Does anyone have deep connections with new friends?

[rainbow1988]

I have a long lasting group of friends but we are spread across the countries.

I would like to meet new friends but feel like is it worth putting effort in because really can you have a deep connection and true ‘friendship’ with someone you haven’t known that long?

AIBU to think that what’s the point in trying because really can you make connections with people who you have no history with?

You’d create a history over time, I guess, and talk about stuff that matters to both of you.

What an odd question. No, obviously you’re not going to have an immediate connection with someone you’re only getting to know that will in any way equal your closest, oldest friendships, but every long, established, close friendship was once two complete strangers meeting at a party, or in a lecture theatre, or the school gate. That’s where every friendship starts.

So unless you know you’ll be dead in a month, why wouldn’t you make new friends?

I have newer friends who I am close with, friendships of a few years. I don’t think you often form a deep connection with someone over weeks but certainly over months and within a year it’s possible.

This is a strange question. Obviously, the connections that we have with friends deepen over time - you are never going to have that connection instantly but the friendship has to start somewhere.

What I would say is that my oldest friends are not my closest friends. So it isn't only about time.

Of course you can. Some of my most precious friends are women I met within the last 3 to 6 years.

Friendships are not so different from romantic relationships: past a certain age, you don't tip-toe around it for ages to be sure it's a good enough relationship, you just know what you want, what you can bring, and you go for it.

I met a woman a couple years ago, after seeing each other twice, we both acknowledged the fact that we were both very happy to have met.

As PPs have said you won’t have the history or heritage immediately: that takes time.

But building new friendships is also fun and rewarding. The freshness of building a new friendship network can be exhilarating.

Its good to have old and longstanding friendships but also important to meet new people.

I’ve had new friends that I’ve had a deep connection with. Some have gone on to be lifelong friends (as @HillOf says above).

Of course it's worth making new friends - you won't have an immediate deep connection but it grows over time. I moved to the town where I live 25 years ago and didn't know a soul. Made lots of mum friends and did lots socially with them all - most of these friendships have drifted as children have got older and we meet occasionally but my 2 closest friends have stuck and we're still close, our kids are all adults now. These 2 friends and I have supported each other through the highs and lows of life and they are very important to me. It takes time to build that connection but it's worth it!

I have met people with similar life experiences and become close to them because of that, yes.

Yes I think I’m looking at it from a pessimistic view in that if I put myself out and made say 5 new friends at a class/hobby etc how realistic is it really that I would form a genuine connection with at least one of them

It seems a bit odd, rather than ‘pessimistic’, to me that you regard it as ‘putting yourself out’ to encounter new people at an activity presumably chosen because you enjoy it? It’s not that much effort, surely, to take up a class or activity that you enjoy and see if anyone you like comes into your life because of it?

I started a hobby 3/4 years ago as I'm not from the area I live in now. Have made a great group of friends that I'm very close to and having a group of local friends has made a real difference to my quality of life.

Hi op it takes time I think but I def find unless we both put in efforts the friendship has fizzled within the year. So I guess Im more cautious now or I stick to small groups

I guess what I mean is I think people probably value their longest friendships more than newer ones so trying to make friends in 30s/40s feels a bit pointless if really everyone values their current ones more anyway in terms of ‘meaningful’ ones

I'm in my early fifties. My most important friendships now are ones that started when I was in my thirties. So there is every point in trying to make new friends as far as I can see.

Why is it pointless unless it's "meaningful" though? I have a couple of friends who I'd never bother going to in a crisis, or to have a deep and meaningful conversation with. I don't consider those friendships pointless though, because when we see each other we have an absolute blast.

Not every friendship has to be ride or die, surface level friendships can be just as rewarding for different reasons.

You can make new deep lasting friendships at any time in your life. It takes time though bso you need to be prepared to put the ground work in.

