To ask if anyone can help me make peace with only having one child?

[Matronic6]

So I came off contraception a year and a half ago to try have second. Never recovered a regular period. Now a year and a half on and just did amh test which was 3.28 pmol/l at 39.

So I am now facing the reality that the chances of a second are very slim for us. For the last week I feel like I have been grieving someone that never existed. What's hurt even more is I have just found out, a friend who is a year older than me has basically managed to get pregnant in their first month.

I know we have been blessed with one. But now I feel so sad they will never have a sibling, they ask why they don't have a brother or sister like their friends and it just makes me so sad. I always imagined we would have two, so accepting this is hard.

So I am hoping to hear some of the positives of having only one child and being an only child?

Positives are time and money.

I'm an only. My (working class, immigrant) parents were able to give me fantastic opportunities, that they never could afford if they had another child. They purposely stopped at 1 as they couldn't afford more. They also got to travel with me more (travelling as 3 is significantly cheaper as you only need one room, with 2 kids you need an apartment), they got their freedom early and are now retiring to Spain.

Also, every baby is a risk. What if they're not healthy? Or what if they just never sleep? I have a toddler now and it makes me physically ill thinking about going back to the baby days. Maybe you got lucky and got a sleeper, I got one that still doesn't sleep through the night. I had to hold him on my chest for the first 6 weeks as his reflux was so bad, he could not sleep horizontally, at all. Ever. Not co-sleeping, nothing. Had to be vertical, can you imagine that? Not even going to go into my pregnancy related long term health effects, which suck. My best friend just had a baby with a hole in her heart...she'll be fine, eventually, but god we take health for granted.

You could try acupuncture. Around £60 a go. Good track record getting people pregnant. My colleague did at 42. Had a son. I’d give it a shot for a few months if I had the money. And then give up if nothing happens.

An only child gets all the attention from you so it’s not too bad!!

I'm also an only, I've always been very happy with that and in no way see siblings as a gift, I've always found that a strange idea. I think just enjoy what you have and think of the fabulous support you'll be able to give them through life.

We stopped at one. DD is nearly 17 and if it's any consolation, she's never asked why she doesn't have a brother or sister.

The 3 of us have an absolutely fantastic life we couldn't have if we had any more kids.

I have one. She’s 7. Best decision of my life, our bond is unbreakable (same story for her and her dad) - I’m one of 4 and have never been this close to my own mum. I don’t even take into account any of the monetary positives, as for me it’s being able to nurture a really important relationship (parent/child) which didn’t happen for me or any of my siblings with either parent. I do appreciate that I don’t have to deal with sibling arguments though!

Op do allow yourself to grieve.
The second you decided to start trying, you formed this person in your mind.
You started thinking about this other little person and everything they would bring to your family.
They would make your family complete.
You probably also have cupboards full of baby things all awaiting the next child.

You might want councilling to help you greive the dream that just isn't to be.
But remember its normal to greive

Allow yourself to work through the feelings, it is a sort of grief for a loss and you have to treat it as that. And it's so hard those childhood years when everywhere you go for lovely days out there are pregnant women - I know.

Well, you just do come to terms with it in time. We are very close with DS, now 26, and I can't imagine what it would have been like having another.

As a PP said we were able to give him things we could never have managed if we had had two, although that's not what we had hoped for.

You may still be lucky, but being in a constant state of sadness won't help.

I’m never got to have any so hug the one you were blessed with a bit extra.

My other half is an only and the only down side compared to me with a brother is he is stressed with all the responsibility for his mother as she is hopeless and helpless at most things. Me and my brother can both be there.

I have one, would have liked two, but it just didn't happen.

I was 42 though when I had DD so time was never on our side. When she got to 18 months old I definitely went through a period of sadness that she wouldn't have a sibling, but most definitely had a period of grief once I hit menopause.

