Fed up of having to plan everyones gifts!

[Diamond22]

So my family when we give gifts for christmas or birthdays, we think of them ourselves. Occasionally someone might ask if there is anything someone needs/wants but if the person says no not really its kind of up to you to think of something - its the thought that counts right?
Well all of my in laws always ask what we or our DC want. If i dont come up with ideas for them they get annoyed. It will start getting closer to the time and they will keep asking and getting more snarky about it.
Then half the time if i do come up with something they then turn round and say oh well we will just give you money to buy it yourself. Like why not just give money in the first place?
I dont want to seem ungrateful but i have enough life admin of my own - working full time, also pregnant with 2 young DC - when most of them are retired or not working / no DC.
AIBU to think this is well annoying 🤣

The rule in our house is that DH and I each deal with our own DPs and siblings. That includes buying their presents and presents for the nephews we are related to by blood.

I just do an amazon wish list for each kid, people don't know what they like and have already.

I really don't mind this at all. I usually have a list of things I'm thinking of getting the DC, so send them a link from there. To be fair, though, they do actually get it. I'm not sure I could be bothered with them subsequently saying they don't want to get that and do I have other suggestions. If they did, I'd be inclined to say no, he wants that but feel free to get him something else of your choosing, he's into football and Harry Potter.

I hate this too, I struggle to come up with my own ideas let alone allocate for everyone else, we also have to do the ordering and wrapping. Now the kids are a bit older I have just started telling them the gift is from us but to pretend it’s from Auntie Mabel (Aunty Mabel gets a thank you and a photo of them with the toy) and they can have the cash as spending money.

If asked I’m happy to send a refresher of ideas to people - ‘DS is currently into X Y Z and needs a new scooter; DD is obsessed with crafts and dressing up’ etc but generally I do expect people to know what the people they’re buying for like and enjoy. Otherwise why are you buying for someone you don’t know 🤔
Luckily all my nieces and nephews are similar age to my kids, but if they were teens etc I would

1. research what’s cool related to things they already like
2. note down what they talk about through the year - you know, through interactions we have courtesy of the relationship we have, hence I’m buying a gift for them 😆
3. see something and think of them - probably a good shout
4. ask them if there’s anything they’d really like or need and then find it myself
5. give money

Yes I’m overthinking but FIL’s lack of effort sends such a strong message and trust me, it’s been received! If he wanted to, he would.

I ask for a voucher for somewhere generic like M&S/John Lewis where I know we will spend money as a family. Then give the cash to the kids and they write a thank you letter to grandad to say thank you for the X I bought with the money you gave me for Christmas.
He's happy because he has given something that isn't "cash".... but doesn't seem to twig that you can't actually buy whatever it is they have purchased from John Lewis.
And I use the money in the sales to buy sheets and towels or whatever. Though it is v tempting to spend in the wine department of Waitrose.

Assuming your kids are little. Suggest that they buy something that can live at grandparents house, a puzzle, game or book that is only available one day a week and the occasional Sunday lunch. If they want to spend more than the price of a hardback book then suggest they open an ISA or buy bonds or something. Small kids will be perfectly happy with something token.
A) they will not buy noisy toys as they'll have to live with the consequences. Ditto play doh, glitter and anything crafty.
B) the novelty value will mean it is more engaged with.
C) there's stuff to do on other family visits.

Exchange gifts at their house, so they wrap.

Yes this is the most exhausting part of Christmas. I used to have a list of 30 people to buy for, then have to suggest ideas for everyone to buy for my kids and husband. It still goes on but not as bad, and my list of 30 has reduced to about 12, so bearable. I totally get where you're coming from but have no real advice, sorry xx

It was easier when we had Argos catalogues and we'd circle what we wanted

I love that my 8 year old has figured out how to add stuff to his Amazon wish list and can add stuff for his 4 year old sister’s list too 🤣

When they think of something he adds it then I just send anyone who asks a link to an Amazon list and let them have at it!

Buying for my in laws on the other hand is a nightmare! FiL has no hobbies and we get grief for buying generic present stuff like smellies or chocolate as they aren’t thoughtful gifts! We then receive what they think are thoughtful gift in exchange but really aren’t as DH will get a jumper (he doesn’t wear jumpers!) when we both actually have hobbies that are easy to buy things for.

