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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents visits

40 replies

GladLurker · 28/10/2025 20:21

Advice please for grandparents.
My dad is retired and my mum works part time. My son, 3, has recently started nursery 5 afternoons a week. I pick him up early on a thu and fri.
Grandparents have been invited around on a weeknight for an hour or two before tea time to see him so as to let me/husband make tea/get stuff sorted etc.
Here is the issue:

  • parents although married, do not get on and each prefer to see my son separately
  • my dad is physically disabled so can't do lone childcare, can't go to parks, can't chase after my son etc. Therefore his idea of childcare is to visit a great gran, nice idea however my son has a lot of energy so needs to run around in a park etc before visiting someone's house, otherwise he's bouncing off the walls which stresses my dad out

--my mum in particular doesn't stick to my routine and thinks nothing of buying my son loads of sweets and offering then just before I give him a meal, so he doesn't eat and the schedule of the day is ruined not to mention the behaviour

  • my dads driving is terrible therefore I don't want my son in the car with him. I get abuse or an eye roll if I even allude to this point in front of him
  • I only work part time therefore am usually about anyway, but they both seem to want time alone with my son, this is disguised as giving me a break
  • they both compete for his attention, as well as there just being a general bad atmosphere when they're together as they hate each other. It's uncomfortable
  • because my mum only works part time and my dad not at all, I feel pressure for them to see my son when he's not at nursery and when they're free. I feel they rely on seeing him for their happiness. I feel bad on them but their happiness is not my problem when they choose this life?
  • I like to take my son out on activities/groups in the mornings (some fresh air for me too) and don't want to give this up just so they can see my son and have him sitting about all morning
  • I have suggested a set time each weekday afternoon for them to see him after nursery, but this has been dismissed by them as its not long enough and obviously as they would need to visit together.
  • Also they arrived at my house one day with a car seat which on inspection was not fitted properly and I got eye rolls and head shakes for saying I wanted to check the car seat first, luckily I did. Theres never an apology.
  • I've spent the last two weeks stuck in the middle of them hearing about how unhappy they are, they never do anything about it and just stay together. I just feel like I can't be doing with them at the moment, life is stressful enough dealing with home, a 3 year old and work etc without having these two on my back.

Anyway, do you think I'm being unreasonable in my boundary of offering them to come to us one afternoon a week to see my son? I feel I'm being fair but dont know anyone in similar situation to bounce this off.

OP posts:
Cat1504 · 28/10/2025 20:49

I see my GC 4 or 5 times a week …..why only once?

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/10/2025 20:58

Honestly come watch son for a few hrs to let me make tea then bugger off and no you can't stay for tea ..beyond rude surely you see that. and why so little time anyway

Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 20:58

Cat1504 · 28/10/2025 20:49

I see my GC 4 or 5 times a week …..why only once?

Assuming you are trusted and capable!

OP posts:
Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:00

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/10/2025 20:58

Honestly come watch son for a few hrs to let me make tea then bugger off and no you can't stay for tea ..beyond rude surely you see that. and why so little time anyway

Because my husband works a lot so the free time we have is with him as a family. Did you even read the post of reasons.

OP posts:
peakedat40 · 28/10/2025 21:01

Cat1504 · 28/10/2025 20:49

I see my GC 4 or 5 times a week …..why only once?

So she literally gives several bullet points explaining why.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 28/10/2025 21:02

One a week at most, come together and suck it up if they want to see you and their GS, keep and eye on him while you make supper, eat and then leave, unless they’ll be useful cleaning up after supper while you do bath time then they say goodnight and let you get on! I know I’m going to be strung up with that attitude!

Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:06

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 28/10/2025 21:02

One a week at most, come together and suck it up if they want to see you and their GS, keep and eye on him while you make supper, eat and then leave, unless they’ll be useful cleaning up after supper while you do bath time then they say goodnight and let you get on! I know I’m going to be strung up with that attitude!

Thank you. Things would be a lot easier if my mum just left my dad (again) he has anger issues but my son thinks the world of him. Its so tricky trying to keep everyone happy. They did see him more previous to nursery.

