Father in law death and financial ruin

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

Please I need to know I am not being unreasonable. My Father in law died very unexpectedly in June abroad in his home country. He lived between his home country and out country. We travelled out at short notice just dropped everything and went. We could not initially find a will and there was no money to access for his funeral.
so myself and DH paid his all of the costs:

his funeral was £23,000 as it included a burial and cost of land space is very expensive.
we also had to pay £2,500 in flights and £3000 hotel costs.
due to the circumstances in which he died his flat had to be throughly cleared and. Sanitised. This costs £5,100. A relative paid this and we are due to pay this back.

then after 3 months we have travelled out to his country again to have more religious ceremony. We were told it would cost further £1,800 and we were aware of this.
we have also paid £2,500 on l flights again. We are staying in his flat but it is empty so had to bring blow up beds. It’s just a shell in which to sleep.

then my relative text me yesterday to say that there is extra £5,500 to be paid. I do not know exactly what this is for but appears to be connected to the religious ceremony and use of a temple for worship. My DH and I really don’t think we should pay it as we were not told about this. He also said there is another ceremony due in March next year. I was not told about this prior to yesterday and it would involve another flight out.

so all in all we have paid approx £40,000 with spending money.
my father in law’s estate is quite complicated. He left several properties that are rented out and a building that is being built and due for completion. We have taken over the care of tenants and rent but are paying maintenance bills and costs. Since end of June I have paid £2,800 in maintenance costs. Plus a tenant moved out and I repaid her deposit if £3,000 from my account as the money was in father in laws account and it is frozen.

So the costs have been huge. We also have about £16,000 to pay to finish building works of the new building.

AIBU if I say we cannot pay £5,500 for the ceremony/hall as we didn’t know about it and no one checked with us first?

we are also paying some costs for his property in UK.

Find an appropriate solicitor and tell the rest of the family you have no more money.

Which country is this and why are you paying all this? Couldn't you just say No

In that case wouldn't it have been easier to say that there was £2500 available to spend on the observances but no more?

I get the thing about "how it was done for everyone else", but sadly your FIL's no longer here to know or care, and while I could understand your DH wanting to chip something in, the current spend is ridiculous

In any case if DH is next of kin and the administrator of the estate, why is he allowing the expectations to be set by someone else?

Cousin has asked for a key to vacant Proprty that my FIL lived in

Edited to add I hadn't seen this bit and I'll bet he does ... probably to rent it out "to help with the costs", except it could be money you'll never see
In theory DH should be able to get back what's been spent when the estate's settled, but I wouldn't hold out too many hopes on the basis of what's being done abroad, "new building" included

This

I thought India too especially with the reference to several religious ceremonies and building a unit with flats. However then the OP references a choice between burial and cremation whereby immediate family is buried so may not be India.
If it is a country in the east the legalities will be more complex than what we are familiar with in the UK with regards to drawing funds from the estate for funerals and so forth.

In essence to the question though just refuse to pay for the ceremony in March you have done what you can for your FIL. Usually the religious ceremonies are more so for those who have been left behind rather than the diseased themselves from what I understand culturally.

Not your family to keep the peace for. It is not unreasonable for DH to attend further ceremony without you given cost, leave situation etc
My DH has had to do a lot of round trips to deal with his DM's estate and further remembrance this year which fell on week days in term time so I stayed behind so DS would be picked up from school etc as normal.

But I really wanted to send a cautionary note. I would be very wary of receiving the rent payments into DH account prior to death being registered and probate, or equivalent being sorted.

It sounds like it could be Nigeria. I’ve heard this kind of thing happening to a friend who’s distant relatives kept asking for more and more money.

Just looked up a few places and can't see any way an average funeral in either India or Nigeria would cost £23,000 and counting

The only place which seems to fit that bracket is Japan - the "several ceremonies" would fit too - and even there costs don't have to be that high if the money's simply not there

However while I don't want to make assumptions this sounds liike a case where family in situ believe the DH has an endless pot of money they can spend as they wish, so really the best solution might be to disabuse them of that notion

There is no way anyone can accurately advise without knowing which country it is, and that in of itself cannot possibly be outing, there are approx 195 countries in the world and most are represented by people from them living in the uk.

Sounds like you are now cash cows for the people in whatever country it is!

Disclosing what country it isn’t wouldn’t change the fact that op needs legal advice. Real life legal advice rather than mumsnets version.

This is why I’ll be donating my body to science when the time comes. Who wants to burden relatives with this kind of shenanigans? £40,000 for a funeral?!

You need to see quotes and receipts before you pay any more money. Presumably once the estate is finalised you'll have your money back and more on top
If not, then stop paying.

That's what it sounds like.

My dad's side of the family is in Eastern Europe. Most of my relatives are lovely, but there are some who think that the UK is the land of milk and honey and that we're rolling in it here.

When my grandfather died, a third of his land was left to my dad. One of his siblings sold part of my dad's land to a stranger...

In the end, dad just signed all his land over to his sibling to keep the peace.

Yes. The OP needs to be careful.

I helped pay to put some of my cousin's kids through uni - and I don't grudge it - but I've realised that I'm now in a situation where I need to do a lot of work on my one house and some of them have two homes that have had more work done on them than I could afford plus one of them still has GF's land.

I can’t wrap my head around the cost of the funeral. If the bank would only release up to £2,500 for funeral costs, that’s surely an indication of how much an average funeral could cost. I’ve no idea how the family have got to some of the numbers you’ve described.
Have you seen receipts for what’s been spent?

Absurd amounts of money to outlay, wherever the country is. Was he royalty or something? Sincerely hope you're able to get some of it back, but you may (literally) not be able to bank on it! Sounds like cousin is trying to rip you off. Good luck!

You have given away so much detail about the family situation that sharing the country would not be outing and people would find it easier to give you advice.

Do not allow the uncle to make any more decisions and certainly do not give him any more money or keys to properties. Personally I would just start to ignore him and you and the your husband assign a reliable solicitor and let them deal with all the legalities. He’s taking advantage of you and your husband.

I know a family who are dealing with their fathers estate in India since he died and 6 years on and over 10 visits from the UK they are still trying to get money out of the country.

There is another family who were unable to sell their property in India after their parents died because there were tenants in the house that apparently said the parents had given them permission to live there for as long as they wanted. It took my friend and her husband years to get them out. So I think in India, it’s not what you know but who you know when it comes to money/property.

We don’t know which country you are trying to deal with, but this is just an example of how long these things can go on for if you are dealing with a country like India. The cost can quickly spiral out of control.

£1800 then another £5000 pays for what exactly? Ludicrous!
yanbu.

I’m sorry, you MUST get legal advice from someone neutral and trustworthy in the country. I think MN can be helpful in the broad range of views it gives, but financial and legal detail in an unnamed country is beyond an internet forum.

Just say no to anything more for now. Extended series of funeral ceremonies are intended to be helpful to the living and it does sound as if your Dh is the chief mourner, especially if your FIL was undiscovered for ten days. If your Dh feels no need for further ceremonies, don’t have them, or potentially have them here.