I can’t stand my mother

[Roosch]

My mother (mid 60s) has had poor sleep for decades. She will be unable to sleep all night (she says) and then be absolutely miserable all day. She is grumpy, irrational and unpleasant. She is easily offended and assumes I am criticising her. She doesn’t answer any questions, which makes chats very difficult.

She is currently staying with me, DH, and our baby and 2yo boy. DH and I both work long hours and are up at night with the kids.

She is always complaining about her lack of sleep when I just want to say to her that I wish I had the opportunity to sleep. Compared to her day I am sure that we have it harder.

I know that I am probably not empathetic enough to her but I am so fed up of her complaining! I avoid asking her “how did you sleep” because I just don’t want to know anymore.

Can anyone (mums or daughters) give me some advice on how to manage my feelings about my mother.

YABU = have more empathy for your mother, she does have it harder.
YANBU = your mother is annoying and needs to hold herself together

Well, prolonged lack of sleep is hellish. What is she doing to address it? Could you offer to go to GP with her? What was she like before the sleep issues started?

She has had sleep issues all her life that I’ve known her. She blames pregnancy with me for her sleep issues!

She takes melatonin. She tries not to stress but she does stress. She won’t see a GP or sleep specialist. She acts like a vulnerable invalid but I really don’t want to treat her like one. I don’t want to have to look after her like I would a child - it’s too early for that stage.

Honestly I just want to vent about my mum because I can’t do so with anyone in real life. She would be gutted if she ever overheard.

I really really don’t want to become like my mother.

My advice would be to reduce contact with her as I doubt she is capable of changing her behaviour. My mother is similar, always moaning about something and so selfish and self-centred.

The worst is someone who just wants to moan and does nothing to improve their situation e.g. see a doctor. This would drive me mad as well.

Don't invite her to stay with you again.

I really wish she would just sleep? Honestly her life is quite good compared to all the problems other people have.

She takes melatonin, avoids coffee, goes for walks. My father and I have learnt to not raise any interesting conversation topics with her as they alway wind up upsetting her somehow.

I understand sleep deprivation as I am being woken many times at night with 2 babies - so to me it feels ironic that she is the one complaining!

I feel bad that I don’t enjoy her company, but she is so negative, boring and easily offended.

Dont have her stay with you. Tell her you are not going to be talking any more to her about sleep if she doesn’t see a professional about it. She could probably whack up her melotonin - look at the doses you can easily buy OTC in the states and elsewhere.

Well I wouldn’t be inviting her to stay then! My mother is a narcissist and is constantly complaining about everything, I find small doses of her much easier to deal with.

That’s sleep deprivation for ya

I’m glad you understand. I’ve not thought about whether she is a narcissist. She certainly always has an or of being hard done by, but claims she is so easy to get in with.

She invited herself to stay.

I definitely won’t invite her again, but I also don’t want to upset her. I’m not ready to cut contact.

I really admire people who have mothers they adore.

The only solution here is for her to return to her own space asap. Healthier for all and the relationship between all.

If she is suffering from chronic insomnia you do realise she can’t “just sleep”, right?

Insomnia is hellish and it sounds like she’s doing a lot to try to solve it, meanwhile you’re doing the “well I have a baby so it’s worse for me” thing here.

That said she still needs to go to the doctor to discuss it but there’s very little help available.

Sounds hellish! I'm sorry .
And to still blame being pregnant with you, after all this time 💐.

As someone who's health (and therefore mental health) goes constantly from one extreme to the other, it's really really hard to be the person you want to be when you're not feeling well (or are exhausted like your mother).

Also when you're feeling well, you think "Crikey is this how other people feel all the time?" and you realise that when you complain about being ill, they have no idea how bad you feel. Unless they struggle with chronic health issues too of course.

It's made me more empathetic towards grumpy people because I know from experience that if someone feels really well physically and mentally, they're happy and positive and vice versa. Also if someone is ill, they do tend to be self-centred because it's hard to think about anything else.

She invited herself to stay.

That's not actually true. She can ask to visit and you can say no. You do need to take some responsibility here for your own actions.

Op reduce contact. Mine is older but similar. 80s. Its draining. I visit but one day plenty. Exhausting though as you say

Is she depressed? What’s she like with other people? My grandma suffered with depression for many years. She could put on a bright demeanour when she needed to, but she always off loaded all her negative feelings onto my mum. My mum was the person who saw her the most and she never got the cheerier version, only the woe is me version, it really took its toll on her.

If she's not sleeping anyway could she help with the kids when they wake?

I’ve only realised my mother is a narcissist quite recently, I’m 41 and she’s nearly 80. I had cancer last year and all she could talk about was how she could help and when we said we just need a bit of time right now to process, her response was ‘but what about me, what do i do!’ This is just an example, it’s gotten worse with age. She will just drone on and on about herself now and how tough things are (she’s wealthy, wants for nothing, in good health apart from a bad back now and again) it’s very tiring so I see her less often and for shorter periods. I’m still grateful for her being my mother and we did have better times when we were younger.

Could you have a really empathetic conversation with her that is focused entirely on her and her problems with sleep? If she gets that bit of undivided attention and validation, she may well perk up and feel cared for. I think when people become awkward like this, its often a kind of unhappiness that they are not being recognised, somehow. She invited herself to stay - was that a kind of cry for sympathetic attention from you?

This is exactly what my mum is like.

Other people will say, your mum is so nice!

But she is sour with me.

Poor sleep which has been going on for decades is just horrible. I dare say that during this time she has spoken to GP multiple times and not really got very far. It’s sounds like she is doing all of the right things and it will be very frustrating for her that sleep is still poor. I speak from bitter experience. My life is less than a quarter of what is should be and its a heavy burden to carry around. GP is useless as there is a limit as to what can be offered.

You can’t compare how you feel as a much younger women, who will hopefully find that your sleep improves as your little ones get older. I just hope that you don’t follow suit with your DM and find it lasts for the rest of your life.

Having said that, if you don’t want to be around her, you need to start pushing back. However, you may find that more empathy and spending a few mins listing to her complaining about how she feels, allows her to offload and be listened to and then move on to more normal conversation. It’s however up to you as to how you want to approach it.

You shouldn't admire them- it's nothing specific they've done except got lucky. Those of us who are saddled with difficult, critical and narcissistic mothers have a lifetime of grief. Set boundaries is my advice. She'll never change.

I think you’re right.

She wants to complain and offload and for me to say “I’m so sorry, poor you, that must be so hard”. However I feel like she needs this every single day.

I should probably try to do this. I just don’t want to feel like I have someone else I need to take care of (like a child).

As a nearly 60 person sleep deprivation now is worse than when I was younger. It makes me quite ill most of the time. At her age it is possible she might be developing something and it is affecting her ability to cope with everyday life. Not that you should have to put up with it.