I can’t stand my mother

[Roosch]

My mother (mid 60s) has had poor sleep for decades. She will be unable to sleep all night (she says) and then be absolutely miserable all day. She is grumpy, irrational and unpleasant. She is easily offended and assumes I am criticising her. She doesn’t answer any questions, which makes chats very difficult.

She is currently staying with me, DH, and our baby and 2yo boy. DH and I both work long hours and are up at night with the kids.

She is always complaining about her lack of sleep when I just want to say to her that I wish I had the opportunity to sleep. Compared to her day I am sure that we have it harder.

I know that I am probably not empathetic enough to her but I am so fed up of her complaining! I avoid asking her “how did you sleep” because I just don’t want to know anymore.

Can anyone (mums or daughters) give me some advice on how to manage my feelings about my mother.

YABU = have more empathy for your mother, she does have it harder.
YANBU = your mother is annoying and needs to hold herself together

I’m sorry to hear you get this too.

What would you like your family members to do? Can you tell me more about what you want done (conversations with my mum always end up being so emotional).

Do you take HRT? I wondered about suggesting HRT to my mum but don’t want to upset her again for some reason.

Well, OP, I think you need to stop inviting her to stay, tbh!

She announced she was visiting, I said nothing (silence) which I thought should have been enough!

Next thing you know she has bought flights to see me!!!!

I have tried HRT but it made no difference. You could try asking her? No harm in that i guess. I think some are perfectly healthy in their sixties, others are not. One of my siblings is definitely losing cognition, she's really not very sharp about the news and current affairs and her critical thinking is gone. The other one moans all the time. Nothing is ever right for her. She's like Pauline Fowler. For me I'm physically ill but i just don't know what it is yet. I'm worried it's the beginning of Parkinsons as it's not just the sleep with me. Was she a good mum to you when you were young?

I’m in my sixties OP and have to be very careful about discussing ailments with my adult children. I save that for my contemporaries-we all laugh that illnesses and health were never that interesting when we were young! Does your mum have friends she can offload to? It’s intensely frustrating when someone moans about how awful things are but will do nothing to improve it. I normally avoid those people but difficult with your mum. Is there any possibility you can tell her how draining it is to listen to all day? Or-like many of those people-will she take great pleasure in getting offended and what a terrible daughter you are. You are not-just fed up and you have your hands full with your young family. I think I would have to say to her that it’s clear she’s not enjoying herself and nothing you suggest works so why not cut the visit short?

People don’t invite themselves to stay, you’ve let her stay. Boundaries are your friend

Give her 2 paracetamol before bed, might knock her out.

Next time say it doesn't suit you.
You need to see a lot less of her.
She brings no joy and makes your life harder.

You need to mind yourself as young children are exhausting.
Go to bed with your children and avoid her for the rest of the trip.