Fed up of having to plan everyones gifts!

[Diamond22]

So my family when we give gifts for christmas or birthdays, we think of them ourselves. Occasionally someone might ask if there is anything someone needs/wants but if the person says no not really its kind of up to you to think of something - its the thought that counts right?
Well all of my in laws always ask what we or our DC want. If i dont come up with ideas for them they get annoyed. It will start getting closer to the time and they will keep asking and getting more snarky about it.
Then half the time if i do come up with something they then turn round and say oh well we will just give you money to buy it yourself. Like why not just give money in the first place?
I dont want to seem ungrateful but i have enough life admin of my own - working full time, also pregnant with 2 young DC - when most of them are retired or not working / no DC.
AIBU to think this is well annoying 🤣

I would hate that! I actually enjoy thinking of gifts (to get) other people.

I mean my in laws are similar in a way but it doesn't annoy me at all, in that they like to get more useful presents. So last year they realised we were planning on getting a new bookshelf from IKEA, so they asked if they could just get it for us for Christmas (we ended up not getting it, not sure they gave anything different but no need, they do a lot for us!). My husband's birthday, they got him a set of towels for the house, got me a jumper and onesies for the baby (I was heavily pregnant and very sweet they wanted to celebrate all of us).

It is strange to me though when people expect a list, it feels very transactional and entitled tbh but I'm just not used to that!

In your inlaws defence, its hard to know what to buy kids in case they already have it or are not into that.

Either send them the kids birthday list to choose something off or just suggest they give money

I feel like the sometimes family's cant win... Some people moan they have bought gifts that wont get used/aren't what the kids want/they don't have space for but then other people moan they don't want to think of what to tell people to buy

This happens to me too and I hate it! There have been occasions when I’ve had to not only give MIL the gift suggestions but also buy the thing myself and wrap it up myself! As if I don’t have enough to do already!

I hate it, and it’s always the in laws. MIL asks me to buy it as well, she’ll send me the money but oh can I wrap it as well.

fuck off, I’m not your personal shopper - I work full time and juggle two kids. But when I refuse to play ball I get passive aggressive comments.

here’s a thought. Why don’t you speak to DH about it - although she does like to remind me he works hard.

oh fuck off

I have two children’s birthdays in the immediate run up to Christmas and used to have a present grid for birthdays and Christmas. Works well to ensure there are no duplicates, no unwanted gifts etc. You know your kids best. Won’t happen forever.

And yet if they got you all something they thought was ok it would be met with comments like they don't put any thought in, it's just plastic tat, I only dress my DC in jumpers made from free range yaks wool, hand spun in the himalayas by a Nepalese lady on £30 an hour.

They have our DC once a week (which I am eternally grateful for!) So they know them really well and what they like. I dont mind what they buy them, which i have said many times to them.
I am more rattled today as I got a message today asking what they would like for Hallowe'en.... wtf??? We have never done halloween gifts (is that even a thing?) so im not sure what thats about - Ive literally replied saying dont get them anything.Third trimester tiredness and patience is wearing thin...

You know me so well... not

Just tell your husband to tell his parents what your children might like. If you’re working full time why are they coming to you first and not their son?

You have my sympathy. There really ought to be a Mumsnet reaction button for 'sorry your in-laws are dicks'.

i have do do this on behalf of 3 sets of grandparents (my parents are separated + the in laws), 2 sets of great grandparents and other family members. I have sit out & write down the things the DC would like and try and fit it all in so it matches each individual budget. I find it exhausting, but once it’s done, I know that my DC will, at least, get things they like. Also have to do the same for DS’s January bday at the same time. It’s like a massive jigsaw puzzle.

Edited to add: the thing that really pisses me off is after I’ve done all this, they aren’t forthcoming with what they’d like so I have to think for them too 🫠🫠🫠

I feel your pain OP!

Mine are a bit older now, so they tend to just ask the kids directly or take them shopping to pick something. But when they were little I used to find the constant questions about what to buy, where to buy it, which colour, what else can I get to go with it???? just too much.

I started passing them off to DH, but then he would make suggestions from the list I had told him WE were getting the kids 🙄

My partners mum only asked me this once. I directed her to her son, and suggested she ask him. Also told him to liaise with her about it. I already think up suggestions for my mum and dad (divorced) to get DC, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to get involved for his family

Ive had that too and refused, but I suspect the purchasing/wrapping might have been passed on to my poor SiL 🙈

It was a generic you not a personal you, based on the numerous posts seen on MN complaining about gifts received.

