To ask if anyone can help me make peace with only having one child?

[Matronic6]

So I came off contraception a year and a half ago to try have second. Never recovered a regular period. Now a year and a half on and just did amh test which was 3.28 pmol/l at 39.

So I am now facing the reality that the chances of a second are very slim for us. For the last week I feel like I have been grieving someone that never existed. What's hurt even more is I have just found out, a friend who is a year older than me has basically managed to get pregnant in their first month.

I know we have been blessed with one. But now I feel so sad they will never have a sibling, they ask why they don't have a brother or sister like their friends and it just makes me so sad. I always imagined we would have two, so accepting this is hard.

So I am hoping to hear some of the positives of having only one child and being an only child?

I also have only one.. he’s 3 and everyone I know who had kids around same time as me and tbh even after, is having or desperate to have - no.2… I am not so convinced it’s a good idea… the main thing I feel is that you don’t know what will happen; and imagine if you destroyed your health during baby 2; it would be such a huge negative impact for baby 1. My mum had 3; I think it was selfish tbh. There wasn’t enough time for all of us, or much money when we were young; and I can’t say that my siblings add much to my life. One is a raging alcoholic who lies. The other is more reasonable and we are closer but live in different countries. Three kids and two stressful jobs gave my dad a nervous breakdown in the midst of it all. I think the outcomes would have been better and more enjoyable for everyone if she’d had less children.

I’d like to not feel guilty about only having one child; some days I do think I ‘should’ have more. But mostly I think I will keep my health and my body well for myself and not go down that hell hole of pregnancy / birth / baby again. I hated the baby part. If they were born at 2yo, I’d probably roll the dice. I think another baby would kill me both mentally and physically!

Hi OP, I am sorry if this has been mentioned but I recall from antenatal threads that you can take things to try and regulate your cycle with positive results. I think Agnus Castus is one? Some experts will be along to tell you hopefully.

If you do want another I don’t think you should give up hope just yet at 39. That said, there are many positives to having the time to dedicate to one child and not feel pulled emotionally and literally in many directions.

Our DS finally arrived just before I was 41. I’m 42 now and we’re still stuck in a 1 bedroom flat (a long and frustrating story detailed in other threads). I have moments of sadness that we simply can’t give him a sibling but try and make peace with the fact we can afford to give him lovely experiences, we can potentially afford to send him to a good school, and we will do our hell bent best to teach him how to be a good friend and a good partner in hopes he’ll be surrounded by good people when we’re gone. We also have some spare money and spare time for ourselves with just one, which helps our overall happiness and the strength of our relationship, which would likely evaporate with two. Big hug to you OP.

My dd competes at a sport at the very top end of National. One thing I have noticed is that there are a disproportionate amount of only children who compete at that level.

When we started realising just how good dd was and just how much input she needs we agreed that we would not let ds suffer as a result. And - on the whole - I am pretty sure we have managed that.

However, it has come at a huge cost to us. Dh and I rarely get to sleep in the same bed on a Saturday night as one of us is always away with dd.

Dd has won three National Championships. I have been there for 0 of them. For one I was on a football pitch watching ds scoring a goal against “Upper Newtown” for his U11s team. For another I was taking him to orchestra practice. And for the third we weren’t expecting her to win it and so we didn’t get ds to travel for 8 hours for no reason.

I adore ds and I am so glad he is here. But I do sometimes think how much easier it would be if we only had one child. It feels so wrong to have missed such important things in DD’s life.

I know how you feel. We would’ve liked a second but it didn’t happen, and I still feel sad about it.

Positives are - she gets far more of our attention, you have more time and money, the activities you can do together are opened up because it’s much easier to do some things with one child, we can spend far more on activities / school etc.

I have an only, agree with pp that more time and money are major plus points.

Dd has always been grateful she’s not had to share me with anyone else and appreciates all the opportunities she’s had.