There are (obvious) financial benefits, only one set of nursery fees/after school clubs/uniform/etc, etc. DD isn't spoilt, but we can treat her to an awful lot more than we could if we had more DC.

She is very lucky to be surrounded by our close friends who also have only children of similar ages - default siblings so she isn't necessarily missing out in that area. We go on holiday with these friends and have done for years - the children are thick as thieves and have a lovely bond.

My sister and I are low contact, we are very different people so a sibling wouldn't necessarily mean that they would be close.

I'm glad your brother is a support, I'm always seeing siblings fall out over elderly care and who does what etc.

Possibly there are more onlys these days due to COL and later age birth rates, so more common. Many children don't get on with their sibling in later life or childhood. Making more of playdates and after-school activities prevents loneliness. Child is more regulated due to not having a noisy sibling. Younger siblings can be very annoying! I am one lol.

Family is a flexible concept - can be your wider network, doesn't have to be biological.

I wish I had only had one

dc2 is lovely but all of the lovely balance we had is gone. Double the stress, less time and funds for dc1. It’s done a real number on my mental health. Yes i obviously love dc2 and I’ll be grateful that he is here- but dc1 definitely has a shittier, stressed, angry mum.

enjoy your lovely blessing. It wasn’t what you planned but there are so many benefits and there will be so much more time for you too. X

It took us a long time to conceive our second. I had though a lot about just having one child. I wouldn't want to not have our second but there really are huge benefits to just having one. Our first had all our attention and time for several years and it did her so much good, she was so ready for school and has flown academically, we could support all her hobbies and take her to the cinema, theatre, skiing etc. We both worked full-time but seems to have enough time and that even included our own hobbies. Now we never have enough time, we can't give both kids all I'd like to. Also any help we might be able to give them with uni, travel, houses cars will be halved. Also despite the large age gap they bicker constantly and there is never peace in the house or car when they are both there. If they are left in a room together one of them will usually be screaming within 2 minutes.

As an only child, I always dreamed of having a big family. Then I had my first and I can’t imagine loving anyone else as much as I love her. I can’t imagine spending a night away from her to give birth to another child.

I also know that I can give her much more financially. We are not big earners, but through work I could afford school fees for one child. I could also save and give her a nice lump towards a deposit that would be much harder to do on my salary with two. We also have more space in our home and won’t need to upsize (and then downsize later).

Also, as an only child my parents took me on very nice holidays to very nice hotels, which were much more affordable for 3 in one room, than having to get two rooms or a suite for 4+.

I was a serious child and being around adults a lot suited me. I really enjoyed attending the theatre and concerts and just generally being part of an adult world, which always felt like it was possible because I didn’t have younger siblings. At the same time, I really enjoyed being silly /immature with my friends.

I completely understand how you feel, and it’s true that the longing you have might never fully go away, no matter what anyone says. I’ve always wanted three children myself, and I was lucky enough to have them, I’ve never regretted it. They’re all adults now, and I have a strong relationship with each of them.

That said, there have been many times when I’ve thought, “Every child deserves to be an only child.” There are many reasons for that. I was never able to give each of my kids as much time or attention as I wanted to. There was never quite enough money to go around, and I often felt torn between them. I used to lie awake at night worrying about how I’d keep them all safe in an emergency, how could I hold three hands when I only have two? I tried hard to treat them equally, but it’s impossible to give the exact same attention to each child. They’re all different, and some needed more from me than others, which left me feeling guilty at times.

As for your child wanting a sibling; my kids care about each other, but they’ve always been independent. They had their own friends and interests growing up, and even now as adults, they don’t spend much time together. I sometimes wish they were closer, but that’s just who they are. Some siblings have wonderful bonds, but many don’t, and I know quite a few people who would have been perfectly happy as only children.

I know everyone’s experience is different, but since you asked for some reassurance, I hope this helps, just my five cents.

