Yes my DH is the administrator of the estate.

we did already contact FIL bank as in this country there is a scheme where you can apply to get money to cover the funeral costs - but it’s a max £2,500 no where near enough to cover what was arranged with a full
ceremony and burial. That cost must be if people are having a cremation

No key for the cousin, there’s no need for him to have access to an empty flat and he might try to sell it. A colleague is currently battling her cousins for her df’s estate/property in Europe. They think they have a claim, but she is nok. Once you’ve registered his death in the UK, can you sell the property there and recoup costs?

Tell the cousin there is to be no further ceremonies, how many does he need?!

Why was it down to you to pay all the costs. What would happen if you didn't have the money in the first place. I wouldn't.
Why 3 funerals. If there wasn't a wiil how did you know he wanted to be buried.

Don't waste any more time or money. Engage a lawyer immediately, one who has no connection with the family in Dad's country. Next city/town over if necessary. They should be able to appoint a solicitor in UK to do the necessary here as part of the overall administration if necessary.

Just get a lawyer, this is way beyond your capabilities, and I mean that in a good way too.

It's normal for funeral costs to be paid from the estate before beneficiaries receive anything. I'm not sure if your DH is the sole beneficiary, but if not as administrator he should have been asked to approve any costs incurred by anyone else beforehand.

Agree with this. Start saying no.
you need a solicitor with expertise in the country he lived / died in.

Do not pay any more money and keep all proof of what you have paid eg maintenance as that should be refunded from the estate when possible.

Legal advice asap.

And yes the person who is the administrator should have been dealing with everything, all payments / decisions etc. Everyone else should not be paying whatever. One person only! For this reason - now it’s a huge mess

We just have not had time to think in all of this. FIL died very unexpectedly/ suddenly in his flat and was not discovered for 10 days so was already in a state of decomposition. When we got contacted we just got asked do you want him buried or cremated? We did I not know what his exact wishes were - but we know that he was a traditional man following the religious practices and culture. His villages has been populated by the same family for over 300 years. All the previous generations are in graves on the hillside. My DH thought he would want be buried alongside his mum and dad. When we had the initial conversation about it, we did not on know exactly what it was going to cost. I still Think that we did the right thing for him. But they cannot expect us to keep flying out.

During this time we have had to sort out tenants moving out, maintenance issues etc.

but I think out our return we will take stock and get a legal advisor and go through the process of probate. Some things will have to wait or be cancelled.

Im assuming this is happening in India.Maybe your relatives think you are wealthier than you are and are taking advantage? You need to start pushing back. Say no, don’t let them lay some kind of cultural guilt trip. I’m not Indian but many of my colleagues are and some are going through this with the unreasonable expectations of repeated, expensive memorial ceremonies in India.
If you can’t find a will in this country, and it sounds like most of his assets are here, the laws of intestate apply and your husband is the sole beneficiary ( unless someone pops up claiming to be his child, unlikely but not impossible).

I have sympathy for you being thrust into the role of landlord, that happened to me when my dad developed dementia. Maybe join the NRLA, they have a landlord helpline, you don’t want to be making inadvertent mistakes and break the law, it can work out expensive ( ask Rachel Reeves!).

As someone else has said, it sounds like india/ close by. Id instruct a solicitor there that is trust worthy to do what needs to be done. And assume that there will be family members who's noses will he put out of place, that they are lining their own pockets.

I agree with PPs who are suggesting a solicitor - I know it might seem like an extra expense but you need someone neutral who's there on the spot.

Not sure what religion you are, but those funeral costs sound extreme. Can you contact the celebrant directly to confirm costs? The first service I can understand as that would include undertaker costs etc, but surely after that it's a minimal amount? Eg we're RC and when my dad died just over a year ago we had a requiem Mass at the church followed by a religious service at the crematorium. A month later we had the "month's mind" Mass and a year later first anniversary Mass. All including undertakers, plot and headstone came to under £10,000. We're in London so things aren't cheap here either.

The level of detail you’ve gone into here is already extremely outing if anyone of this site happens to know your family? So you may as well say the country and get the advice you need.

How much rent are you getting? That seems a pretty crucial detail to me.