Does anyone have deep connections with new friends?

[rainbow1988]

I have a long lasting group of friends but we are spread across the countries.

I would like to meet new friends but feel like is it worth putting effort in because really can you have a deep connection and true ‘friendship’ with someone you haven’t known that long?

AIBU to think that what’s the point in trying because really can you make connections with people who you have no history with?

I become close friends with someone over a matter of years.

it can be pretty lonely for the first while after moving to a new area.

But I have learned to be very wary of people who want to get all intense and emotionally intimate right off the bat, and I tend to cool off quickly when this happens, before I become co-opted as their personal mental health nurse or a cog in their machine of perpetual drama.

One of my closest friends is someone I’ve known for 8 years, which is not all that long in the scheme of things given I’m nearly 50.

Yes, it’s definitely possible. I say this as someone who struggled to make friends as a child. I decided to start talking to someone at work once and we became close friends in a matter of a couple of weeks. It can feel a bit like getting into a relationship though where there is an element of luck.

I am lucky to have a lot of friends the ones I feel closest to are all 20 years plus but I do have a friend of a year who I feel very close to. Our husbands also get on very well.

@Ireallywantadoughnut36 what an insightful post, there are so many posts on MN about friendship but yours really resonated.

I’m also in my early 50s. I moved countries four years ago and have definitely made meaningful newer friendships in my new place. Inevitably some of those will be situational, which is fine, but others will last. I’ve just joined a women’s therapy group whose existing members are closely bonded, and a choir which I think will be a source of good craic and lively, funny people.

OP, I’m interested in why you seem to be talking yourself out of the mindset of being open to new friends.

Regarding the hobby comment and putting yourself out there.

I retired mid fifties, lucky me but it meant all my friends were still working so I really did have to put myself out there.

I volunteered and tried hiking and walking groups.

I have made 1 friend who I have a truly deep connection with then others that I do stuff like go to pub quizzes with and meet up for coffee and we are friends but I wouldn’t be ringing them at 3am.

Plus if something feels off listen to your gut. Met a woman in a walking group, she lived same area as me. She seemed like quite a laugh and we had a lot in common hobby wise. She offered me a lift one day and I just felt uncomfortable in such a small space away from the group to the point I got her to drop me off on the next road so she didn’t know where I lived. I mentioned it to DH at the time and how weird it was. At the walking group a couple of weeks later she revealed her utter hatred of children.

Bottom line, you’re only going to make friends if you meet people.

I agree peace you have go out or you wont meet anyone

Unless she makes a habit of boiling them in a pot or something, I’m not entirely sure what the issue is, though. You will inevitably meet people, get on initially, and then realise you don’t gel once you know one another a bit better. I once fell into conversation with someone outside a film showing at a festival, got on brilliantly well, exchanged numbers, but when we met for a coffee, I simply didn’t like her, and have turned down subsequent invitations. She wasn’t an unpleasant person. I just didn’t take to her.

I used to think the same way as when I lived in different places I made friends but they all had their “long term” friends who trumped our newer connection. Then I met a woman through work and we just clicked. We both have long term friends but she’s my go to with any good news and bad.

I get this and I think that it comes down to whether or not you get any fulfilment out of these more shallow relationships. Some people will and some won't.

Posted too soon,

For me the worthwhile friendships I have made have been forged through some sort of meaningful shared experience. You can't always replicate this through joining a group and I am also quite cynical about this.

You sound extremely pessimistic and you’re not going to make any new friends if you build a wall before even attempting to make a friend

Relationships take time to build be it friendships; romantic partners etc.

Life isn’t over in your 30’s and 40’s… you can make new friends at any age.

No, people don’t just stick to their same 3 friends they made at primary school and decide they won’t get close to anyone else because they know these friends longest.

Whilst true friends can be hard to come by putting yourself out there if you feel you want to is a good thing to do. You don’t need to make 5 friends at your hobby to be close to all 5. You may find you become close to just 1 and that’s enough

You come across very low self esteem in your posts and glass half empty x