Notes app on your phone, any time you something for the children pop it on the list

or suggest they pay for swimming lessons etc

I think they are trying to be kind and help you out. I would be so sad if one of my dil was posting this. Jest explain as you have done here why it annoys you. Or ask your husband to.
i find gifts embarrassing, it worries me that I choose something they don’t want. I also just don’t know what to do with gifts that I don’t like. Maybe your mil is the same.

Oh gosh I would love if my father in law asked us what our daughter would like 😂 last year she got a dog toy and a second hand coat that was about 3 years too big!

I have this too (both set of grandparents). They want them to have something special ‘to open’ so not money. Also the budget they give me is so tight, it’s really hard work to find something. They still get the same amount now as older teens as they did as small children. It was a bit easier back then. They’re so out of touch with what things cost that they always seem disappointed with what I’ve managed to get. I have in the past topped up the budget so I can get something half decent but I really can’t afford to do that.

This is a culture thing, some people do it, some people don't. I agree, I find it WILDLY irritating, especially in the run up to Christmas, having to send gift ideas (my sil and fil do the same thing, and also request incredibly specific things which I also find rude). I don't think it's deliberate though, I think they see an unwanted gift as "a waste of money" and are doing it to try and ensure everyone likes what they get, it comes from a good place.
I've solved it through amazon wishlist, one for every family member, throughout the year as soon as any child mentions anything, it goes on the list. I then just email/WhatsApp the link to everyone who wants to know. Is it basically magic less and great for big corporations, yes. Do I wish they'd think of something themselves and save me a job, yes. Does it actually stop them repeatedly hounding me or buying totally inappropriate stuff, yes.
I think some people find gift buying hard, sil in particular, she messages, calls constantly about it, even with the list. She wants to know it'll be "the best" gift for the kids, and (I think she thinks) that makes her the best auntie. It's one child's birthday this month and she's in a right tizz. It's very very annoying as I'm juggling half term, party organising, job, children, getting gifts myself and she has zero appreciation of this. But I feel sorry for her, imagine getting so worked up about a niece. And imagine thinking a present dictated how loved you were. Try and let it go if you can, it will come from them wanting to do the right thing.

Yes my MIL is the same starts asking for a list then gets irritated when we don’t produce one with detailed links and then gets marry as “there is nothing on there that I can buy” or “I got perfume last time” / “I’m not paying that for makeup” bear in mind it to be shared between DH, my mum and her.

I wouldn’t mind but I’m 45 and buy everything I need.

Yep does my head in. My inlaws will also only buy certain presents too. Books and clothes are fine but a computer game would not be ok.
For me and DH we get matching presents with BIL and SIL.

I discovered this week that Smyths toy shop do a catalogue. I grabbed it to get a few ideas for our Grandson and Great- nephews.

I would LOVE my family & in-laws to ask what we want for Christmas. So have voted YABU, as in my book they are being quite reasonable to ask.
I rather that than lots of tat

Dh has 3 gc under 8. He always asks the parents what to buy...he asks in October. We don't know what they need...they have so much!

Could you start a tradition for what they get, if your kids are still little and this is a common occurrence? Something like a book, an accessory and a pack of their favourite sweets, and then some money into a savings account? Or a nice outfit? Would eliminate the year on year building, and mean if they're not sure they can use their time with the kids to get them to choose.

If they have your children once a week, can they not simply be reassured that you're happy with anything, so to get whatever they'd like - you're happy to store it, don't mind what brands and materials etc? (This was the worry for some relatives I know)
Are your children old enough to write or dictate a list? If so, could you just allocate grandparents a present off it (I have a friend who's mother still does this and she's 30, with siblings aged 28 and 32, and her xmas list is still due to her mother by Halloween!)

Could you just give a general category of what they're into?
Could you let them know what you're buying, and let them buy things to go with it?
(EG we're buying a car garage, so Freddie would love some cars and trucks to go in it; Sam's getting a dressing up box and a couple of costumes, so you could find some accessories and other outfits; Jane is really keen on lego at the minute, we're buying a big box to get her started, but I'm sure she'd love any kind of lego set; we've been doing a lot of board games recently, so would love some to add to our collection; Alex wants an easel so we've got one and a big role of paper, could you get some arty stuff to do with it?) - Hopefully shouldn't require much additional though, but will help guide grandparents who aren't sure what to put.

Also, feel free to pass this onto your partner, and say 'your parents want to know what to get the kids for xmas, can you figure something out? Read this mumsnet thread for some suggestions!'