AIBU for not wanting my sister to spend time with my ex

[Wonderingwanderer99]

I live with my parents at the moment with my baby after leaving my ex. It wasn’t a normal breakup there was serious emotional and sexual harm involved.

My sister and her husband decided to meet up with my ex at a soft-play centre with their kids and the baby on a day he has her. They didn’t tell me before planning this. I only found out afterwards when her husband phoned my dad to say tell him and said he'd call me later to tell me. I felt sick.

I’d already told my sister I needed distance and asked her not to have any contact with him, especially not involving the kids. She ignored that and later said her children “keep asking to see him” and that she had to put their wellbeing first. I think that’s a poor excuse — they aren’t suffering without him; she just didn’t want to say no.

I told her she could have spoken to me first, and that her choice has destroyed our relationship. She replied with a thumbs-up emoji and nothing else.

AIBU here to feel that I'm not sure I can ever forgive her for this.

A thumbs up emoji!? How fucking disrespectful. Does she have form for being spiteful towards you, and is she the golden child by any chance? Because your parents should be reading her the riot act.

What is your relationship with your sister normally like OP ?
It comes over almost as though she has deliberately set out to upset you by doing this.
Apart from.the disloyalty to you why would she want her children to maintain a relationship with a man who she knows is capable of committing emotional and sexual harm to a woman?
That is a real betrayal of you OP.

Why would your sister want her kids to be around a sexual abuser? That’s just awful!

I can’t imagine how hideous this must be for you OP. You’d think in the #metoo era people would recognise the huge number of sexual predators that walk amongst us, and believe women for crying out loud 🤦🏻‍♀️

Golden child yes.

My dad has said he doesn't like it either but that's all

Its up and down. She was one of the first people I went to when the abuse escalated. So she's been there the whole time.

She had her husband call me and tell me.

Maybe she's struggling to see the relevance because it's against me only. I don't know.

Absolutely appalling behaviour. There was absolutely no reason for them to meet him - I’m presuming her kids get to see your child when she’s with you? All it’s done is make it look like they’re supporting him. No wonder you’re upset.

Of course, they see my child whenever they come by.

That's what I said to her before today, that if she contacts him it gives him ammo to say he can't be that bad.

I’m sorry. Perhaps because of my own experiences but I feel a sister should be there to support their sibling. I wouldn’t forgive this either.

How do you normally get on? I’m assuming your ex normally spent a lot of time with your sister, BIL and their children but I still think that could have been minimised or stopped.

Your sister is nasty scum.
Protect yourself from her.
Have you reported your ex to the police?
Talk to Women's aid and get advice and support.

He maybe saw them once a month at most. Never on his own apart from once when he babysat nearly a year ago.

I'm trying to decide whether to support charges rn. It's hard because I know the conviction rates and do I put myself through all that for likely nothing.

I'm supposed to be getting specialized support but nothings come through yet.

Sorry they’ve done this. I’d see it as a complete betrayal.

She’s disgusting.

Your ex had your daughter and youre worrying about her kids... Im on your side that's awful but why is he getting access. I hope you've reported him to the police and pressing charges

Your sister is a cunt.

You are right to feel as you do. Cut her out. When you needed support she gave it then took the other side. What the fuck was she thinking? She’s stabbed you in the back. If my friend or family sided with my abuser they would be dead to me. So sorry she behaved so badly. You don’t deserve that after all you’ve been through xxxx

OP, the accusation alone and reporting him to the police will put the spotlight on the scum he is.

I am so sorry that your sister is similar scum to him.
Completely unforgivable.
Do not tell her anything about your life and plans.
Complete information diet.

She is dangerous to you.
She certainly doesn't wish you well.

I'm so sorry.

Well it's certainly incredibly tone deaf of your sister. It reminds me of the time my mum went to DC1's birthday meal with my abusive ex and DC2. I was very upset and I can fully appreciate that you are upset too. In the end though your sister is a free agent.

My sister would be dead to me, also, her thumbs up shows absolute contempt for you.

My parents have decided (with my ok) to share the log of behaviours with her. I think they hope she'll understand better.

I've told them they can but it doesn't make a difference. I'm out. I'm done.

Christmas will be interesting...

Make sure she doesn't blab any of what you shared to him.

Many abusers present themselves well to other people. They are charming and kind and funny.

That presents a dichotomy to other people - you are saying he was X (hurtful, violent, disrespectful, abusive) but they perceive him as Y (kind, supportive, intelligent, amusing).

Then the abuser adds to the deceipt by painting the abused in a bad light - she was mentally unstable, deluded, she lied, she was cold toward me, maybe she had other lovers...

Your sister has been taken in by him as much as you were when you were together. He is a master manipulator.

I've been there, and it hurts. It took me 20 years to confront my dsis. And she was actually shocked. But at the time she couldn't have stepped back and seen how harsh her behaviour was.

Update, she's since had him over for dinner with our child.

Oh and is now threatening not to come to Christmas because it's awkward because I'm upset. But also hasn't tried to talk to me at all.

Don't give into her threats at all