It is a grieving process OP. Its normal to yearn for the family you'd always assumed you'd have. Sorry if this has been mentioned to you already and you may have discounted them etc:
-Read it starts with an egg
-Have you considered IVF or egg donation?
-Acupuncture or yoga

The picture in my head was a house, white picket fence, husband, 2 kids and a dog. Sometimes, this just doesn't happen. You aren't alone and its not your fault. Its just the way things are. I have a happy life, but its just a very different life to what I imagined. (Said from someone who TTC 12yrs, rounds of IVF, lost 3 and no cause for sub-fertility ever found. In fact, my AHM was high for my age! I will now never have any of my own children).

If you find it overly consuming in your thoughts OP, consider speaking to your GP about counselling to talk through how you are feeling x

I've got an only. I regret not having another to DS dad but he didn't help much and I found it hard juggling. I'm grateful I'm a mum and the life that we have but if I could turn the clock back I would. DS would love a sibling too he does mention it. Theres not much I can do... not met anybody and I'm 34.

Being an only child was great. I had a far better life than my mates with siblings.

I am an only child and my son is an only child. I love being an only child and my son (13) is thriving. He has a wonderful circle.of friends - many of whom are also only children, and is sociable and caring. He is not spoilt by any means, but has all the attention of myself and DP and we are able to provide well for him. He is very balanced and well-adjusted.

We've just got one. Health conditions and a difficult birth meant that had to be the decision. But it took until she was about 4, and I was 41 before I found peace with the decision. By that time, all the clumsy buggers who'd asked when I was having another had shut up. I cleared out the baby stuff apart from a few special items and came to terms with it. Whilst there was still stuff in the house it felt like limbo land. It was better when it was gone.

Edited to add, my one is lovely and happy. She enjoys going to after school club three times a week for extra time to play with friends, sees her cousins, goes to other kids activities. She has never mentioned wanting a sibling.

I wouldn't say I wish I only had one as this not what I feel but absolutely identify with the loss of balance, plus time and money. When we had 1 life was easy and DH sne I had plenty of time for ourselves and for each other. Very much not the case now.. esp as the age gap between ours means they have nothing in common.

I do understand your sense of grief but I hope in time that the benefits will present themselves. I know a lot of people with online and the children are really happy and balanced x

*onlies - not online!

i will never say I regret having my second I love that child and do all I can to give him the best life. But he is high need and disabled, that has ripped my life apart forcing me to quit work plunging us into poverty. My oldest has had her life limited by this and while it’s a parents responsibility to suck it up and get on when a kids needs run counter to their own it’s horrible to watch one child have less of a life because of the needs of the other.

i know if I had only had the one o would feel like something was missing. And now I know my second I could never rewind time to not have him because I love him. But if I’d have known the impact and not known him yet I would have chosen the better life for the child I already had.

also I must say the sleepless nights caring for a newborn are much harder the older you get! I’m a similar age to you op. Still can get on the floor to play and crawl about soft plays and save a kid from the top of the climbing frame etc etc but I feel it like I never did in my 20s! I’m also living through elderly parents while having my own caring responsibility to a high need child. It’s a lot and knowing you are spread too thin for your oldest child to be getting enough of you feels beyond shit

A lot of very good points. I know siblings aren't the be all end all, whilst I have a fantastic relationship with mine, I know many people who don't, my DH included.

It feels strange to mourn something that never was. In a way I also feel very selfish for even saying I'm sad about it as I have friends who are struggling to have one. Knowing what some have gone through and continue to go through with IVF makes me think it's not for me. Especially with my amh levels.

I could try acupuncture but then I worry I am just delaying the acceptance of the inevitable. My child is absolutely lovely, but it means we are constantly advised to have another or asking when we will have another.

I do appreciate all the perspectives, advice and thoughts.

I have one. He's a young adult and always been glad that he didn't have an annoying sibling. I unfortunately did have a sibling and just wish I didn't, the idea of sorting my elderly parents out with him and sorting out inheritance afterwards fills me with dread. I'd much rather be able to do it all myself.