To think that cheating doesn’t always make you the bad guy?

[RegretfulJaneDoe]

Sometimes you’re trapped, lonely, emotionally neglected. People want clean villains and heroes but real life is messier than that.

He didn’t tell me. She did.

He’s never said a bad word against her, despite her nearly destroying him.

It's an absolute myth that the relationship must have been miserable/ broken for an affair to happen.

It's quite rare for 2 people happily in love to start an affair with someone else, it's not exactly the sign of a happy relationship when one.

People get bored that literally means the end of a relationship, and a miserable one while it's still going on. Sometimes it needs another person to appear for people to realise how unhappy they were, it's not all about abuse and being a victim.

It IS a myth and a quick google will show you that. There is plenty of research to show that affairs happen in ‘happy’ marriages. Scary but true. So being utterly blindsided as a betrayed is common, and devastating for the betrayed. It also explains why a) many MANY cheats try to return to their primary partner and b) the stats show you’re more likely to cheat again in a subsequent relationship if you've cheated before, because for many cheats it is simply a character flaw.

Cheating is abusive, it involves the removal of informed sexual consent and personal agency, it involves a risk of STIs, lying, gaslighting, manipulation and minimising. It dehumanises the betrayed. The damage done to a betrayed is likened to PTSD. They often suffer hypervigilance, anxiety, panic attacks, triggers and suicidal ideation. This is now well documented. The impact this will then have on the children and family is profound. It is VERY different to two adults deciding to end their marriage civilly.

There is ALWAYS a victim and ALWAYS abuse. That is the nature of cheating. I can see why you might think that an abusive man where the wife might have cheated with a single man may deserve this abuse. But the abuse is there. People getting ‘bored’ is not an excuse.

They often suffer hypervigilance, anxiety, panic attacks, triggers and suicidal ideation

Yes, this is very much what happened to my dad. He was a complete and utter wreck. My mum left to live with the OM and my brother and I stayed with him, which is what dragged him back from the brink I think.
He is now happily married to his second wife (although it took him 15 years to even consider dating again), and sadly my mum’s husband (the affair partner) cheated on her less than a year into their marriage and she has been single since (20ish years).

It also took a lot of therapy for me to even consider forgiving her for what she did to our family.

@DingDongJingle It is a horrendous thing to watch someone you love go through. I have seen several close friends/relatives reduced to shells of themselves for me to ever think it is a ‘grey’ area, my best friend became suicidal, a woman who never struggled with her mental health. I have been through it myself and I have never struggled with my mental health until that moment. I’m glad your dad found happiness again.

You are coming at this from an entirely different perspective from myself.

I totally get why you'd be critical of me and others, but had i stayed in this relationship, i'd have had an utterly miserable life, no children and he was dead against us having them, at the time, i didn't mind as i knew he'd be a terrible father.

I'm pleased you are both ok now.

Affairs happen for many reasons. No one gets dragged out of a happy relationship/marriage.

There’s always a back story.🤷‍♀️

I’m not critical of you personally, I don’t know you or your circumstances.
Im just saying that as the child of someone who had an affair, that all but destroyed our family, it’s best to end an unhappy relationship before embarking on another one.

and google tells me that people who are happy do not cheat 😂

I get that people are deeply offended when their partner finds someone else, and decide to go with them and be happy with someone else. It's easier to blame the other one than acknowledging they have played a part in it.

They often suffer hypervigilance, anxiety, panic attacks, triggers and suicidal ideation.
Mate, if you over-react in such a ridiculous way, no wonder people cheat to avoid that level of drama.

of course it's "best", but it would be even better not to get married with the wrong person in the first place.

Life happens, people make mistake, there's no good and bad guy here.

Well then maybe that was my mum’s fault too then, marrying someone she didn’t love.

@TheZanyZebra They often suffer hypervigilance, anxiety, panic attacks, triggers and suicidal ideation.
Mate, if you over-react in such a ridiculous way, no wonder people cheat to avoid that level of drama.

Absolutely blown away by your complete lack of basic comprehension, empathy and compassion. And don’t call me mate! I am NOT your mate.

maybe

She likely thought or believe she loved him, and maybe it's meeting someone she actually loved that made her realise what it should have been. Or maybe she changed. Who knows

She did something wrong, doesn't mean she is a bad person.

Yes i agree, it would be best esp where children are involved but in my case, there weren't any but even if there was, life isn't perfect and a break-up for a child "can" be traumatic regardless of any 3rd party.

My dad had numerous affairs, my mum left him eventually, we were all very happy, no trauma, the trauma was when he was about.

Again, myth. A happy marriage doesn't have to mean daily bliss. Reality of working parenthood means you might become a bit tired of the drudge, always a bit tired, a bit feeling like the other has it easier etc but those are just phases ..at the core you still like and love each other, but dangle a shiny exciting escape for a few hours even, with someone telling you how sexy and amazing and witty you are and not asking which bin goes out or why is their turn to change the nappy and yes people can be "dragged". I saw the videos ow sent to my ex .. literally batting her eyelashes and cooing a pet name at him. Don't get me wrong, he 100% chose it, but we would have bimbled on ok and given our kids a much happier, more secure childhood and come out the other side of the hardest part. But she needed him more so than his kids did apparently so....that was that.

A mistake is a drunk fumble on a night out. A deliberate plan of lying and deceiving, which actual affairs involve absolutely does have a bad guy.

I am sorry, but it's not a happy marriage, and it's recipe for disaster when people don't bother to make efforts for the other one. Some couples might be happy in a boring semi-comfortable status, some people might like an "easy life" and the highlight of the day is watching tv in their pjs. It's fine, but they can't complain someone wants better than that, and moves on.

It's unreasonable to expect people you are with to change and become different than they were when you got together. It's not unreasonable to expect them to stay similar. If you marry an active, fun, lively, interesting person and you end up stuck with someone living in lounge wear, with no interest, who never does anything?

It's really miserable. If someone cheats, and wakes up that they need a better life, both sides were equally wrong.

It always makes you a bad person. Always.