AIBU to be extremely frustrated with SEN childs school?

[13MAPARTHELL]

My child has autism & adhd (highly suspected)

Hes started primary school in September & we have early help support currently, myself and early help have had 3 meetings to discuss his behaviours at home & they advised they will work on social stories etc.

Parents evening last week & his teacher had absolutely no idea, but advised some kids had complained to them about his behaviour. Again, they said they would do social stories.

Every morning, he gets anxious or overstimulated & if a child says hello, he will scream NO at them or I DONT LIKE YOU etc, I started to feel an intense atmosphere & we have a whats app group so I just sent a message stating that we are going through some things currently that are being investigated and that we are working on his interactions etc to provide context.

He says he has friends but when im there, they actively ignore him or are grouped with others and this makes his anxiety worse, if there are three children he says there are too many kids there etc. its horrible for me, so painful to witness, he comes across as very unkind and he does not have friends, but in his head he does as he cannot read these cues.

I have had messages of 3 parents since putting that, saying there children are reporting unkind behaviour multiple times a day, including hitting and breaking their toys or ruining their games and that its impacting their child. The school have said nothing to me

ive been sobbing all night, its horrible being in this position & im just furious that they have not actioned anything

The problem is the lack of communication from the school to you regarding incidents involving your child, and from the SENCO to your child’s teacher so they direct support. Meet with the head?

Good idea,

ive been crying all night, one of the parents I reached out to previously because he kicked off at a stay and play and hit their child, he was so overwhelmed we just left and took him home and so basically I messaged to apologise but we just had to leave in that moment, she only saw this message today and said that, in a very nice way, her kid is coming home upset everyday because my child is being unkind and hitting him, which is being reported etc (ive not heard about)

obviously to know this is happening is deeply upsetting & to also know that they arent telling me, as they have made out there has been no issues at all, he has assessment monday too & this evidence is needed for that too etc

That message in the WhatsApp group was really brave of you, and I'm sure has provided other parents with some context.
Sounds like you are getting the ball rolling with school senco and doing all you can.

Remember that social and emotional skills can still develop over time even with SEN. Your son will still get older and change and grow, just on his own path.

As a parent of two kids with SEND, based on my own experience, if the mainstream primary school are being like this now, they're not likely to get any better. That's even with an EHCP.

If they can't be bothered or don't want to help, then they won't. Sometimes it's because the teachers get bugger all and/or shit training from the LA. Often it's because they make the judgement that they know what a neurodivergent child looks like and your child doesn't fit the bill. They then conclude that the behaviour is 'naughty' or you're over anxious.

I'm shocked but not really surprised that your child's teacher had no idea of their needs.

This is not your fault or your child's fault. This school will chip away at your child's self esteem.

Mainstream primary school broke both of my children and their needs weren't as bad as your child's needs sound.

My gut instinct was to move my eldest by the beginning of KS2 but I didn't because they'd finally made a few friends. I really regret that now.

It got so bad that one of my kids was sat in the classroom in a catatonic state, rocking backwards and forwards. It's taken them years to recover.

It ended up that both of my kids stopped coping and they missed a few years of school each while we fought for a specialist school. They're both academically able kids so we were always told that they didn't 'need' a special school. They did though and now they're both doing really well and attending every day because they're being properly supported.

So, ask a local charity for support with the EHCP process (not SENDIAS - They're trained by the LA). Try, as others suggested IPSEA, SOS:SEN or Sunshine Support.

SOS:SEN sell two fantastic booklets for £5 each that explains the EHCP process and the appeal process. They'll be worth their weight in gold!

Unfortunately, I wouldn't trust a word the LA says about the EHCP process. It's common for them to spin you a line. School's do the same. They will try to kick it down the kerb to save money.

Common incorrect excuses for not applying for an EHCP are:

We need X cycles of Plan, Do, Assess, Review first.
Your child is too academically able.
Your child doesn't need an EHCP.
Your child isn't 'bad enough' to get one.

Read those booklets and upskill yourself on the law. The organisations I've recommended all do good courses.

Good luck!

I forgot to say, I'd fight for a specialist setting for your child now.

You will need private reports because the LA and NHS reports won't be worth the paper they're written on!

Apply for DLA if you haven't already done so. Your county council Money Advice Unit can help.you with that application and any appeal.