OP posts:
NoSoupForU · 28/10/2025 21:07

I don't know if I'm misunderstanding here because I've read it as currently one of your parents comes every day to look after your child to give you a couple of hours to do whatever.

But you don't like what they're doing with your child, be it giving them sweets or taking them to visit family? And you don't invite either parent to stay for dinner?

So because they aren't allowing you to micromanage how they look after your child you're having a strop and insisting they have him together once a week? Even though by your own admission they hate each other? And you think that'll be just marvellous for your kid?

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2025 21:08

Cat1504 · 28/10/2025 20:49

I see my GC 4 or 5 times a week …..why only once?

Because her parents are a pain in the arse. It's very clear from her OP why she wants to limit their visits to one day a week.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/10/2025 21:09

GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:00

Because my husband works a lot so the free time we have is with him as a family. Did you even read the post of reasons.

Show quote history

Yes I did and it just read you were pretty rude and your parents hate each other .surely one night a week they could stay for tea .

Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:19

NoSoupForU · 28/10/2025 21:07

I don't know if I'm misunderstanding here because I've read it as currently one of your parents comes every day to look after your child to give you a couple of hours to do whatever.

But you don't like what they're doing with your child, be it giving them sweets or taking them to visit family? And you don't invite either parent to stay for dinner?

So because they aren't allowing you to micromanage how they look after your child you're having a strop and insisting they have him together once a week? Even though by your own admission they hate each other? And you think that'll be just marvellous for your kid?

No, they don't do any childcare for me. I do all the childcare plus the nursery. We use nursery when I work.

OP posts:
ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 28/10/2025 21:20

@GladLurkerit must be very hard with those circumstances, but you can’t make everyone happy.
Prioritise you and your DS. It might make it easier in the long run if you start seeing them once a week and then more if it’s a special occasion, once they get older they’ll have clubs, friends they want to see etc so the grandparents won’t be able to see them then?!
Also, I hope you’re making some time for yourself as that’s important too.

Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:21

Fedupmumofadultsons · 28/10/2025 21:09

Yes I did and it just read you were pretty rude and your parents hate each other .surely one night a week they could stay for tea .

Show quote history

I have offered before but they don't stay. Also they distract my son from eating on the occasions they've eaten with him and put screens on which we don't do at mealtimes.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 28/10/2025 21:22

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 28/10/2025 21:02

One a week at most, come together and suck it up if they want to see you and their GS, keep and eye on him while you make supper, eat and then leave, unless they’ll be useful cleaning up after supper while you do bath time then they say goodnight and let you get on! I know I’m going to be strung up with that attitude!

I agree with this. Their wants don't trump yours.

Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:26

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 28/10/2025 21:20

@GladLurkerit must be very hard with those circumstances, but you can’t make everyone happy.
Prioritise you and your DS. It might make it easier in the long run if you start seeing them once a week and then more if it’s a special occasion, once they get older they’ll have clubs, friends they want to see etc so the grandparents won’t be able to see them then?!
Also, I hope you’re making some time for yourself as that’s important too.

Thank you so much. Both of them have mental health issues I would definitely say, I usually keep them happy to avoid any backlash, but I can't be bothered anymore. Nothing is ever good enough.Thanks for your kind comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:34

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2025 21:08

Because her parents are a pain in the arse. It's very clear from her OP why she wants to limit their visits to one day a week.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
mediummumma · 28/10/2025 21:43

YANBU at all. Prioritise yourself and your DS and invite your parents when it works best for you, and if that’s both at the same time then so be it. They sound really difficult and should count themselves lucky to be included, all things considered.

