To think that cheating doesn’t always make you the bad guy?

[RegretfulJaneDoe]

Sometimes you’re trapped, lonely, emotionally neglected. People want clean villains and heroes but real life is messier than that.

Don’t try to patronise me, and belittle me.

Clearly you feel that another woman being collateral damage to an abused woman is ok. It is rarely a single man who will get involved in the mess.

I think it’s hugely counter productive, unhealthy and damaging. Especially as affairs are abusive.

It’s a good question though. Would you be happy for an abused woman to find a way out with your husband?

Indeed..it's all very well when it's theoretical. I was less keen when a struggling single mum decided my now ex was her knight in shining armour and exactly as a pp said, that was much more appealing than playing second fiddle to me who, if i say it myself, is pretty good at juggling and multi tasking and getting shit done. She "needed" him, whilst I'd be fine with our two toddlers. I'm long past caring and they seem very happy but I do still struggle to put "good person" in the same sentence as "person who knowingly involved themselves in the break up of a family". And yes of course he's to blame, no-one forced him and all the rest of it but as far as I know, this is the only context where an adult can deliberately participate in an act that is deeply damaging to children and be seen as guiltless by some.

An abused women cannot be that abused if she can, one carry out the affair and two isn’t scared of the consequences from being found out either. Abusive men don’t share their women and don’t like them out where they cannot control or see them.

She might feel trapped with no way out because she cannot afford to leave, in which case she’s just using her new man as an atm anyway. Walking dick with wallet.

Feeling trapped is very different to actually being abused however.

It doesn’t necessarily make you the only bad guy, but it definitely makes you a bad guy. Better to just be honest and leave.

@Kidsgotothatschool @DingDongJingle of course I wouldn’t be happy if my theoretical husband had an affair. It’s not what I’m saying FGS! I’m saying if the abused woman finds a way out via having an affair then it’s ok! It doesn’t make it therefore ok if the person she is having an affair with then abuses his own family of course not. JFC apply some critical thinking please.

FML please never give abused women advice.

Well I wouldn’t be friends with one who thought shagging about would free her of her problems so no issue there.

Ok, so you think it’s fine for them to find a ‘way out’ by having an affair, as long as it’s not with your husband. Got it.

I don’t think it’s us who have an issue with critical thinking. Your imaginary ‘victim’ is escaping an abusive relationship by involving themselves with the abuser of another.

Can your clearly higher level critical thinking skills not see how utterly ridiculous, damaging and counter productive that is?

@jeaux90 unless you’re saying that it’s ok for a woman to have an affair as long as a) she’s being abused and b) she has an affair with a single man? Which is quite strict criteria.

Not sure why you would prefer to be dumped by your husband before he starts having sex with someone else, than him starting a relationship and having sex just before or when he's dumping you
The marriage was broken anyway, it was going to be over anyway, there was no happy relationship, what difference does it make?

Ideally, yes, clean break and all that, but no one is perfect, and it really makes no difference.

No one can have been deliriously happy when the other one was miserable. At best, one settle and was staying for convenience and comfort, and the other one needed more.

I don't agree that staying in an unhappy marriage makes anyone "the good guy" when the bad guy is the one who put a stop to it.

Again, "serial cheaters" aside, different scenario

As the child of a cheat (my mum), I definitely would have preferred her to have ended the marriage and told her children that it was over before shagging someone else, yes. Your dad walking in on your mum shagging his mate isn’t ideal 😏. Unless the kids opinion on the situation doesn’t matter?
I can guarantee it makes a difference to the children.

I cheated, twice, my partner had over many years, whittled away at me, i was a hollow of my former self.
He found out about the 1st man and i ended it, we tried, he changed for a while but then went back to his controlling self.

A male friend i'd known for years came back to the UK, one thing led to another and we began an affair, which led to me leaving my husband.

Judge me all you like but without his support i could never have left my husband, he had almost total control over me, done over years of manipulation.

We are married now, have been for 30 years, we've a DD and life is great, i don't regret my actions for a moment.

Oh and I should add that she wasn’t a serial cheat, it was just the one bloke. She went on to marry him. They divorced after he cheated on her.

This is a genuine question (and I’m sorry for the abuse you suffered) but were you not worried about the reaction of what sounds like an extremely abusive man if/when he caught you, and what he could potentially do?

Because if he leaves then he left. Honest and free.

If he cheats he has lied and deceived and unless we had stopped having sex put me at risk of stds and took away my ability to actually consent.

Exactly this. I wouldn’t consent to having sex with my husband if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, so not ending the relationship first would take away my opportunity to give informed consent.

Wow

And what if your affair partner had been married / a father? Would that change anything?
It's an absolute myth that the relationship must have been miserable/ broken for an affair to happen. I wasn't unhappy when I cheated on my ex, just had my head turned by a guy at work and got the fanny gallops. Pathetic really. My exH, though he did the whole script of "I've been unhappy for ages" couldn't quite then explain why he'd proposed marriage in the recent past or numerous other indications of being perfectly ok. People get bored, especially in the trenches of family life and an affair partner can seem like a glimpse of the free and single life they gave up. As ever, there's no one size fits all explanation but to return to the original question, in the majority of cases, conducting an affair requires behaviour that is rarely described as "good".

I must admit, i never considered that at the time, he was a bully and my new partner gave me the strength to stand up to him for once.

He fell to pieces, i felt sorry for him, for a nano second & then i left.

I look back on my former self and wonder how on earth did i allow him to do this to me? but they don't come at you all aggressive and controlling on the first date do they?

Don't know, i'm not into the realms of IF... he wasn't, he was single, so it was never a factor but i hope i wouldn't have got involved.

We are different people, you never lived my life.

Yes exactly what I’m saying.
Why?
Because women and girls come first for me. So yes, it’s ok for her to have an affair if she is being abused in any way if it gets her out of the relationship AS LONG as her doing that does not impact another woman. Yes bingo, well done you.

Ah thanks, love a bit of praise from a random stranger on the internet 🥰

I would blame your dad just as much as your mum here, you don't tell your kids you walked on their mum shagging.

Yes, mum should have left first, but maybe she shouldn't have married the first one in the first place - where do you draw the line. Maybe she needed the push of finding someone else to realise how bad the marriage was, and it was much needed to end the marriage.

No one can say who was "the bad guy" when they are not part of the relationship.