YANBU it absolutely takes the piss. FIL does that - ‘what do the kids want’ then he ‘has a look’ but then asks for a specific link. Then just says ‘why don’t you just buy it and I’ll give you the money?’. Well FIL, because then it’s a gift from us, isn’t it!

It’s also the ‘wifework/mental load’ side of things. You end up having to think of about triple the amount of gifts. I’ve just stopped (DH has been buying for his own family for about a decade so luckily that’s halved it!)

Everyone should only be buying gifts for people they know well enough to buy a well-received present IMO.

I just can't be doing with telling people and then...they get something else. I always feel you have to come up with slightly second-rate ideas for the less reliable people so that you don't end up with disappointed children.

I’m grateful MIL now asks what DC want after years of her turning up with bags full of absolute shite they never touched. She used to turn up on Christmas morning dressed as Mrs Claus with a sack full of gifts for each DC, even though we’d obviously just bought them lots of gifts so the house was already bursting.

We hadn’t requested any of it and most of it would be tat she’d found at the charity shop (including dirty items sometimes or age inappropriate gifts e.g paw patrol backpack for a 8 year old). The worst was this ludicrous ride on horse thing that was absolutely gigantic and we had no space for it. I had to tell DH at that point to gently request she either take the horse back or we’d be giving it away. I think she learnt after that and now asks.

Children write wish-lists.

Doesn’t work with this type. It’s still ‘can I have a link’, ‘can you buy it’, ‘can you wrap it’.

Each to their own here. I’m delighted that (after many years of buying things that we either already had or DSs weren’t interested in) my DPIL both ask and then buy what I suggest. The first year they did this DH asked what magic I had used. They’re lovely but only see DSs about six times a year (and almost never at our house) so they were always fishing a bit in the dark. But my family have always asked what people want so I see it as normal (and ‘a surprise’ is an acceptable answer!). I think it’s because we were always scattered (DGP abroad etc) so nobody had the day to day knowledge that you need for a really suitable kids present that they don’t already have.

My DH and 2 DC all have birthdays in the 6 weeks before Christmas. It gets complicated enough just from my end without relatives piping up with what does so and so want? If its DH I say get him a book token or for the DC i say they've got so much stuff at the moment, if you can't think of anything it would be fab if you could put a few quid in their savings accounts. I refuse to shop and wrap for anyone.

I have no issue with this, atleast this way everyone gets what they like and it stop the risk of duplication. I disagree with them asking you to buy it though, they should be making the effort to go and buy the gift you have suggested, assuming its within the agreed budgets, otherwise what is the point in asking..

My dp used to expect me to give them last minute gift ideas for me and my dh. I stopped doing this and they just give us money which works out well.

I feel your pain. Asking for ideas I don't mind so much, especially the last few years where money has been quite tight and it's a great way to help ensure the Dc get quite a bit that is ON their lists.

But where it drives me mad is the endless to and fro:

"oh no, I don't want to get her skincare products because I don't think it's appropriate" or "okay, but the one you sent a link to is sold out so now I've got 5 other ones that are similar and you must tel me which is the best one."

Or the endless questions on size if buying clothes:
Me: DS needs at least a large or XL in the NIke sizing.
MIL: But it says that's for children 13-15 and DS is only 11
Me; Yes, but he's tall for his age and big and he doesn't like them tight.
MIL goes to shop, buys size Medium. I have to return it.

Or my personal favourite - I send the list to SIL. She tells me she will buy XX. Brilliant, I don't have to worry about buying XX, SIL has a gift she's happy with, win win.... or so I think. The number of times I've then got hysterical messages from her on 23 December becuase they're sold out/won't deliver on time/she can't now find it at the last minute. And somehow, it's ALWAYS MY fault.

My dad isn't great at the whole gift thing and he lives far away so his approach is he sends me money, I buy gifts from him, and everyone is happy. It's not ideal but at least I'm not having to bloody negotiate every step of the way, And the DC are old enough now they'll say things like, "Is that something we can make from Grandpa this year?" or "Can I just get the money from Grandpa to put towards my new computer" or whatever.