Theroadt · 28/10/2025 21:54

GladLurker · 28/10/2025 20:21

Advice please for grandparents.
My dad is retired and my mum works part time. My son, 3, has recently started nursery 5 afternoons a week. I pick him up early on a thu and fri.
Grandparents have been invited around on a weeknight for an hour or two before tea time to see him so as to let me/husband make tea/get stuff sorted etc.
Here is the issue:

  • parents although married, do not get on and each prefer to see my son separately
  • my dad is physically disabled so can't do lone childcare, can't go to parks, can't chase after my son etc. Therefore his idea of childcare is to visit a great gran, nice idea however my son has a lot of energy so needs to run around in a park etc before visiting someone's house, otherwise he's bouncing off the walls which stresses my dad out

--my mum in particular doesn't stick to my routine and thinks nothing of buying my son loads of sweets and offering then just before I give him a meal, so he doesn't eat and the schedule of the day is ruined not to mention the behaviour

  • my dads driving is terrible therefore I don't want my son in the car with him. I get abuse or an eye roll if I even allude to this point in front of him
  • I only work part time therefore am usually about anyway, but they both seem to want time alone with my son, this is disguised as giving me a break
  • they both compete for his attention, as well as there just being a general bad atmosphere when they're together as they hate each other. It's uncomfortable
  • because my mum only works part time and my dad not at all, I feel pressure for them to see my son when he's not at nursery and when they're free. I feel they rely on seeing him for their happiness. I feel bad on them but their happiness is not my problem when they choose this life?
  • I like to take my son out on activities/groups in the mornings (some fresh air for me too) and don't want to give this up just so they can see my son and have him sitting about all morning
  • I have suggested a set time each weekday afternoon for them to see him after nursery, but this has been dismissed by them as its not long enough and obviously as they would need to visit together.
  • Also they arrived at my house one day with a car seat which on inspection was not fitted properly and I got eye rolls and head shakes for saying I wanted to check the car seat first, luckily I did. Theres never an apology.
  • I've spent the last two weeks stuck in the middle of them hearing about how unhappy they are, they never do anything about it and just stay together. I just feel like I can't be doing with them at the moment, life is stressful enough dealing with home, a 3 year old and work etc without having these two on my back.

Anyway, do you think I'm being unreasonable in my boundary of offering them to come to us one afternoon a week to see my son? I feel I'm being fair but dont know anyone in similar situation to bounce this off.

Pay for childcare, otherwise be there when your parents see their GS.

Original poster
GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:55

mediummumma · 28/10/2025 21:43

YANBU at all. Prioritise yourself and your DS and invite your parents when it works best for you, and if that’s both at the same time then so be it. They sound really difficult and should count themselves lucky to be included, all things considered.

Thank you for understanding x

OP posts:
Endofyear · 28/10/2025 22:25

I think you have to have an honest conversation with your parents - their dislike of each other and marital problems are not yours to fix and you shouldn't have to work around them to the detriment of your own family life. So they either visit together and make the effort to get along or they don't visit. You're also allowed to decide whether they are safe to drive your son or not, it's your job as his parent to keep him safe. If they don't like your decisions, that's for them to deal with. Baby's safety trumps their hurt feelings.

To be honest, having them visit after nursery isn't the best idea - little one is likely to be tired at the end of the day and so are you and DH - it's a recipe for disaster when you're more likely to be irritable and trying to get stuff done! Could you not have them over for Sunday afternoon/teatime and include a walk or run about in the park so little one can burn off some energy? Or give up one of your mornings to visit them and have lunch?

NoSoupForU · 28/10/2025 22:48

GladLurker · 28/10/2025 21:19

No, they don't do any childcare for me. I do all the childcare plus the nursery. We use nursery when I work.

Show quote history

In your OP you said "Grandparents have been invited around on a weeknight for an hour or two before tea time to see him so as to let me/husband make tea/get stuff sorted etc."

Which implies they're doing you a favour, so you can get dinner ready and get stuff sorted (whatever that means).

FastTurtle · 28/10/2025 22:52

Why did you mention that your dad can’t do childcare?

Shinyandnew1 · 28/10/2025 22:55

have suggested a set time each weekday afternoon for them to see him after nursery, but this has been dismissed by them as its not long enough and obviously as they would need to visit together.

Well, that's a 'them' problem. They can take it or leave it.

Worndownbyit · 29/10/2025 18:14

I think the OP made it clear why...the grandparents argue, disrespect her rules and overstay their welcome. Who would want that more than once a week?

Cherrysoup · 29/10/2025 18:20

Carry on limiting visits. Don’t allow sweets or screens, that would raise a telling off for me, it’s highly inappropriate. I certainly wouldn’t let your dad drive him.