AIBU to be extremely frustrated with SEN childs school?

[13MAPARTHELL]

My child has autism & adhd (highly suspected)

Hes started primary school in September & we have early help support currently, myself and early help have had 3 meetings to discuss his behaviours at home & they advised they will work on social stories etc.

Parents evening last week & his teacher had absolutely no idea, but advised some kids had complained to them about his behaviour. Again, they said they would do social stories.

Every morning, he gets anxious or overstimulated & if a child says hello, he will scream NO at them or I DONT LIKE YOU etc, I started to feel an intense atmosphere & we have a whats app group so I just sent a message stating that we are going through some things currently that are being investigated and that we are working on his interactions etc to provide context.

He says he has friends but when im there, they actively ignore him or are grouped with others and this makes his anxiety worse, if there are three children he says there are too many kids there etc. its horrible for me, so painful to witness, he comes across as very unkind and he does not have friends, but in his head he does as he cannot read these cues.

I have had messages of 3 parents since putting that, saying there children are reporting unkind behaviour multiple times a day, including hitting and breaking their toys or ruining their games and that its impacting their child. The school have said nothing to me

ive been sobbing all night, its horrible being in this position & im just furious that they have not actioned anything

Did you have any meetings with school/Senco before he started? Or since?

1 before and 2 after x

What are you hoping the school will do?

Do exactly what they said they will do, and be more observant if they can be and tell me at the time on the day I would expect them to contact ne and tell me hes hit a child etc surely thats policy

Social stories will have limited impact. What else have they said they would do?

I’m so sorry for you OP. Is this a specialist school ? Im thinking it is not but I’m asking because you mention ASD - does he have an EHCP?

Did the teacher say this behaviour is actually happening or are you just hearing from other parents?

If this is mainstream I would be tempted to say to the parents that he is autistic and finding it difficult and that the school is dealing with it.

Support him obviously.

He needs a echp. You can do one yourself if school says no.

Don’t get into discussions with the parents.

Im sorry but it doesn’t sound like the school are helping you. All you can do is have your sons back.

Social stories need doing daily over months. Everytime a situation arises. So they are not a quick fix or answer for everything.

It’s not just as easy as that. There aren’t staff hanging about. Funding is hugely necessary in securing support but it’s not clear from the OP whether the child has an EHCP or is receiving funding, such as SENIF.

I have a DC with SEN. Leave the parents WhatsApp group. For your own mental wellbeing you don’t need to hear other parents’ complaints about your child - let them advocate for their child’s needs to the school, you don’t need to deal with them directly. Focus on your DC.

Ask for a meeting with the senco and the headteacher about school are (or aren’t) supporting your child and actioning what they have promised.

Yes so i did inform them pf this, without getting too much into it & they did understand and emphasised with having some context etc, im honestly finding it so painful the whole experience

Op my heart goes out to you as I’ve been here and it’s hard. I would suggest calling the helpline of charity IPSEA or SOSSEN, who will be able to guide you on submitting a request for an EHCP. Help is much easier to get through this route.

Contact a Family is a brilliant charity with a helpline and they have a “listening ear” session you can book, which has really helped me.

Try to remember that with the right support he will likely manage much better and that these reactions from other parents are because they don’t understand how these behaviours are linked to SEND.

This is really helpful i hadnt heard of these before thank you

This is really helpful i hadnt heard of these before thank you

Listening Ear link which I really recommend

Has he been put on the waiting list for an assessment? Are they going for an EHCP? My son is four soon and he is on the waiting list for an assessment (probably years!) so if your child isn't then that needs to be done. My son is a lot less verbal than yours so I am already concerned about school. If you don't want to leave the group maybe mute it?

Thank you, its really hard because I guess where we are at the beginning of a long journey im still trying to get out of that mindset of caring what others think, and feel a sense of responsibility and shame in how hes actions can impact others, because he has a sibling at home and we see this first hand. Im going to reframe myself and just be of a ‘this is my child and he has this and he needs extra support’ and not worry about how it impacts them as much, as it sends me into a spiral

Thank you, its really hard because I guess where we are at the beginning of a long journey im still trying to get out of that mindset of caring what others think, and feel a sense of responsibility and shame in how hes actions can impact others, because he has a sibling at home and we see this first hand. Im going to reframe myself and just be of a ‘this is my child and he has this and he needs extra support’ and not worry about how it impacts them as much, as it sends me into a spiral

Thank you, im holding off as assessment is this monday

Sounds like they aren't very understanding. Hopefully he will settle soon. 🤞

The head needs to put a comms out about this along the lines of 'if you have any concerns regarding your child's day at school, please contact your child's teacher or myself' - the parents shouldn't be messaging you directly, it's the schools role to monitor behaviour whilst he is there

If entry to school is challenging due to it being busy, can they explore him starting earlier or later?

Schools are really struggling, their high needs block funding has been cut by this government, so there is only funding for significant support if a child has an ehcp. Try and agree a plan with them of realistic actions, with review dates.

OP, be gentle with yourself. This is a hard path to tread and you are still learning how it all works and of course you will feel overwhelming and complex emotions. Dp and I have found it takes time to feel true acceptance of the situation and even now ten years on we still have moments of occasional shame, even through we totally value dc for who they are.