AIBU to miss my ex and feel bad for him?

[RealAquaCat]

Hi!
I suppose I’m just looking for a bit of advice and support! My ex ended our relationship in July last year, and so I moved out of his home and moved in with a friend. I thought I would marry this man and I was absolutely heartbroken, but I picked myself up and began to be okay again, and I am due to move into my own place by myself in a few weeks time. I should mention that this was the second time he ended our relationship - he also broke up with me in 2022 which was a 6 month split, in which I also moved out of the home.

My ex blocked me after we split, but sporadically over the last several months he would reach out and we would chat a little bit. A couple of weeks ago he told me that he’s still in love with me, that I’m the one, and that he wants to go for a drink and a chat and see if we can work things out. We had some big, open conversations where ultimately I told him that while I still love him and miss him, I can’t go back to him. The time to work things out was before he left me and flipped my world on its head. I was so desperate to work things out at the time, and he wouldn’t talk to me.

Anyway, all of a sudden it has hit me tonight! I feel so bad for saying no to going out for a drink, I feel so bad for hurting him by not wanting to be with him. But at the same time, I do really miss him and love him and I’m wondering if I’m making a mistake by not seeing if we could try again?

Am I crazy here? It’s the guilt that’s hurting me the most, but should I feel guilty when he’s the one who left me?

(I feel like I sound crazy)

You’re getting to a point where you’re making an independent life for yourself. Don’t go back on that merry go round. The saying that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, is true.

So AIBU is for people to personally attack you is it?

Apologies op if I’ve upset you but I would absolutely tell my sister or best friend that they were an idiot for feeling sorry for someone who had ruined their life, twice. He’s treated you like garbage. Don’t let him do it a 3rd time, because he will.

They aren’t though are they?
The OP is looking for helpful advice and probably a bit of empathy, from people who may have experienced what she had.
What on earth are you bringing to the discussion, other than insults?

OP I understand the attachment to someone that you saw your future with. The sad reality is that he isn’t able to communicate and work through any issues he has, considering his response is to end your relationship when things get tough.
Unless he’s done a lot of work on himself, it sounds like you’re repeating the same patterns. It would be unwise to go back, you’ll get hurt. Build a life with someone you can trust instead.

You are not making a mistake, he only wants you when he’s got nothing else, you are the consolation prize, so don’t give into it. He’s had his chance and he didn’t want you, it’s over.

OP l’d suggest you read up on love bombing and trauma bonding. This isn’t love. Someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you so cruelly! You did the right thing not meeting him this time. You need to block then delete his number so you’re not tempted to call him again nor can you be contacted if he decides to get in touch and keep you ‘on the hook’. Build your life without him. You’ve got so far. Don’t go backwards now!

What are the reasons he gives to end it each time OP?

Time to love yourself. Letting this man do this to you twice and then feeling sorry for him is crazy.

Your new life is just getting started, which is why he is hoovering hard (narcissist). You are addicted to the rush that his lovebombing has on you. Seek therapy, learn all about narcissistic people or you will meet another. Good luck. Never go near this man again.

Don't feel guilty. Never go back.

[Miranda style] 'That's all.'

In practical terms, he sees you are healing, glowing again. He wants to feed off your energy. Run 🏃‍♀️

Yeah and you are 😂
I have already given the OP my advice.
You must have missed it whilst doling out your insults.
But you go sister!

He’s broken your heart twice, he will do it a third time if you let him. I promise he hasn’t been feeling as sad about blocking you as you feel about not meeting him for a drink. This man will string you along for years if you let him. Don’t waste any more of your life on someone who’s not sure. The right man will be excited to be with you, not making you move out and blocking you. Please don’t let him keep treating you like this.

I’ve apologised to op if what I said upset her. Why are you incapable of not derailing the thread?

theres A really (really) good podcast about exactly this dynamic, the name and jingle are cringe but the content is really worth a listen, I think it would help you make sense iv why you keep wanting to go back

https://spotify.link/xGpObw1GTXb

Ignore the condescending wankers on this thread and just take care of yourself, this guy has shown you he is not able to relax in connection, he will keep finding it too uncomfortable and letting you down.

Look luv.
You said something really shit.
Just own up to it and move on.
OP you have totally got this, it’s so normal to have a wobble now you are making a major move in your life.
But you are worth so much more than him, you will meet someone down the line that is worthy of you, as hard as that may be to believe it right now x

For the final time, ‘luv’. I’ve apologised to the person who I needed to apologise to. I owe you nothing.

Again!
Just go to bed luv!
We are done here 😂

Thank you, I’ll give it a listen ☺️

The first time was because he ‘loves me but he isn’t in love with me’, the second time was because he was having a hard time with his mental health and I apparently wasn’t supporting him enough or listening to him, however I didn’t even know he was struggling. The most he ever told me about struggling was just complaints about work stress, and I didn’t realise how bad it was until he told me when he left me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you, maybe it is hitting me now because I’m leaving the comfort of my friend’s home and officially restarting by myself. I suppose I maybe delayed the starting over part by moving in with her into her ready made home and still having company around me!

Op you can still love him and wish him well, from afar. You have tried your best and given him a second chance. He will do this again to you. Don’t waste your life on him. I strongly recommend blocking him.
i really think he’s had other options to explore to see if the grass is greener and is using you for an ego boost when it didn’t work out with the other person/people - he wants something old and familiar and comfortable and easy. Yuck.

however, if you DID ever decide (against your better judgement) to give this a go, at minimum I would require 1. A public apology and declaration of his love for you. Like Facebook status, his family group chat etc - ‘op is the love of my life and I miss her and will always love her’ - like Louise Thompson did to beg for Sam back after she cheated on him. And 2- he needs to put his money where his mouth is somehow - buying you expensive jewelry, signing over some of his flat to you, booking a trip for you etc - something serious -my examples aren’t quite right but you need it to work like a deposit so you can keep it if he goes away again. Would he do this to show he is serious?

But just remember that twice this man has had you as his loyal gf in love with him, and he has rejected you and kicked you out of the home you share together. I think you’d have more luck on tinder then trying him again.

‘I’m having a mental health struggle, you’re not being supportive, I need some alone time’ is part of ‘the script’ everyone I know who has been left for an affair partner has been told this exact thing. It’s a socially acceptable reason for them to have some space while they check if the grass is greener.

He sounds boring btw

i think he is jealous of you moving on and being fabulous with your new home and wants to steal your moment and make it all about him and his dramas- yawn. Get planning your house warming and I hope you get a pink front door 😀