As well as what everyone else has said, it's completely fine, indeed natural and necessary to have shorter term, more superficial friendships as well as deeper, more long lasting ones. I have friends that are mainly centred around my hobbies, we rarely purely socialise without it being centred around the hobby in some way, most of the conversation is about the hobby and people come and go a bit from the group, if they move away or give up the hobby we probably wouldn't see them again. This is completely fine! It doesn't make any of us bad or superficial or ungenuine people, we enjoy spending being together and it still fulfills a social need that is beneficial to all.

Have you heard of the circles of intimacy theory, most people have 'friends' of lots of different levels, from very deep, very intimate, best friends type thing where you'd share absolutely anything with them and do anything for them (but you really only can have a few of this type of friend at most), to close friends you see often and share a lot with but maybe not quite to the same level, to more acquaintances, colleagues, context-specific like school and hobby friends. All are equally valid friendships just different in nature. And you have to recognise that while you have your circles, you yourself are in lots of other people's circles to different levels too...

Some friendships do transition over time, so someone who was originally more of a colleague or acquaintance or friend of a friend becomes more of a close friend which is lovely when it happens , but it's not like all the other friendships have then failed or been wasted because they haven't also made it into that circle/level. Perhaps more painfully through circumstance or whatever sometimes friendships go outwards a step where you were once super close with the person but have got more distant or had a falling out. But again I wouldn't see that as a failure or that you need to work on replacing them as such, it's all more fluid than that...

I think you need to look at it a bit differently, no you might not make a really deep meaningful connection. You might meet someone hillarious, you might meet someone who gets you to try a new hobby you love, you might meet someone who is great fun, you might meet someone who is really caring and supportive. There are lots of types of friends in life, some for a phase, some forever, some for a good time, some for a deep and meaningful/soul mate experience. You definitely won't meet anyone for anything if you don't give it a go.... You also build history and connection over time, I shared a childhood with some very close friends who've lasted. Equally, I've shared raising my kids with others that I've known for a way shorter time that the first group, but because we have a shared and meaningful history through a very intense period of life (albeit a short one) it's still deep. Invite people in, see how it goes and dont obsess on replacing the friends you had or the connection you had with them, maybe itll be a different type of friend, that still might be good....

All very interesting replies, thanks everyone.

I have friends from all stages of my life, school friends, school mum friends, hobby friends, friends I have just met along the way. They are all really valuable to me & bring different things to my life as I’m sure I do to theirs. I always think you can never have too many friends, some I just share a hobby with others I would bury a body for - hopefully will not need to! Some I have known a short amount of times others I have known for most of my life. If you enjoy women’s company I think having a wide circle of friends is such a blessing.

Deep connections are bourne out of long friendships.

Long friendships were at one time new friendships.

So yes, if you want new deep connections, it’s worth putting in the effort.

To a degree, it helps if you're a neurodivergent oversharer. Those that run a mile are not worth your time, those that don't have the potential to firm deeper connections a little more quickly 😂

I think there's a certain reality when you are older that there are quite a lot of circumstantial friendships and you might see those people more than older friends due to location, hobbies, kids etc. Those that you really gel with or have more common interests have the potential to become much firmer friends and lots of people are pretty open to that.

I'm 47 and have friends who I have known for 44 years and friends I have known for 5. Currently my closest friend is the one I have known for 5 - we work together and know a lot about each others lives/support each other etc. 10 years ago my closest friend was someone else but even though we are still friends are lives are now in very different places and we aren't as close as we don't speak too often.

You can definitely make close friends as you get older and you absolutely should. They may not be close at first but they may become so over time.

Just before covid DH and I enjoyed chatting with a couple at an event, they gave us a business card, we got in touch and it has been a really wonderful experience getting to know them. I think all four of us are unusually open, even eccentric, or we might not have become so close so quickly.
I was dumped without warning by a friend who I considered to be like a brother for over 30 years. Before that I would have said that old relationships are precious and unique blah blah but now it looks like it depends more on disposition, motivation, mutual appreciation and luck.
My only proviso is that I don’t think you can drive a relationship by investing time and effort if there’s no deeper connection, so you need to enjoy it above everything else.