I have six siblings. I wish my mam and dad had stopped at one and I'm not even the eldest 🫠

Your one will get all your love, all your time, and the benefits of the extra money and time you'll have as a family.

It's ok to grieve the future you expected for your family though, I think that's normal. You take your time and let yourself be sad about it, it's the best way to process complicated feelings I think.

Your child’s life won’t be any less happy. They are asking a valid question, and if you are honest they will accept it, move on, form close friendships and one day have a loving family of their own. Meanwhile give them as many social opportunities as you can. For what it’s worth i desperately wanted a sibling for my dd despite not being in a good marriage at the time. I had ds and they have never been close and never will be.
Much as i love ds, he hasn’t enhanced her life in any way.

I have one. It never occurred to me to have another — having one always seemed like obviously the best way to be a parent. But it doesn’t matter what I think, or that I’m not sure I quite understand why so many people have more than one child by choice. You’re sad about it. You get be sad. Allow yourself some time.

I have an only child. He’s 11 now and honestly have no regrets.
Time and money are obvious positives but it just means life is easier in general.
As people have mentioned, not all sibling relationships are positive so that shouldn’t be a reason to have another child.

I am currently going through a similar experience however I am 42. I am maybe slightly further down whatever this road of acceptance is than you. Give yourself a bit of grace. I have just started to see a therapist and already feel that this is helping. Personally my daughter is 4 and I’ve let this feeling of wanting another (probably more for her sake due to my having a close relationship with my brother) overshadow most of her life so far and I’m just sick and tired of feeling like this so am determined to move on. The therapist has said it’s going to take a while to rewire my brain and where I let my thoughts go but already I am starting to feel different. I am learning to accept that yes I may always feel a certain sadness about it and that’s ok however I need to focus on the positives of which there are many. Both can exist together. She’s encouraged me to write a list of positives and to refer to it whenever I start to spiral. Also said I’m to try and introduce daily breathwork/ tapping/ meditation even for 5 mins which I am working hard at doing. A combination of talk therapy and somatic work myself as she says we all are conditioned from a very young age just naturally to perceive having atleast 2 children as the norm by what we see on tv etc. She acknowledges as do I that yes a sibling can be a good thing however I can not create this so called perfect situation in the future for my child much as I’d like to. And ironically I know I need to stay off mumsnet and Reddit and trawling threads on this, it keeps me in the same loop. No one can give me/ you the peace we are seeking, only we can do this ourselves, sorry if that’s harsh. I know this myself. I wish you all the best however it turns out.

I echo what others have said about giving yourself time to come to terms with not having another and counselling may help, if you start to feel like it might consume you.

We have an only and everyday I am more thankful that we stopped at one. It's so much easier financially but more importantly, timewise. Not just because I don't have to share out my time between children, but because there is enough left over for DH and I both to get some to ourselves or as a couple. DD did ask for a sibling for a few weeks after she started school, but is now very happy not to have one. I love my sister but I know far more adults who have poor or no relationship with their siblings than I do ones who have happy, fulfilling ones.

I adore our little gang of three, and wouldn't change things for the world.

I have one. I was always happy with that. I could afford private school (which really helped as she has ADHD and small class sizes are great for her) She is super independent and really engaged with the wider family.

We have one son who is now 11.
It's great - he has a lot of attention and time from us both. We have been fortunate enough to send him to a private grammar school for seniors (he is Y7) which I could never have afforded for more than one.

We can give lots of support with homework organising. We can take him to his hobbies easily.

We have had some lovely holidays both UK and abroad as a 3.

Our home is calm and peaceful.

DS is a very sociable child - he has lots of friends at school, at swimming club and in our village from primary school. He has been out in the village with friends loads over half term. So he isn't lonely at all.

Also, siblings are not necessarily a gift! I have an older brother and younger sister. Me and my brother have always been close and get on well. I don't speak to my sister really - very occasionally if it's unavoidable, because she is an extremely difficult character, always has been.